The Melody of Riot

All good things...

2008-05-01T13:42:00.006-04:00

So today's the day!

Those of you who read me frequently enough (hi, Daddy!) to notice a change in the content and frequency of my posts may have seen this coming, but it's finally time to reveal my secret to the world:

I HAVE A NEW BLOG.

www.masshysteriasports.com

It's me and 5 fabulously witty/talented/knowledgeable dudes -- all from Boston, all utterly addicted to sports and all the pertaining nerdery. Our mission is to indulge our love of all things Boston- and sports-related without being, you know, Massholes. In the words of the site itself:

This site is intended, above all else, as a celebration of what we love about Boston sports. We want to promote discourse, to foster fandom, to rant, to indulge our homerism, and we encourage you to do the same.

I'm super-thrilled to be a part of this amazing new venture, and I hope you'll all come check me out! I'll mostly be covering hockey... now that it's the offseason, of course, I get to post dorky sabermetrics articles and pictures of Big Baby with braces on, which are both equally fun. To the handful of you who've read and commented on me regularly over the past (almost!) year, THANK YOU! I still don't quite understand why on earth you'd want to read the self-indulgent ramblings of an obsessive Boston sports chick, but it's been really, really fun.

love,
futuremrsrickankiel

Making up with hockey

2008-04-28T14:00:00.009-04:00

So the Bruins are out of the postseason.

That’s the first time I’ve actually typed that. This is a step forward. It was a great series. It really was. I expressed cautious optimism. I got swept up in the momentum. I refused to get discouraged. In the end, though, I was left weeping sloppily in my apartment with my roommate sympathetically attempting to feed me rice as Montreal coasted off with the series win. Au revoir, fuckers.

However, we’re still in the thick of the Stanley Cup playoffs, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a thing like crippling depression or crushing disappointment keep me from enjoying the greatest month of the greatest sport in the world. BOOYAH. (Hey, and the Providence Bruins are leading their divisional playoffs series 2-0!)

That said, it’s time to pick sides among those who remain. My first loyalty obviously, inevitably goes to the San Jose Sharks, who cruised into the playoffs at the top of the Pacific Division with a whopping 108 points on the season. I get a little twinge every time I watch the Sharks play: god, I miss Joe Thornton. The Sharks are currently down 2 games to Dallas (GO BACK TO MINNESOTA YOU LAMEWADS) in the Conference semifinals, but I remain confident that my Joey will lead them into the Cup finals in a blaze of glory – or, at the very least, will pound the shit out of Steve Ott for being a dirty-hitting little rat. Observe:

Mmm. That goes down smooth.

My pick for the Eastern conference? Well, that’s a little embarrassing to admit. Obviously, I adore Sidney Crosby. This is not optional. If you love hockey, you love Crosby. People who whine about him taking dives and deliberately drawing calls don’t fucking know what they’re talking about. The kid is the purest incarnation of the sport we’ve seen since Wayne Gretsky. He’s obviously been coached to play cautiously and avoid the hit, since he’s a) the team captain, b) the strongest offensive player on the team, and c) an easy and obvious target for ice thugs. This isn’t football, kids. Crosby is god.

Speaking of ice thugs, though... you know who else I love?

SEAN AVERY.

Heh. I love Avery for the same reason I love Roger Clemens and Chad Johnson: he’s just such an unrepentant bastard. He loves playing the villain, and he does it gleefully and well. My favorite Avery moment ever came in an interview after the oh-so-contentious series with New Jersey, when the much put-upon Martin Brodeur (understandably, perhaps) refused to shake Avery’s hand following the final game. Avery’s response: “Everybody talks about how unclassy I am, and fatso over there forgot to shake my hand.” BAHAHA. I would totally go drinking with Sean Avery. I freaking love Sean Avery. So, here we go: LET’S GO RANGERS!

Is it a coincidence that both teams I’m pulling for have blown 3-0 game leads in the playoffs already? Ah, well. A Sharks/Rangers final series would be scrappy and entertaining as hell – and virtually guaranteed to go 7 games. Bring it on.

The Conference Semifinals: EIGHT TEAMS ENTER. FOUR TEAMS LEAVE.

Not so catchy?

(Avery picture unabashedly stolen from Melt Your Face Off)

Who the...

2008-04-24T11:25:00.013-04:00

With the flu apparently raging through the Red Sox bullpen, the Fenway mound has seen a number of unfamiliar faces in this week's series against the Angels. For your enlightenment, here is a quick-and-dirty analysis of who we're looking at and what their futures with the Sox might entail.

David Pauley: 24-year-old righty. His MLB debut was on May 31, 2006; he ultimately started 3 games for the Sox that year and posted a 7.88 ERA (eek!) with 10 Ks (not bad) over 16 innings. Not likely to ever be above a 4th starter, but reasonably consistent and a good fielder. His best pitches are his sinker and his curveball. His fastball is low-90s. He started 26 games in Pawtucket last year and posted a 4.33 ERA over 153.2 innings, with 110 Ks and 49 BBs (blech, buddy, throw that shit OVER THE PLATE). Pauley took Beckett's start on Tuesday against Anaheim/Los Angeles/whatever, where it became evident that his sinkers sometimes don't, uh, sink. Pauley's real weakness, apart from his control issues, seems to be a tendency to give up HRs. He's back in Pawtucket now. FUTUREMRS SAYS: Not clear more time in AAA will develop him significantly more, especially given his tendency to walk batters; if anything, time in the majors will help him learn how to work more seasoned batters. He can throw strikeouts, so let's stick him in the bullpen and let him work the 6th and 7th for a while.

Craig Hansen: 24-year-old righty. Being groomed as a reliever and, ultimately, a closer. Throws comfortably in the mid-90s and is rumored to possess a nasty slider -- his ability to throw that consistently will make the difference between his minor-league and major-league careers. His MLB debut was ON MY BIRTHDAY in 2005, and he worked 38 innings for the Sox in 2006, striking out 30 on a 6.63 ERA. He was called up for yesterday's loss to the Angels, where he was plunked into a tie game in the 6th. His pitching looked speedier than it has in the past and he was able to retire 2 batters, but was ultimately ganked after giving up a solo HR to Casey Kotchman that would go on to win the Angels the game. Like Pauley, Hansen was shipped back down to Pawtucket immediately following the game. FUTUREMRS SAYS: I see this kid getting shellshocked if he spends too much time in the majors right now. Let him keep working on his speed in Pawtucket; he could ultimately be a nice complement to lefty Okajima in September.

And finally, today's man:

Justin Masterson: 22-year-old righty. Masterson is making his debut TODAY at Fenway. Woo! The lanky sinkerballer is 1-0 over 4 starts with an other-worldly 0.95 ERA in Portland this season. The strength of his sinker is said to be the variation with which he can hurl it, fluctuating between mid-80s and mid-90s and thus baffling hitters. Masterson only converted to starter last year in single-A Lancaster; he started 10 games for the AA Sea Dogs in 2007 and posted a 4.34 ERA with 59 Ks and only 18 walks through 58 innings. The stat I really love is his 16.50 K/BB ratio over 31 innings pitched in Lowell in 2006. Yowza! No wonder Boston is all a-twitter about this young lad taking the mound for Dice-K today. FUTUREMRS SAYS: I really don't see the rush to make this kid a starter yet, but if he's going to develop as a starter he needs to stay in AA for a while before making the permanent move to Pawtucket. Averaging 5.8 innings per start isn't going to wear him out, but it'll give him a chance to acclimate to working lineups (the kid only has 27 career starts, for pete's sake) and developing his pitch arsenal. The worst thing to do with talent like this would be to force it before he's ready.

Bring it on! Game at 1:35 pm today. I'm predicting a sharp decline in productivity. Thanks, MLB Gameday!

Update: Masterson pitched beautifully, allowing just 1 run (a solo homer to Mike Napoli in the 5th) and 2 hits over 6 full innings while striking out 4. However, the Sox bullpen combined to do a neat little job of blowing a 3-1 lead and ensuring that Masterson wouldn't pick up the W in his major-league debut. Maybe they were all jealous of how much attention he's getting. Unless something awesome happens in the bottom of the 9th right now it's going to be 7-3, Angels.

More update: Something a little bit awesome happened when Jacoby Ellsbury reached base and Ortiz then hit a 2-run ding-dong to make it 7-5. Manny came up to bat but flied out to Torii Hunter to end the inning so I got all excited for nothing.

All's well in the world of Boston sports!

2008-04-22T11:21:00.006-04:00

The Casa FutureMrs is somewhere in this photo, taken from just a block below the finish line. Not pictured: big pink aviator sunglasses and red Solo cups.

So, to recap from this weekend:

The Sox swept Texas in a 4-game series at Fenway, outscoring the hapless Rangers 30-14. I still wish we'd held onto Kason Gabbard instead of trading him for that no-good sack of crap Gagne.
The Celtics took Game 1 of the first-round playoffs series against Atlanta behind dominant performances from Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce (who hit 3 3-pointers within the first 5 minutes of the game). I've literally been waiting for this series to happen since last July. It felt good.
Something like 40,000 people ran past my apartment in a spectacular display of tenacity and athletic prowess while I drank beer and sat in the sun.

Yep, so that's it for sports in Boston this weekend!

Coming down off last night...

2008-04-18T12:02:00.005-04:00

So I tried to write a post on the Bruins' 5-1 thrashing of the Canadiens last night. I really did. And all that came out was "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Last night was amazing. Last night was the kind of game that rewards true fandom, where the heavens seem to be smiling down and handing you a moment of pure glory to make up for all those regular-season losses to Montreal; for that 10-2 drubbing by the Caps; for that end-of-the-season slump that threatened to knock us out of playoffs contention altogether.

If (when?) we win this series, the crux of it all will be the second goal of the third period, when team captain Zdeno Chara unleashed his laser beam of a slap shot on a slowly crumbling Carey Price to score his first goal of the post-season and put the B's up 3-1. In baseball, the "go-ahead run" is the run that gives a team the lead; last night, though, it was Chara's goal that served as the true go-ahead, spurring an absolute frenzy of Bruins offensive activity that would ultimately result in 2 more goals before the final buzzer rang. That goal, coupled with a phenomenal save by Tim Thomas (31 saves on the night) immediately beforehand, represented an unbelievably crucial shift in momentum in the game and possibly the series as a whole. You could SEE the crowd at the Bell ~~Center~~ Centre settling into their seats, stunned and in disbelief. As Jack Edwards put it: they had come there to witness an execution. No chance, Habs fans. Montreal was out-skated, out-shot, and simply out-played in the 3rd period. The final goal of the night, drilled from the left wing by rookie Vladimir Sobotka, in whom Claude Julien has placed a tremendous amount of faith this post-season, saw little more than a wince from Price. The rookie goalie appeared to have simply melted down under the barrage of Bruins shots, prompting Andy Brickley to label him "flappable" (get it? As opposed to "unflappable"? Eh, I'm not really buying it either). Whatever adjective you choose to describe Carey's performance last night, there's no question that the Bruins had finally gotten to him.

A sampling of the text messages I got last night:

That was.......wow

Pinch me this is too good

and the oh-so-eloquent

Holy shit !!!!

Game six tomorrow, kids. This shit's about to be epic. GO BRUINS!

Oh, the Red Sox beat the Yanks too. Sweet!

Unedited Wikis Do Not Love The Fenway

2008-04-17T16:02:00.003-04:00

For no reason at all, I was playing around on Povo today, which is a wiki page of information about the beautiful city of Boston. In clicking around the information about my own neighborhood, "Boston's fashionable Back Bay neighborhood," I happened to stumble across a rather vitriolic review of -- what else? -- the T station near me (scroll to the bottom of that page to read the review, unless it's been removed already).

Hynes Convention Center/ICA Station

The Back Bay T Stop on the Orange Line, near Copley Square is also a convenient stop to access the Back Bay as it is just to the south of Copley Square, and approximately halfway between Arlington Street and Massachusetts Avenue. In this area, you'll find plenty of red sox fans, wearing the uniform, with their beer bellies and whorish wives, and bratty kids. If you tell that the red sox suck dick, you'll probably get beaten to death. Your best defense from the mindless mob of drunken mediocrity is to stay inside on game days. Traveling in backbay on game days is dangerous for non-conformists. Good luck.

My goodness. I mean, I've got my issues with the Hynes stop too -- the Boylston Street entrance is always closed, which is massively inconvenient to me, and there are always like 300 Berklee students carrying things like upright basses and harps onto already-packed cars. But this isn't the stop for Fenway Park, dude. That's Kenmore, or Fenway if you feel like stopping at Bed Bath and Beyond first. Do we think this person is a Yankees fan? If so, has (s)he seen the guts in the upper levels of Yankee stadium? Perhaps (s)he is merely opposed to the shackles of traditional family structure. Yeah, there's nothing I hate more than the sight of a family enjoying America's Pasttime together either, brah.

I think I like the idea that "Traveling in backbay on game days is dangerous for non-conformists" the best. It's like Yawkee Way is actually Tiananman Square or something. "In Red Sox Nation, baseball watches YOU!"

Paul Pierce deserves this

2008-04-17T09:54:00.005-04:00

"I was on my way to the airport last year at this time."

We can pile the Player of the Week honors on Kevin Garnett. We can laud Doc Rivers as the Eastern Conference Coach of the Month. (Actually, no we can't, because I don't want any part of that, but you can do whatever makes you happy, pumpkin.) But the person I personally was happiest to see strolling out of the Garden following the Celtics' 66th and final win of a spectacular regular season was Paul Pierce.

It's simply impossible not to love Pierce. He's not the kind of player you just like. You LOVE him. The 6-time All-Star has suffered through almost 10 goddamn years of Celtics ineptitude and disappointment. He came back from being stabbed 11 TIMES and needing subsequent lung surgery to emerge as the team's unquestioned leader. He's still responsible for the biggest 4th-quarter comeback EVER in the NBA Playoffs. He's the first member of the Celtics since Larry Bird to top 2,000 points in one season. As His Royal Shaq-iness so eloquently put it: Paul Pierce is the motherfucking truth.

It's been easy this year to get distracted by the visceral, hypnotic dance that is Kevin Garnett on the court or the breathtaking, buzzer-beating 3-pointers of Ray Allen. But behind it all, Paul Pierce is still the motherfucking truth. He's averaging 19.6 PPG with 4.5 assists over 80 of 82 games this season. Moreover, he's looked so freaking HAPPY at every game this year. The beaten, hangdog look Pierce used to wear on the sidelines belied the ferocity of his play; watching him in years past, it's been almost impossible to understand how he continued to play the way he did for a team that was so obviously holding him back from the championships he deserved. Not this year, though. Pierce's enjoyment of his new team has been evident every step of the way. He'd physically slimmed down with the intent of becoming a more effective defender in the offseason, but there was a mental lightness in his step as well. The Truth doesn't always have to hurt. The Truth had been set free.

The Big Three weren't in for much of last night's win; their lone appearance was a 3rd-quarter cameo that wound up being less than impressive as they allowed New Jersey to go on a 17-4 run. But there's no question that they will be the explosion that everybody turns to watch when the playoffs kick off on Saturday. And nobody will be happier than Paul Pierce to be at the center of that explosion.

And, just 2 weeks ago, he became a daddy.

Congratulations, Celtics, and congratulations, Paul Pierce. You've earned your way here. Now show 'em what you've got.

A screencap is worth a thousand words

2008-04-16T16:34:00.002-04:00

(from Boston.com)

Starting off with a bang!

2008-04-16T14:19:00.005-04:00

The long-anticipated (by me, anyway) debut of Red Sox SS/3B prospect Jed Lowrie at Fenway Park last night was nothing short of dazzling. Yippee! First singling Jacoby Ellsbury home in the 5th and later knocking in two with bases loaded in the 7th, Lowrie was responsible for all three Boston RBIs on the board until a pinch-hitting Jason Varitek knocked in a solo homer in the 9th to give the Sox the lead. Final score: Boston 5, Cleveland 3, "Lowrie" shirts to be worn by female bartenders at Whiskeys and Cask & Flagon 87.

No, I did not just put in a claim for Lowrie on the waiver wire in one of my leagues. What kind of silly gal would I be if I did that?

Charity time! I will be doing the Walk for Hunger on Sunday, May 4. If you'd like to sponsor me as I walk 20 miles around the city of Boston and raise funds to feed hungry families in the area, please shoot me an email.

Post-game thoughts: Game 4, Canadiens 1 Bruins 0

2008-04-15T22:21:00.007-04:00

This game could have gone either way.

No, seriously. That's such a lame thing to say, I know. I ripped on my Colts fan roommate for a week after the Colts-Pats game this season for insisting upon that very same statement. "Sure, it COULD have gone either way... but it DIDN'T. BOOYAH!" Eh, I was young and reckless and we were in the throes of the best season in the history of professional football. Let it go.

But seriously: this game could have gone either way.

Game 1 against the Canadiens had most people around town singing gloom and doom. Yes, in a lot of ways, that game was nothing but ugly from a Boston fan's perspective. Montreal skated circles around us offensively, out-shooting us by a solid 2:1 ratio and ultimately beating us 4-1. For playoffs hockey, that's a thrashing. As the Globe's Kevin Paul Dupont wrote, "It had the look of the first day of school, the Bruins as students, the Canadiens as teachers."

Am I crazy? Somehow, I didn't walk away from that game as depressed as I should have been. I saw two things in that game that, despite the scoreboard, served to bolster the guarded optimism I'd previously indulged in. First, we shut the Habs' killer power play down, holding them 0-5 on the power play through 3 periods of play. Second, our goaltending was SOLID. I mean it. I've betrayed my undying admiration of Thomas' netminding style before; technically unconventional though it may be, it's dazzling and clutch when he's on. The question looming over the playoffs, obviously, was would he be on? And by god, Thomas was ON last Thursday. When you're getting absolutely rained on with shots the way he was, 4 goals are going to happen; Thomas still had 28 saves (including 7 out of 7 on power plays) on the night. That's hot, kids. That's playoffs hockey. That's a goalie.

Since that night in Montreal, the Bruins have stepped up like few would have believed. In game 2, we out-shot the Habs 39-31. We took another loss, sure, but it was clear that game 1 was far from being an indication of what was to come in the series. Thomas notched another 28 saves, and the Bruins looked ready to skate with the Canadiens for the duration of this round. Then, of course, came THE WIN: a dramatic Marc Savard (Savard is my current vote for MVP of this series, by the way) goal in OT to lift Boston over Montreal and blast the Bruins back into contention. The hugeness of that goal cannot be overemphasized. Years from now, that goal will echo in the minds of Bruins and Habs fans alike. Boom, bitch. WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

Sigh. Then we had tonight. Again: THIS GAME COULD HAVE GONE EITHER WAY. This was playoffs hockey at its finest, as both teams flew back and forth across the ice and defensive lines on both sides fought back with all their might. So swift and clean was the play, in fact, that the 3rd period saw not a single penalty called. Lucic, in particular, was electric: he dominated the ice in Game 3 and squared off in in a ferocious physical game against Montreal's Mike Komisarek tonight. The goaltending, too, was spectacular. I've raved about Thomas, but a tip of the hat is certainly due to rookie goalie Carey Price, who's been unflappable in the net for Montreal. This game was as beautiful as hockey gets. The loss didn't feel like the punch in the face that Thursday night's did; it cut as sweetly and devastatingly as a blow from a saber. Series advantage: 3-1, Canadiens.

But we were there. We skated with them. We held them. We had 27 shots on goal to their 28. We played this game without Phil Kessel, without Patrice Bergeron, and with everything to lose. We played our asses off, and we emphatically showed Les Glorieux that we are not to be counted out. Say it with me now: THIS GAME COULD HAVE GONE EITHER WAY.

My point, ladies and gentlemen, is this: don't count us out yet. DON'T YOU FUCKING COUNT US OUT.

Plus, anyhow, any good Boston fan knows a 3-1 series deficit in the playoffs only means more games for us to watch.

Charity time! I will be doing the Walk for Hunger on Sunday, May 4. If you'd like to sponsor me as I walk 20 miles around the city of Boston and raise funds to feed hungry families in the area, please shoot me an email.

Congratulations, Evan!

2008-04-15T09:02:00.005-04:00

Hotshot Tampa Bay rookie/my own personal anointed one Evan Longoria hit his first major league home run off Yankees reliever Brian Bruney at Tropicana Field last night. Nice job, Evan!

The run came in the 7th amidst a veritable flurry of homers -- BJ Upton and Carl Crawford also went yard -- and tied up the game at 7, which is pretty exciting given that the Rays had been down 7-2 heading into the 7th. Sadly, Robinson Cano being what he is, the Yanks went on to win the game 8-7 behind a classic 4-out Mariano Rivera save. I have to imagine that sending in Rivera to close at this point is like using up the last of a bottle of lotion, where you keep shaking it and shaking it trying to get the last little bit out, and your sister keeps asking, "Why didn't you just buy more?" and you keep saying "NO dammit I KNOW THERE'S STILL SOME LEFT," and enough comes out that you feel justified in not having gone out to buy more but secretly you know you were just being lazy because you didn't want to miss the first half of "Rock of Love."

SIGH.

Fun fact: Longoria has been dubbed "The Dirtbag" by the Rays Index because of his aggressive playing style and the mascot of his college baseball team: the Long Beach State Dirtbags. Somehow, it's not as catchy as, say, "The Ignitor" or "The Hoosier Thunderbolt," but I guess we can run with it.

BREAKING NEWS: Red Sox purchase SS Jed Lowrie's contract from Pawtucket!

2008-04-11T10:46:00.002-04:00

Boston.com reports today that the Red Sox have called up shortstop prospect Jed Lowrie from the PawSox. Although not on the roster for tonight's game against the Yankees, Lowrie will be in the dugout wearing number 12.

The soon-to-be-24-year-old (his birthday is on April 17!) Lowrie honed his skills at Stanford (smart cookie!), was a first-round pick in 2005, and has played stints in Lowell, Portland, and Pawtucket. He's noted for his speed on the basepaths and his remarkable plate discipline -- a rare quality in a rookie. Scouts say he needs to work on his throwing accuracy, but he fields well and has good throwing power.

Awesome. I'm so sick of Julio Lugo I could puke. PUT IN JED LOWRIE!

Playoffs Preview: Bruins v. Canadiens, Round 1

2008-04-10T16:13:00.003-04:00

Let’s cut right to the chase.

The eighth-seeded Bruins face off against the top-seeded ~~Canadians~~ Canadiens tonight in Montreal in a best-of-seven playoff series. It’s no exaggeration to say that this is the granddaddy of all hockey rivalries; as tepid as the competition has become in years past, the Habs will always be The Team To Beat if you’re a Bruins fan. Sure, they have 24 Cup titles to our 5. Sure, the Habs have won 23 out of 30 playoffs series against us, and all 7 finals series. This year, they’ve taken 8 of 8 games from us, outscoring us 38-16 (!) in the process. The closest we came to beating them was in our last regular-season matchup on March 22, when we lost in a shootout (the only game against the Habs to go beyond regulation time this year).

The realist says: We’re toast.

The fan says: We’re due.

Nah, we’re not the Big Bad Bruins that tore up the NHL in the early 70s. We’re not even a terribly great hockey team, to be honest: our goaltending is patchy at best, our much-lauded defense tends to fall apart within 30 seconds of an OT period, and our offense is much too heavily reliant on the slap shot. But I’ll be damned if this hasn’t been an exciting season. The loss of Patrice Bergeron in October seemed to doom our playoffs hopes before they had even begun to materialize, and yet we’ve fought through the season to somehow hang onto a playoffs berth. Sure, we skidded across the line panting and last-minute, like a fat kid in gym class. Sure, we looked frazzled and weak in the regular-season closer against Buffalo. But you’re crazy if you think this team doesn’t have momentum, especially as Bergeron and goalie Manny Fernandez return from months-long injury hiatuses. (Bergeron will not be playing in tonight’s game, incidentally, but has been cleared as an option for the remainder of the series.)

Montreal? Yeah, they look scary. But they’ve got a rookie in goal – a talented rookie in Carey Price, to be sure, but a rookie nonetheless. Montreal’s offense is powerful and efficient. They’ve scored 4 or more goals in 28 of 82 games this season (only one of those games resulted in a loss). Their power-play is league-leading, and their defense is tight. The Habs’ big weakness, though, is their inability to stand up to rough, physical play. The combination of Milan Lucic, Zdeno Chara, and Shawn Thornton (xoxo) could be just the ticket to bringing down Alex Kovalev and his glimmering blonde hair. The offenses of both teams will score, but it’ll be the defense on either end of the ice that determines this series. If the Bruins can’t keep up with the Habs’ speedy, graceful offense, we’re toast; if we take the Habs to the boards every chance they get and never give them the few ~~inches~~ centimetres (they are playing in Canada, after all) they need to turn a dazzling goal, we’ll SHUT THEM DOWN.

Now, that’s a big if. I’ve expressed skepticism about this series all along, and I’m not going to play the homerism card and call the B’s to win this series just because I’m insanely excited about it. A lot hinges on tonight’s game, though, and there’s no question that two different teams will skate off the ice tonight than skate onto it. It’s all about momentum here, folks: a win for the Bruins could rattle Montreal past the point of recovery.

Incidentally, lest you somehow think that being consistently stronger than us has dampened Montreal’s enthusiasm for the rivalry, I invite you to check out the Canadiens’ website, which is simply laden with tidbits on the history of Bruins vs. Habs. They’re foaming at the mouth for this up in Canada tonight, and you’d better believe it.

I could describe the excitement of this series in terms of Red Sox-Yankees to you, and then you’d get it. But I’d rather not. I’d rather tell you that this is exciting hockey. Playoffs hockey. Hockey in the crucible of THE most bitter and storied rivalry the game has to offer, playing for the oldest professional sports trophy in North America. (Suck it, Lombardi!) The true spirit of a Boston fan is that of an underdog, and right now the Bruins are as underdog as it gets.

Can we beat the Habs? I don’t know yet.

But god, I hope we do.

Pitcher, Punctuation, or Parietal Pathway?

2008-04-08T10:38:00.011-04:00

Let's play a little game.

The following is a series of snippets of writing taken from various locations around the Web. Your task, dear reader, is to determine whether each of these tidbits is talking about Bartolo Colon, portly Red Sox pitcher; the colon, a lovely (if generally misused) bit of punctuation; or the colon, a section of the large intestine reaching from the cecum to the... well, you know. Sounds like fun!

[Note that all uses of "colon" have been capitalized, and all indefinite articles removed, to make the challenge slightly more difficult.]

Colon to have precautionary exam

Colon is not necessary

Think of Colon as a gate, inviting one to go

The wheels started turning and Colossal Colon was born!

You will find differing advice on the use of Colon

A healthy Colon is essential

Once Colon gets fully stretched out

Stuffing ourselves with good food is something that we all need to do once in awhile, but if we want to keep our Colon healthy, and in top shape, we have to do a little cleansing afterwards

On the fast track? Colon solid in debut

Colon really does only one thing

Bonus fact: A History of the Naming of Colon, MI.

This town was founded in the mid 1830’s by the Schellhouse family, one of the first to settle in the area. It was named by Lorensie Schellhouse when he opened a dictionary at random and saw the word: "colon."

(no I am not making that up)

Update: Others find this as funny as I do. Thanks, Kevin!

HANDS... TOUCHING HANDS...

2008-04-08T07:27:00.010-04:00

It's here! It's finally here!

After a grueling 18-day road trip that included stops in 3 different countries (and severely disrupted my sleeping schedule), my beloved Red Sox are finally, finally returning home to kick off their season at Fenway Park this afternoon. Quite frankly, I'm freaking out. Like a little kid on Christmas. Like a 14-year-old at a Jonas Brothers concert. Like a fat kid finding a 2-for-1 frosting coupon in the Sunday paper.

Obviously, every radio station in Boston will be playing "Sweet Caroline" at least 12 times today, so this isn't THAT much of a coincidence... but yes, I did wake up to the melodious tenor of Neil Diamond issuing from my clock radio. If I said I wasn't curled up underneath my covers and fist-pumping along with every, "SO GOOD! SO GOOD! SO GOOD!", I'd have to punch myself in the face, because I'd be lying.

Daisuke Matsuzaka, who's already notched one win over two solid performances against Oakland this season, takes the mound against mall food court fried chicken magnate Kenny Rogers and the currently 0-6 Tigers. No doubt Detroit will be looking to snag their first win of the season and thereby somehow justify all the ducats they dropped in Florida during the offseason, but sorry: No chance, boys. THIS IS RED SOX COUNTRY.

BREAKING NEWS: Patrice Bergeron cleared for playoffs action!

2008-04-07T14:17:00.004-04:00

Hooray!

Just in time for the first-round playoffs series with Montreal, the dashing Bergeron has been cleared by team doctors to return to play. Bergeron has been practicing with his teammates for several weeks, but while wearing the red "no contact" jersey. The return to play will mark the first time Bergeron has taken the ice for the Bruins since October 10, when he suffered a concussion following a nasty hit against the boards in a game with Philadelphia. Although it's still not clear that Bergeron will play in Thursday's series opener, his return will undoubtedly have a significant impact on what would otherwise have been a very lopsided (methinks) series.

More on the B's playoffs outlook when I'm not in bed with a fever/getting acquainted with my On Demand selections. It pains me that "Daddy Day Camp" is the third-most requested movie on Comcast Digital, incidentally. I sincerely hope the overlap between the "Request Movies On Demand" and "Plan To Vote In Upcoming Presidential Election" circles in the Venn diagram of the American public is small, because I'm not convinced that either a wacky soccer-playing cat or a particularly moist Twinkie can successfully unify this country.

Remember Scott Hatteberg?

2008-04-04T13:51:00.004-04:00

Sure you do. He was a Red Sox catcher back in the late 90s, and is a member of the elite squad of People Who Can Catch Tim Wakefield's Knuckleballs. Hatteberg pre-dated Doug Mirabelli, of course, who was hot and heavy with Wakefield until the Sox got fed up with his .206 batting average and unceremoniously dumped him in the offseason this year.

Anyhoo, I mention Hatteberg in order to transition (seamlessly and effortlessly) into an introduction of Kevin Cash, the catcher who will be starting behind the plate as Wakefield takes the mound in Toronto tonight.

And guess what? He sucks at offense too. His CAREER BATTING AVERAGE (granted, only about 100 or so major-league games, but still) is .167. Really? We jettisoned Mirabelli for this? Still, Cash had a ~~pretty sweet~~ totally bullshit, given that the left field wall was practically on the third base line, home run in an exhibition game against the Dodgers last weekend. Good for him.

Poor Josh Bard. It's got to suck to be a talented prospect for a World Series-winning team and know that your only shot at ever playing is contingent upon learning how to catch some goofy pitch. If this were a movie, a magic talking goat or something would teach him how to catch knuckleballs just in time for the big game, and we'd all learn a valuable lesson about being true to who you are and always following your dreams. But because this is the real world, instead his ass gets shipped to the Padres and we end up with some dummy who'll be flirting with the Mendoza line all season.

Bruins... meh...

2008-04-03T12:16:00.002-04:00

Blech. What an icky taste in my mouth after that sudden-death shootout loss to the Devils last night. Like waking up the morning after a tequila bender, except I still know where my pants are. Honestly, even a win eked out in a sudden-death shootout (i.e. what happens when a team fails to win after regulation time, a 5-minute OT period, and a 3-round shootout) is a lukewarm accomplishment at best. By comparison, losing after all that is the hockey equivalent of flirting with someone at a bar for a solid three hours and then having them leave when you duck into the powder room to fix your hair.

Perception bias being what it is, it feels like the Bruins are simply incapable of winning in OT/SO situations. At the Florida game I went to earlier this year, I remember getting all amped up for the OT period only to see it end literally 25 seconds in on a Florida goal. I had just gotten a fresh beer, for chrissake. In reality, though, the B's are 3-5 in overtime games (not great, but not awful) and 6-7 in shootouts, leaving them 9-12 in games that go beyond regulation time on the season. What's frustrating about that, of course, is that it does not bode well for the playoffs, which are all about the fast goal and the clutch play.

A win last night would have clinched a playoffs berth for the B's. Now, it'll be up to the black-and-gold to seal the deal against Ottawa on Friday or Buffalo on Saturday. To speak frankly, though, no possible playoffs scenario looks good at this point. The 7th seed we're currently toying with would have us pitted against 2nd-seed Montreal since the Penguins took over the conference lead; given that we're 0-8 against the Habs on the season, I'm less than optimistic about our chances in this series. Slipping to the 8th seed under the Flyers would mean a first-round series against Pittsburgh and a healthy Sidney Crosby and Marion Hossa. Boston is 2-1-1 on the season against the Penguins, but neither of those wins were against a team with Hossa or Wunderkind (the February 28th win, immediately after Hossa was traded, saw Hossa injured after about 5 minutes of play).

In other words: playoffs berth or no, it's highly unlikely the B's are advancing past the first round. Still, a trip to the playoffs coming off a year that saw no playoffs action whatsoever is an important step forward and blah blah blah. Playoffs appearances are important to a franchise, regardless of the outcome. The Phillies got swept in the first round after getting ridiculously lucky last year, and the way they talk you'd think they'd won the damn pennant or something.

HAPPY OPENING DAY!!

2008-03-31T11:40:00.006-04:00

It's like Christmas, Valentine's Day, and the last day of school all rolled into one. Actually sitting down to play with my fantasy teams' starting lineups this morning was perhaps the greatest feeling ever.

My best opening day ever was Opening Day 2005 at Yankee Stadium against my Red Sox, which I went to with my Yanks fan ex-boyfriend (I know, I know...). I wore my "Insoxicated '05" T-shirt and MLB Fitted Authentic and got the living daylights abused out of me for 3 straight hours. I loved every minute of it. Oh, and we won.

If you want coverage, I will direct you, as always, to Walkoff Walk.

Gearing up for baseball season

2008-03-30T23:54:00.005-04:00

From my good friend Mike, who is a Yankees fan (we got into a baseball fight the very first day we met and bonded instantly as a result):

11:48 PM Michael:i'm psyched for Yankees opening day, which is the highlight of my week no matter what

me: fab

11:49 PM Michael: trying to decide whether tomorrow is a rizzuto jersey day or a matsui jersey day

matsui did just get married, so he might win out

me: GOJIRA

:-D

Michael: aroooooo

me: I'm so excited it's baseball again I can't even hate on your Yankees nonsense

like the thought of a Matsui jersey actually just made me smile

Michael: haha

11:50 PM oh!

i got to experience how the other half lives last week

i was wearing a boston shirt

not a red sox shirt

just a boston shirt

and some fat guy wearing a cheetos-stained Devils t-shirt came up to me and said "hey, boston fuckin' sucks!"
"I'm a Yankee fan, buddy."

"They fuckin' SUCK!"

11:51 PM "...you're brilliant."

'Nuff said. Boston and New York are ready for baseball, that's for sure.

Congratulations, Nationals!

2008-03-30T23:08:00.006-04:00

What a way to inaugurate the Nationals' beautiful new park: Tied with the Braves 2-2 heading into the bottom of the 9th, the team was lifted to victory by a walk-off home run from Ryan Zimmerman (his 4th career walk-off homer, incidentally).

BAM!

Enough with the excuses already

2008-03-30T20:24:00.015-04:00

OK boys and girls. Bring in the patio furniture and stay clear of your glass windows: it's ranting time!

I'm fully aware that not everyone likes hockey. And that's OK by me. Personally, I'd rather gouge my eyes out than sit through a tennis match. My loathing of tennis is such that I've deliberately refused to understand how the scoring works; every time someone's attempted to explain it to me, I tell them I honestly don't want to know. Tennis can suck it. And if you want to tell me that you'd rather watch back-to-back episodes of "My Name Is Earl" than sit through a period of hockey, that's cool.

But one thing I simply cannot take that I've been getting absolutely inundated with lately is the EXCUSE for not being a Bruins fan. People who tell me they don't like hockey are one thing, but when I meet a supposed Boston sports fan who's ready to fill my ear with "justifications" for having jettisoned the Bruins from their loyalties? I call bullshit. BULLSHIT, my dears.

As a frame of reference, imagine that you just met someone from Boston who claims to be a big sports fan, but doesn't like the Red Sox. Doesn't make any fucking sense, does it? That's how I feel about these everything-but-the-Bruins fans.

Here's a sampling of some of the excuses I've been getting lately (to be read aloud in the whiniest voice possible -- and no, I did not make these up):

The season is too long!
I haven't been able to watch since the strike!
I haven't been able to watch since the Joe Thornton trade!
There are too many goalies!
The front office doesn't know what they're doing!
I don't know any of the players!
I'd rather watch the Celtics!

and the absolute, bottom-of-the-barrel worst:

They're just going to lose anyway!

*deep breath*

Some of those excuses are just patently stupid. Don't know the players? Well for pete's sake. Stop reading Fleshbot and click your way on over to the Bruins website, which, SURPRISINGLY, has information on the players! Got issues with the strike? Well, buddy, the NHLPA isn't the first group to call a players strike -- and all the guys you see playing today are playing under the salary cap without complaining. So why the hell should you care?

My real issues, however, lie with the excuses that seem to imply that a franchise that is not flourishing does not deserve fans. They only serve to validate the #1 criticism of Boston fans: that we are bandwagoneers who distribute our loyalties according to the most recent championship or blockbuster trade. NO NO. PLEASE NO. I suffered through too many flop Red Sox seasons, too many games with Parcells on the sidelines, and too many disheartening press conferences with Chauncey Billups. The fact that every other Boston-area team is super nasty good right now is all the MORE reason that the Bruins should get fan support. Being a fan should involve investment: a commitment to hope, perhaps even to the point of suspending your disbelief, that your team will do well. You're not investing anything by giving your support to a defending World Series champion, a 3-time Superbowl winner, or a best-in-the-league juggernaut. The team to invest in is the Bruins, and the time to do it is now.

Yes, I'm going to say it: If you are a Boston sports fan, YOU SHOULD WATCH THE BRUINS. That's it. Plain and simple. If not, you're not a Boston fan, and that's the goddamn truth.

Here come the D-Train!

2008-03-29T14:21:00.002-04:00

I absolutely love when athletes turn out to have the exact same personalities that you imagined/hoped they would. To wit: Dontrelle Willis, who is exactly the same slightly arrogant yet goofy and adorable person I've always known he was. Here he is hanging out with Ryan Howard and David Wright on the set of their new Topps commercial. I saw Dontrelle pitch at Pro Player Stadium during his unreal 2004 season and it was awesome.

Oh, and if you need another reason to love the Dontrelle: He's a blogger.

Brackets, I hardly knew ye

2008-03-28T10:18:00.005-04:00

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Volunteers that day --
A three-seed and a two-seed? Surely, there's a game to play.
But when the Vols were down by nearly twenty?! Champs, my ass:
A pall-like silence fell upon this erstwhile chatty lass.

Oh, somewhere out in Louisville the sun is shining bright,
The Cardinals are laughing, and the students' hearts are light,
And somewhere someone's entry in a pool is free of doubt;
But there is no joy for this girl -- now the Volunteers are out.

(do your homework)

LIVE GLOG of Red Sox Opening Day 2008: Japan!

2008-03-25T05:52:00.027-04:00

I'm deeply concerned that the caption of this photo actually says something incredibly offensive in Japanese.

5:45 AM. I woke up 15 minutes ago. I'm still not quite sure why. The song my alarm clock selected for purposes of waking me up was "Say It Right" by Nelly Furtado. At the time, I remember thinking that this particular song was strangely appropriate to the point of humorous. I'm going to have to tell someone about this, I remember thinking. I have no idea why I thought that. I hauled ass out of my toasty warm apartment to go get coffee only to discover that my Starbucks was closed. Heathens. HEATHENS! I had to go to Dunkin Donuts instead, where the guy behind the counter looked as unimpressed by me as I was by him. Lord help me, this is turning into a Peter King column before I've even gotten started. I'm wearing a T-shirt my brother gave me in honor of the occasion that reads, "It's not over 'til the Big Papi swings." I am not wearing pants, because it's too FREAKING early for pants. Apparently, 5:30 AM makes me write like Ernest Hemingway.

5:52 AM. I have suddenly become convinced that this entire "Japan" game concept is simply the universe playing a colossal prank on me -- me! -- for the sole purpose of making me look like an ass, and that at 6:05 my TV is going to Rick Roll me or something. Aha, there's the proof: the analysts just tried to convince me that Scott Kazmir is going to win more than 15 games this season. Now I know this is all just a big joke.

6:09 AM. I am being forced to listen to Mike and Mike debate whether or not they care about this game. You know what, Mike and Mike? I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

6:19 AM. Where is the baseball?!

1st Inning. I am a moron, because the game here is being shown on NESN and not ESPN2. All my conspiracy theories have gone out the window. I come in late -- Dice-K is pitching to Jack Cust and appears to have already let up one run. Guess the Sox did nothing in the top of the inning. One on, one out. I wonder what they sell in the stands at Japanese ball stadiums. I have visions of shouting, "Hey, Sake Man!" Ooh, nice changeup. Yikes! A wild pitch will advance the runners -- 2 men in scoring position, and still only one out. This is less exhilarating than I would have hoped. Matsuzaka has now walked the bases loaded, and the 7th batter for Oakland is Bobby Crosby. I have to admit that I don't know much about the A's this year, as they got distinctly less interesting once they traded Haren and Swisher, but I have always thought that Bobby Crosby looks like kind of a douchebag. Matsuzaka is able to field a hit towards the third-base line and throw Crosby out at first, but a run scores. Finally, a strikeout, and we have an end to an 18-minute, 30-pitch half-inning.

2nd Inning: Mike Lowell is on base, and my fantasy team collects its first hit. My dad just called me to ask if I was in a bar. Give me a LITTLE credit, Dad. Joe Blanton, the current pitcher for the A's (I'm assuming that Rich Harden is in the hospital recovering from massive hemorrhage following a paper cut), has a truly bizarre delivery. Inning over on a double play. I'm not entirely convinced this was worth waking up for.

Oakland opens the bottom of the 2nd with yet another man on base. OK THAT WAS A STRIKE YOU DIPSHIT UMP. Travis Buck looks like the archetypal fratboy wankoff at some East Coast liberal arts school who all the girls assume is deep because he's from California and wears flip flips even when it's cold, man. I have decided to eschew all legitimate sports commentary in favor of poorly constructed ad hominem attacks on each of the A's in turn. I am the Rush Limbaugh of sports blogging. Hey, guess what I'm not doing right now? Facebook-stalking my ex-boyfriend's vacation pictures. Nope, definitely not wasting my time on that. Kurt Suzuki is holding on at 2nd with 2 outs as we are back to the top of the A's batting order with Mark Ellis. ANOTHER walk from Dice-K.

News on the Boston catcher front, courtesy of my NESN crawl: Dusty Brown has been optioned back down to AAA, and the Sox have purchased the contract of Kevin Cash. Cool, I guess.

ANOTHER GODDAMN WALK. WHAT IS GOING ON?! John Farrell is (finally) out to the mound. Something seems legitimately wrong with Matsuzaka's delivery. I've seen him rebound from situations like this before, though, and I remain optimistic (bases loaded 2 outs eeeeek). Strike one. Strike two. Julian Tavarez is warming up. Ball one with a high changeup. Foul tip. STRIKE THREE CALLED! Ellsbury, Lugo, and Pedroia are up.

3rd Inning: Ellsbury down, but Lugo sends a fastball up the middle for a single. Pedroia ALMOST hits a home run. Youk up with 2 down and 1 on. Apparently the "YOUUUUK!" cheer has reached international proportions. Youkilis beats out a hit to first and Ortiz is up with two men on. My T-shirt is happy. It's really been killer how great Manny and Papi have looked this spring. Eh, and on that, Ortiz is out at first.

Matsuzaka opens the inning with two down. Dude, he pulls this every time he starts. He'll be fine. Jack Hannahan sounds like the friend who would get killed in a movie about the Irish mafia, leading the main character to thirst for revenge. Oh, except now he's apparently the guy on first. Amazing jumping backhand grab by Lugo to end the inning. That will silence my "PUT IN JED LOWRIE" catcalls... for now.

4th Inning: Note that the Sox are actually outhitting the A's 4-2 even though we're losing 2-0. Manny is up. Manny will hit me a home run. Manny loves me. Nope, just kidding, he hates me and decides to fly out to Travis Buck (guhh) instead. I am going to take a loss by the Red Sox this morning as a personal affront. Manny looks great, by the way. Like in really good shape. Oh, Manny, I can't stay mad at you. Lowell flies out. Brandon Moss (who looks eerily like Bobby Kielty) is out at first. I think I need a shower.

FINALLY, a 1-2-3 inning from Dice-K. Shower time. Maybe that will make me feel less like a zombie.

6th Inning: Uh, it's now 3-2, Red Sox. I knew that was going to happen. It's been scientifically demonstrated that the Red Sox like to score the minute I leave the room. You can thank me for that later. Alan Embree and his giant wad of cheek mush are in for the A's, pitching to Varitek with 2 down and 1 on. Tek out on a foul tip into the catcher's mitt.

Kyle Snyder is in to pitch to Crosby, of whom I have become quite sick. What do we want to bet these people from New Hampshire being interviewed in the stands at the Tokyo Dome have never been to Europe? Also, I wonder if anyone in Oakland is even watching this game. Freaking Hannahan hits a 2-run home run off of Kyle Snyder. Well, that was over quick. Someone needs to teach Suzuki how to bunt. Rich Harden looks brooding and green-eyed in the dugout... mmm. Suzuki makes two down, and I'm going to have to leave in 10 minutes to go to work. UGH. Inning's over, and it's 4-2, Oakland.

7th Inning: Ellsbury is on, and then Lugo grounds into a double play. PUT IN JED LOWRIE.

Do they not have a Seventh Inning Stretch in Japan? Bwahaha I forgot Keith Foulke signed with Oakland. That makes me mildly more optimistic. PUT IN KEITH FOULKE! Snyder is out, at last, and I've got my fingers crossed hard that we'll see Okajima, which is making it really hard to get dressed and do my hair. Nope, just kidding, it's Javy Lopez. Who is cute. Yay. Out number 2. Lopez tosses a strikeout to end the inning. Heroics are coming up, most likely as soon as I leave to go to work.

I can't BELIEVE I have to leave right now. Someone call me if we score... please?

10th Inning: Oh man! I made it here just in time to catch Manny Ramirez knocking in Lugo and Ortiz with a double! Not quite as thrilling on MLB Gameday, perhaps, but hot DAMN. I was a fidgety mess on the T the entire way to work. 6-4, SAWX! Apparently it was Huston Street that let up those runs, that posturing pretty boy. He's out in favor of Lenny DiNardo, who I think was supposed to be in the A's starting rotation this year.

In case you're wondering what you (and I) missed, Brandon Moss (who the hell is Brandon Moss?) hit a game-tying home run in the top of the 9th. He spent most of last year in Pawtucket, but did play a couple of games in the Big Leagues... and looks to be off to a promising start this year. Moss actually scored in the 6th as well. Good for him.

Papelbon (obviously) is doing his thing for the Sox, and for my fantasy team as well. This was actually a pretty decent game, although I still resent MLB for making me endure it. Papelbon appears to be struggling to get outs, as Daric (is that really how he spells his name?) Barton walks. Jack Cust strikes out swinging, and we're two outs away from our FIRST victory of 2008 (and me getting a cup of coffee the size of a kiddie pool). Emil Brown is out at 3rd, but has knocked a run home. WHAT IS PAPELBON DOING?! 6-5, Sox. Smarmy-looking Bobby Crosby is up and singles on a line drive up the center. Now Hannahan (that spoiler) is up again. I'm already sick to death of this Oakland lineup. And, holy crap, Hannahan singles too, and there are 2 on with 2 down. Too bad no A's fans are awake to enjoy this. I bet Papelbon hasn't seen this many singles since the first taping of "Sox Appeal." (Ba-zing!) Kurt Suzuki is up. 2 balls (heh) from Papelbon. THANK GOD, Papelbon gets the out, and a whopping 9.00 ERA to start my fantasy season off right.

6-5, Red Sox! It wasn't pretty, but I'll take it. I'm just so happy there's real baseball on TV again, I could kiss someone.

Thanks for the handful of you checking in this morning. If you get a chance, the boys at Walkoff Walk double-teamed this game today as well, so check it out. And, with that, it's time to, uh, work. Sighhh...

Shelley Duncan's Miraculous Talking Eyeballs

2008-03-18T13:29:00.006-04:00

At times, I write timely and topical pieces keeping you, my loyal readers (hi, Mom and Dad!), informed about important goings-on in the sports world. At other times, because I am an Ivy-League snot and a former English teacher, I make fun of other people's apparent inability to formulate coherent sentences.

Join me then, if you will, in a chortle at this gem of a mangled idiom from an ESPN.com article on New York's Shelley Duncan, who is currently appealing his 3-game suspension following his participation in a brawl with the Rays last week:

"To give Bob Watson and Major League Baseball a chance to hear the story from my eyes is pretty important to me," Duncan said, according to MLB.com.

Phenomenal, Shelley. Apparently your eyeballs can talk. Wouldn't it be fun, indeed, if all ballplayers' body parts could talk? What do we think Akinori Iwamura's meat-and-2-veg would be saying to Duncan's cleats in this picture?

I'm guessing something along the lines of, "YEAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOO!"

I can't wait to die!

2008-03-17T11:43:00.004-04:00

I try to be philosophical about death. It's going to happen to all of us, you know? Plus, as I understand it, being dead means you can pull wacky pranks on Abbott and Costello. Cool!

One of the things that worries me about the prospect of death, though, is that I fear there will be no sports in the afterlife. I mean, everyone is supposed to kind of get along and junk once we've shuffled off this mortal coil, right? How is the prospect of eternal bliss in any way compatible with having to share said eternity and bliss with a bunch of dumbass brotards from the Bronx wearing Derek Jeter jerseys and arguing about how Chuck Knoblauch belongs in the Hall of Fame? (HE DOESN'T.) I'm not sure I'm comfortable with having to leave my homerism behind, even if it does mean a perfect life in an incorruptible body while participating in the transcendent spiritual good that underlies the universe. Damn it all to hell... wait, no, that's not what I meant.

Anyhoodle, it appears that MLB, forward-thinking body of spiritual assuagement that they are, has already anticipated this crisis of faiths, and has accordingly licensed a series of commemorative caskets and urns so that you can be buried with your love for your team.

Check out the full line at the company's website here; note that you can also buy Precious Moments and Star Trek caskets, should you feel so inclined.

Note: This story is actually pretty old, but it only showed up on The Sporting News yesterday, and I don't usually bother watching Outside The Lines because I don't care about human interest stories about how female high school wrestlers are brave for breaking gender stereotypes and blah blah blah.

Finally, a REASON to watch March Madness

2008-03-14T15:08:00.008-04:00

Obviously, that title is a tad on the facetious side, as the fact that I have no real college basketball allegiances (um, go Tigers? Hey, we were a 15th-seed team my sophomore year. Take that, Yale!) has never stopped me from watching every game the NCAA tournament has to throw at me each year. But this year, things is different. Why, you may ask? Well, kids, this year I'll be rooting for Cornell.

BECAUSE MY LITTLE BROTHER JUST GOT IN THERE.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

:)

Tampa Bay is the new Boston

2008-03-12T14:55:00.008-04:00

I know, I know, I'm as surprised to hear it as you are. But if recent flare-ups during Spring Training games between the ~~Devil~~ Rays and the Yankees are any indication, the AL East could have a sexy new rivalry on its hands come Opening Day.

The brouhaha started yesterday, when Yankees catching prospect Francisco Cervelli's wrist was shattered during a home plate collision with Rays infielder Elliot Johnson. (Note that, just days before, Carl Crawford had plowed into Astros catcher Humberto Quintero at the plate in another game. It seems that the Rays' plan for domination this year consists of taking out members of every other team one by one. That may be their only chance at a playoffs run, anyway.) New Yanks skipper Joe Girardi called the hit "uncalled for," but insisted that retaliation would not be in his next game plan. Rays manager Joe Maddon, however, appeared nothing short of gleeful at the crash, saying, "I loved the hardball." [Ed. note: Didn't we all?]

Today's matchup between the two teams, however, saw the tension escalate to a new level, as a high inside pitch thrown by pinstriped pitching prospect (whee!) Heath Phillips at red-hot Tampa Bay outfield prospect Evan Longoria resulted in Phillips' ejection. Later, Yankee Shelley Duncan (god, I feel like I'm a high-schooler filling my BFFs in on the hot gossip from the weekend!!1! omg 4eva) made an over-aggressive slide into second base [Ed. note: a technique I'm all too familiar with] -- and that was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. The result: A bench-clearing brawl that ultimately saw 5 players tossed from the game.

Man, I'm exhausted just from typing and hyperlinking that. Here's hoping these two lame-ass teams wear one another out by fighting all season, leaving my Red Sox to cruise effortlessly to another division title.

Next week: will Nick Markakis' secret finally be revealed? Will Vernon Wells' evil twin show up in time to stop the wedding? Tune in to find out... this is All My AL East Children.

Oh, and one final note: Evan Longoria (see below) has officially been added to my List Of Athletes I Love. Any other Yankees bitches trying to take him out this season will have ME to answer to. Seriously, this kid is hot (although some disagree with me). He'll be the future of Tampa Bay, as long as we can keep him from starting some half-assed and honestly kind of creepy charity...

Gawd, he's so FRESHFACED and FULL OF PROMISE. Yowza!

Live "Glog": Bruins v. Senators

2008-03-11T21:23:00.005-04:00

So I learned today that the proper technological term for live-blogging a game is "glogging." I'd seen the term before, but honestly, I kind of just thought everyone was spelling it wrong. Well, color me enlightened: "Glog" is a portmanteau of "G-ame" and "b-LOG." Thanks, Punter!

Accordingly, here is my (ahem!) glog of the 2nd period of the Bruins game (it's currently the 3rd, which makes this a LIVE glog):

THAT
CALL
WAS
HORSESHIT

Thank you.

That is all.

You should care about hockey

2008-03-11T11:09:00.009-04:00

This is always, always the worst week of the year for sports. The initial luster of Spring Training has worn off. Selection Sunday hasn't happened yet, so we don't have brackets to obsess over. There's plenty of kind-of-news that could or could not lend itself to mildly amusing posts, be it Felix Pie's twisted nether bits (gross), Billy Crystal suiting up for the Yankees (who gives a crap), or Dwayne Wade being out for the rest of the season (WAHHHHHHHH!). But, truth be told, I'm just not that INTERESTED in any of those stories (except for the D-Wade one, and that just makes me sad).

Instead, I think I'll spend the day practicing my Canadian accent in order to better hurl epithets at my television during the Bruins/Senators (that's Les Sénateurs d'Ottawa for you French speakers) game tonight.

Tonight's game, as with basically every game we have coming down the stretch, is A Big Deal. If we beat Ottawa, our point total will increase to 82; the Senators currently have 83 points on the season, while the division-leading Habs have 85. In other words, we're within striking distance of winning our division, which is probably more than the Leafs or Sabres (sorry, James) can say. However, given the highly competitive nature of the Atlantic division (the Devils have 86, the Penguins have 85, and the Rangers have 83) it could prove more difficult to actually win a 4-8 seed than to win our division. In other words: we need a friggin' win tonight.

Our last matchup against Ottawa on February 26 resulted in a 4-0 victory for us behind Tim Thomas' 22 saves and 2 goals from Zdeno Chara. Hopefully some of that sweet, sweet lovin' coming his way will help Thomas regain his magic in the goal tonight -- if he plays, since Coach Julien is playing his cards awfully close to his chest and not revealing who the starting netminder will be. No word yet on whether Chara, who missed Sunday's shootout loss to the Rangers with an upper torso injury (a broken heart?), will be back in action for tonight. I know many of you are simply dying of suspense, so rest assured: I'll check the updates after the B's morning skate at 11:30.

Update: Zdeno Chara will NOT be playing tonight. Marc Savard plans to score 7 first-period goals to make up for it. Alex Auld will be starting in goal.

Fantasy team #1: drafted!

2008-03-09T14:05:00.007-04:00

Despite the confusion of Daylight Savings, I still managed to drag myself out of bed this morning in time for my fantasy baseball draft. Hooray! My team's name is PronktablyUnbeatable, named for Travis Hafner's winning fantasy football team last year (yes, I read too much Sports Illustrated). Here are the picks:

Prince Fielder. Dude. Even with the 11th pick out of 13 teams I still got the Prince. Hawkins taking Miggy before Fielder? Pshhh thanks for the free RBIs, suckah.
Josh Beckett. Santana was the only starter off the board at this point, and I did get some accusations of being a homer for this pick, but we'll see who's laughing when I'm leading the league in wins.
Derrek Lee. I'm planning on playing Fielder at utility, so the opportunity to grab Lee at 1B was too good to pass up.
Jonathan Papelbon. I decided I was going to beat the closer rush this year. I feel no need to justify this pick.
Jason Bay. Good outfielders go fast in the first rounds. I had to make a move.
Joe Mauer. I couldn't BELIEVE he was still available in the 6th round, especially with a Twins homer like Boyle drafting before me. Plus, he ups the hottie factor of my team significantly -- an important factor frequently overlooked by my male counterparts.
Fausto Carmona. I struggled on this one -- did I want Roy Halladay instead? Ultimately, I opted for Carmona on the grounds that his team is significantly more likely to give him the run support for a win. Plus, he's looked great so far this spring.
Jacoby Ellsbury. I was trying hard not to overload my team with Red Sox... but come ON. Ellsbury still on the board in the 8th round? It would have been foolish not to take him. He's going to be a huge boost in the more elusive offensive categories.
Josh Fields. I LOVE this pick.
Trevor Hoffman. Koller put it best: "40 saves is 40 saves."
Jhonny Peralta. Thank god we're not in a defense league. Honestly, Jeter was still available at this point, but I just couldn't do it.
Jered Weaver. Weaver is going to win 14 games this year. You heard it here first. Do the sabermetrics.
Orlando Hudson. Damn, I am loving my infield at this point.
Jeremy Hermida. Here's hoping he can do for an entire season what he did for the second half of last year. I love the combination of Bay, Hermida, and Ellsbury in the outfield.
Andy Pettitte. No, I didn't want to draft a Yankee, but Pettitte is money. Honestly, I think he was a steal at this point in the draft.
Rick Ankiel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ryan Theriot. Wow. Another great pick. He can back up at both 2B and SS, and he likes to steal bases. I like that.
Adam LaRoche. I've said before that LaRoche is always drastically undervalued in fantasy drafts. This draft was no exception. He's already off to a hot start this spring, too. The obvious issue here is that I've got nowhere to play him, since 1B is the position I have the most depth at. He's great to have, though, if only for trading purposes.
Greg Maddux. Oh god he's like 100 years old. I still think he'll be an asset.
Mark Buehrle. Eh, I'm not thrilled with myself for freaking out and drafting 2 pitchers in a row this late in the draft, but I had so many extra innings left at the end of the last year that I felt the need to overcompensate this year. I should have taken another 3B. Ah well -- Buehrle is a workhorse, and he rebounded surprisingly well last year after that less-than-spectacular 2006 season.
Paul LoDuca. Considering I'll only play him when Mauer is out, and Mauer generally bats every day since he DH's when he's not catching, this was more insurance than anything else. There's nothing worse than scrambling to make a trade for a decent catcher when no one wants to trade theirs... and then you get stuck scooping up John Buck from the free agency pool and hating yourself for a month. Nooo thanks.

Yeah, I fizzled a bit in the later rounds (I was drafting for Tim, too, so I was switching back and forth between my rankings and his, and it got tough). The only real bummer was that I didn't get Evan Longoria. I made the mistake of mentioning that I was interested in him, and Boyle had to go rain on my parade. I LOVE this team, though, and overall I think I drafted well. I've got another draft in a couple of weeks, but for now these are my boys. Let's go Pronks!

Update: I changed my team name back to Bobby Kielty's Homer, which was the name I originally signed up with, and which is a nice double entendre given that I just pulled off a ridiculous trade for Mike Lowell and now have 4 members of my home team on my fantasy team. Now THAT is a homer.

Some straight-up Tim Thomas lovin'

2008-03-06T23:12:00.011-05:00

That's right. 'Cause lord knows my boy needs it. Just days after being named NHL Second Star of the Week coming off 3 straight wins (including that glorious performance against the Thrashers), Thomas melted down in the net against the onslaught of Ovechkin and the Capitals; he actually got pulled TWICE from that game. Tonight was another rough night for Thomas, as my boy let up 5 goals in an 8-2 loss to the Maple Leafs (insert joke about Canadians not being able to spell here). Wahh!

This is truly sad -- not only for the Bruins' playoffs chase, but because Thomas has been such a joy to watch goaltend this season. His unconventional, highly aggressive style is nothing short of dazzling at times, and he always displays a charming, boyish giddiness in press conferences after games where he knows he's done well. I'm laying it all on the table, as I am wont to do: I love me some Tim Thomas. Now, some have suggested that the best thing for me to do as a pro-active Bruins fan would be for me to provide Thomas with, er, some womanly attention. To which I say: nay. My love for Tim Thomas exists on a far more transcendent level than that. Thus, Tim Thomas, I send you my undying love and devotion via this series of tubes that we call the Internet. I believe in your ability to lead us into the postseason in a blaze of glory. I BELIEVE IN YOU, Tim Thomas.

Now, all we need is a little more of this:

and a little less of this:

You're welcome, Internet

2008-03-06T16:18:00.005-05:00

You knew I wouldn't put that big, ugly, not-at-all-sports-related rant up without also giving you a frosty chocolate milkshake to wash it down with. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to party with dinosaurs? Now you know, courtesy of the incomparable Whitest Kids U' Know.

Is there a way to burn Facebook down to the ground?

2008-03-06T15:33:00.006-05:00

Of course I'm on Facebook. Of course I'm addicted. I'm a recent college graduate with friends in countless different parts of the world (not to be confused with "hos in different area codes"), and I like keeping in touch with them. Plus, if there's a better tool for obsessing over cute boys, I haven't seen it.

But oh, I loathe so many, many things about Facebook. The tacky "applications." The games idiot people in idiot relationships play with changing their "status." And, above all, I hate the groups. "Haha you guys, let's make an automatically generated online page with an inside joke on it so it can occupy a line of text on the lower left corner of my profile and let the world know that I can enjoy the same jokes that 10,000 other dipshits do!" Kill me. Slowly and painfully.

Still, the typical inanity of such groups aside, I stumbled across this group today (which, I am sorry to report, two of my friends appear to have joined). Billing itself as "Young People AGAINST Barack Obama for President," the group appears to be a message board on which ultra-conservative young folks (god, I went to school with so many of those) can vent their poorly-constructed and empty arguments against the Liberal Left. I believe my favorite argument is the one suggesting that a vote for Barack is a vote for Hitler:

I agree with all of the supporters of Obama who cite the fact that he is a masterful orator. However, so was Hitler. So is Ahmadinejad. The dangers of his semantics and speeches enraptures the less self-aware and politically conscious electorate.

Really? The LESS self-aware and politically conscious? Oh, but not to worry -- there is a solution (a Final Solution?):

As disgusting as the idea sounds, we must ensure that Clinton receives the Democratic nomination.

I didn't realize college kids could sound so EVIL. "[We] must ensure..." Yikes! This group is just one more example of what I always experience when I read or listen to right-wing rhetoric. The kind of thing I might say while parodying such rhetoric (while twirling my moustache, wearing my tophat, and looking shiftily out through my monocle) is what people like this ACTUALLY SAY.

Now, all my good friends know me to be an ardent Clinton supporter -- in fact, I've devoted many hours to working on her campaign. Still, I like Obama a great deal, and would happily give him my vote were he to earn the Democratic nomination. And hot damn does this group make me mad. Madder than when I see a douchebag in a Yankees hat at the Cask & Flagon. Madder than when people walk slow on the sidewalk in front of me. Hell, even madder than when I rant about Jose Canseco. If anyone is friends with someone in this group, I highly encourage you to, like, not be.

Um, sports! Right.

Ahhhhh. That's better.

Technology is cool

2008-03-06T12:52:00.007-05:00

Working from home means lots of time to play with my computer. I finally figured out how to download photos from my phone -- lookie! Here's a shot from my seat at the Bruins game Tuesday night (no, not the 10-2 game, thankfully):

I really think it's time for the NHL to switch to an international-sized rink, don't you? I mean, this is just ridiculously small.

Sadly, I didn't figure out until just now how to change the resolution on my camera such that the file size won't be, well, teeny. If you squint, you can ALMOST see hockey players... proof that this is indeed a hockey game, and not a showing of Disney's High School Musical on Ice!

The Celtics are headed to the playoffs!

2008-03-06T12:13:00.004-05:00

Why do I feel like KG might be singing to the ball in this picture? Perhaps it's a still from the upcoming musical adaptation of the Celtics' 2008 season?

This surely doesn't come as surprising news -- I think everyone's been expecting to see the C's make it to the playoffs since before the season even started. But last night's 90-78 victory over Detroit sealed the deal, making the Celtics the first team in the NBA to earn a berth in this year's playoffs with a month and a half still left to play. Chauncy Billups was on Rajon Rondo like cheese on nachos and still couldn't hold him, as Rondo scored 16; Kevin Garnett contributed a season-high 31 points; Kendrick Perkins had 20 FREAKING BOARDS. It was a close game most of the way until the C's went on a 12-0 tear with around 5 minutes left in the 4th quarter and made it official. Well done, boys. This girl's proud of you.

Yeah, yeah. Western Conference ridiculously competitive stronger defense faster level of play more playoffs experience blah blah. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Everybody's a winner!

2008-03-06T10:06:00.005-05:00

So, there's been a bit of a debate going on in the comments below about the proper definition of a "Natural Hat Trick" in hockey. Fortunately, we have with us today one of hockey's all-time greats to clear things up:

(clears throat) Ahem. A natural hat trick is when a player scores either a) a goal in each of the three periods, b) three goals in one period, or c) three of his team's goals in succession in one game.

Thanks, Bobby!

In other words, we were ALL right. Isn't that special?

(here's the source if you're curious)

Let the haterade flow

2008-03-04T11:17:00.006-05:00

Today is the first warm day we've had in Boston. It's a glorious 56 degrees outside (that's officially referred to as "polka-dot dress weather" in Raquel-speak), and it seems only fitting to welcome the spring thaw with another spring tradition. That's right, kids... it's time to dust off my hatred of those pinstripers from the Bronx and bring it back to front and center on my mantle.

Now, I'll admit that the sheer joy of our thrilling journey to World Championship Land last fall was almost enough to sate my baseball bloodlust, rendering me magnanimous in victory and simply unconcerned with those pesky Yanks. However, I can thank the excellent Sports Hernia for reminding me why I should NEVER FORGET what unbelievable chumps who deserve to get their asses handed to them in painful and embarrassing fashion the Bronx Bombers truly are. From the mouth of Hank Steinbrenner:

"Go anywhere in America and you won't see Red Sox hats and jackets, you'll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country. In fact, it reminds me of that great Chevy commercial about how 'this is our country', I feel as though that was written with the New York Yankees in mind. We're going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order."

First of all, [deep breath] GUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Second of all, I thought the Rockies had already claimed to be America's team. Third of all, seriously Hank, SHUT UP. Everything you say is garbage. We know you're trying to step out from under Daddy's shadow, but surely there are ways to accomplish that other than by being an insufferable blowhard. Oh, and it gets worse:

"Now from what I've seen and what my baseball people tell me, they have a fine closer up there in young Papelbon. But I'll be damned if he's the only one doing the Irish jig and running around like Shelley Duncan and my younger Yankees. Let it be known to Red Sox nation that when the Yankees board the Death Star and make their way to Boston for the first time this season in April, you can bet I'll be dancing on their logo as soon as I get there. And if they shave those funny looking socks into the mound area, you can be damn sure I'll be dancing on those too."

Now that's just... like... weird. Is he honestly, deliberately comparing his Yankees to the evil empire of death and destruction in Star Wars? Shouldn't that be the image he's trying NOT to cultivate if they are, in fact, America's team? Will the Yankees actually be riding a gigantic moon-sized space station with the firepower to destroy an entire planet to their first series in Boston? God, I'm so confused!

Ahh... I can feel the Yankees hatred flowing back into my veins, as strong as it ever was. All is right with the world.

It's almost enough to make a girl forget about that embarrassing 10-2 ass-kicking by the Capitals last night. ALMOST. There can't be many players who've managed to score a hat trick within one freaking period of a hockey game...

More Bruins goodness

2008-02-29T21:21:00.002-05:00

Finally! That Axelsson goal I was raving about is in this video -- it's around the 2:20 mark. Check out Chara's slapshot from the blue line, too, and some of Thomas' magnificent saves.

I got your 2008 NL Central prediction... RIGHT HERE

2008-02-29T15:23:00.004-05:00

I'm not generally a huge fan of the "Let's make fun of sports fans we don't consider as intelligent as us" meme from Deadspin (although I occasionally chime in when I'm feeling that perfect combination of bitchy and clever). However, I simply had to share this picture from the profile of today's Featured ESPN commentor of the day, a gentleman who bills himself as die_hard_stlfan:

Now that, my friends, is how painted, pasty man-back-fat should look.

Incidentally, as long as we're talking about the Cards, I'd like to point out that they're currently beating Santana and the Mets 4-3. Pujols hit a home run, because that is what he does. Good for them. The Braves are shelling the Dodgers 10-2, and the Orioles and Marlins are deadlocked at 5-5 in another grapple for the title of Marginally Less Crappy Eastern Seaboard Team.

Spring Training games, Day 2: Update!

2008-02-29T10:33:00.006-05:00

Nah, this picture's not from yesterday, but I don't care. And neither should you.

It's Day 3 of the Spring Training games! Here's a look at yesterday's games:

Braves v. Dodgers: Given the opportunity, would you kick Jason Schmidt in the nuts? In a recent survey, a whopping 85% of Dodgers fans replied that yes, yes they would. The remaining 15% also expressed a desire to kick Jason Schmidt in the nuts, but added that they would like to be screaming "Give us back our money you chubby hack!" while doing so. Well, the answer to that question surely hasn't changed, as Schmidt apparently threw 53 pitches in a workout and spent the rest of the afternoon whining about it. Maybe Alyssa Milano can cheer him up. This game played out just as you would expect a dull game between two mediocre NL teams to. Dodgers won, and Andruw Jones scored even though he is fat. 5-4, Los Angeles.

Marlins v. Orioles: Which of these two supposed "youth movements" is less likely to result in gross humiliation this season? Uh, I'm going to have to go with Florida on that one, as the Orioles got completely shelled yesterday. Hanley Ramirez stole two bases because he is amazing. Could it be that Tampa Bay might actually NOT finish dead last in the AL East this year? Eh, who cares. At least the Orioles' bullpen only gave up 16 runs, and not 30. 16-3, Florida.

Astros v. Indians: I mean, I guess we could ask whether or not the Indians look as primed for success as they did last season. But I think the question everyone's REALLY concerned with is this: Are Grady Sizemore's features still as boyishly handsome as ever? The Tribe was mostly concerned with giving their prospects a chance to demonstrate what they can do offensively yesterday, and the up-and-comers delivered in stellar fashion. Grady still looks great, though. Today's game should actually be more exciting, as Paul Byrd and Roy Oswalt square off. 12-2, Cleveland.

Mets v. Cardinals: Can the underdog Cards rally to hold off the Mets in the wake of the Scott Spiezio scandal? (And does Spiezio really need all those vowels in his name?) Will the Cards actually have someone to put on the mound come opening day? Will Tony LaRussa's plan to bat the pitcher 8th be in any way effective? How many home runs will Rick Ankiel hit and then subsequently dedicate to me? SO MANY QUESTIONS! Well slap me silly, 'cause the Cards' pitching actually looked pretty decent yesterday as they shut out the Mets. David Wright almost ruined the shutout with a run-scoring double in the 2nd, but my darling Rick was there to rob him of the hit and save the day. 7-0, St. Louis. From the Post-Dispatch:

JUPITER, Fla. -- The words Cards outfielder Chris Duncan settled on as the best way to describe it were: "pretty sick."

In the first inning of Thursday's spring opener, Rick Ankiel sprinted to catch a deep fly ball to left-center hit by Mets third baseman David Wright.

Ankiel dove and snared the ball with a shoestring catch. When he thudded on the warning track, the ball popped out of his glove and he snatched it again to secure the out.

"Might have changed the game," manager Tony La Russa said.

Pirates v. Phillies: Um, how much does it suck being from Pennsylvania? Unless you're Amish, of course. They get away with everything. The Phillies irritate me for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, so I enjoyed reading that the hapless Pirates were able to stomp all over their Eastern Pennsylvania counterparts. Ryan Howard homered, but so did Adam LaRoche (the sleeper pick in every fantasy draft; a truly underrated player). 11-6, Pittsburgh.

Blue Jays v. Tigers: Roy Halladay: miraculous granter of childhood wishes, or bucket-defouling jerk? Once again, my boy Magglio, along with Curtis Granderson, was the star of the game. Of the Jays' pitchers, Chacin looked the best. I know it's early, but it already seems pretty clear that Detroit is the team to beat in the AL this year. No word on Halladay... yet. 4-1, Detroit.

White Sox v. Rockies: Do Clint Hurdle and Ozzie Guillen hate one another? I feel like they must. Heh. The Rockies' pitching got shelled last night. Nick Swisher and Jose Contreras both looked great. I actually think the White Sox are going to be a decent team this year -- too bad they're stuck in a division with the Tigers. 12-3, Chicago.

Cubs v. Giants: If the Giants play a baseball game without Barry Bonds, does the media even bother to show up? Yes, but that sure doesn't guarantee anything else for the Giants. Kosuke got plunked on his first plate appearance of the preseason and reached base on both of his other at-bats as well, so this looks pretty promising for the Cubs. Ryan Dempster was also in decent form last night. I'd say it was a good day to be from Chicago, regardless of who your baseball team is; maybe this will help you forget about your dismal QB situation. 12-6, Chicago.

Rockies v. Diamondbacks: Why does this sound familiar? Yup, this game was just as dull as its October predecessor, ending in a tie. The Rockies sure aren't looking much like the team everyone was waxing poetic about last fall. Maybe they can whine about how they had too much downtime, and that's affecting their performance or something. 5-5, nobody.

Athletics v. Brewers: Will Billy Beane's offseason fire sale pay off despite the fact that the A's are officially 65% less entertaining without Nick Swisher? I mean... you can't really expect a gutted AL West team to look too good against the likes of Prince Fielder and Ryan Braun. For the record, I like the Brewers to win the NL Central this year. Maybe Eric Gagne will even help a little. 7-1, Brewers.

Rangers v. Angels: Seriously, how nasty is Vlad? Torii Hunter and Gary Matthews Jr. were actually the offensive leaders yesterday, but I'm pretty sure Vlad is still nasty. Kason Gabbard struck out 3 over 2 innings for Texas. The game ended in a tie. 3-3, nobody.

Note: I inadvertently left off the Reds-Twins game yesterday. Two crappy central-division teams. Eh. Cincinnati won, 6-1. I have at least one reader whom this will make happy.

RED SOX SPRING TRAINING OPENER VS. THE TWINS TODAY. I'm not sure I'll have time to do my little preview of all the games today, but Johan Santana is pitching for the Mets for the first time today. That should be exciting. As for me, I'll be glued to my TV from 7 pm onwards. GO SOX!

Fight!

2008-02-28T23:41:00.004-05:00

Here's the Milan Lucic vs. Jarkko Ruutu (my goodness there are a great deal of superfluous letters there) fight from the Bruins-Penguins game tonight. What a great game. Bruins won 5-1 behind the stellar goaltending of Tim Thomas; this is the B's 5th straight win. What I really want to post, actually, is a video of this incredible goal P.J. Axelsson scored in the 2nd, but I can't find it anywhere. So we have fighting instead. Man I love hockey.

Also, it bears mentioning that Marian Hossa injured his knee last night and sat out the entire third period. No word on what his condition will be after today. It's been a rough season for the Penguins injury-wise, no question. At least the Pirates thrashed the Phillies 11-6 in the preseason game yesterday. This will undoubtedly be the only time this year that Pittsburgh types can actually look to the Pirates as a source of cheer and optimism, so I'd say go ahead and cherish this moment.

Spring Training games, Day 2

2008-02-28T12:03:00.009-05:00

Not pictured: wads and wads of money being flushed down the toilet.

A full day of preseason action today. Hooray! Here's a rundown of the burning questions today's games will hopefully answer:

Braves v. Dodgers: Given the opportunity, would you kick Jason Schmidt in the nuts? In a recent survey, a whopping 85% of Dodgers fans replied that yes, yes they would. The remaining 15% also expressed a desire to kick Jason Schmidt in the nuts, but added that they would like to be screaming "Give us back our money you chubby hack!" while doing so.

Marlins v. Orioles: Which of these two supposed "youth movements" is less likely to result in gross humiliation this season?

Astros v. Indians: I mean, I guess we could ask whether or not the Indians look as primed for success as they did last season. But I think the question everyone's REALLY concerned with is this: Are Grady Sizemore's features still as boyishly handsome as ever?

Mets v. Cardinals: Can the underdog Cards rally to hold off the Mets in the wake of the Scott Spiezio scandal? (And does Spiezio really need all those vowels in his name?) Will the Cards actually have someone to put on the mound come opening day? Will Tony LaRussa's plan to bat the pitcher 8th be in any way effective? How many home runs will Rick Ankiel hit and then subsequently dedicate to me? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Pirates v. Phillies: Um, how much does it suck being from Pennsylvania? Unless you're Amish, of course. They get away with everything.

Blue Jays v. Tigers: Roy Halladay: miraculous granter of childhood wishes, or bucket-defouling jerk?

White Sox v. Rockies: Do Clint Hurdle and Ozzie Guillen hate one another? I feel like they must.

Cubs v. Giants: If the Giants play a baseball game without Barry Bonds, does the media even bother to show up?

Rockies v. Diamondbacks: Why does this sound familiar?

Athletics v. Brewers: Will Billy Beane's offseason fire sale pay off despite the fact that the A's are officially 65% less entertaining without Nick Swisher?

Rangers v. Angels: Seriously, how nasty is Vlad?

Note: The Red Sox are also playing two exhibition games against BC and Northeastern today, but I've been sticking to the major-league matchups.

Happy watching/listening today!

Spring Training games, Day 1: Update!

2008-02-27T21:58:00.008-05:00

Magglio Ordóñez' smile could melt the polar ice caps. If global warming were a joke, that is. Which it's not. Anyway, this might be my favorite picture of him ever.

The first day of exhibition games is officially under our belt. This morning, the air was filled with questions. Let us assess what we have learned since then:

Reds v. Phillies: Will Dusty Baker actually be a decent manager now that he doesn't have phenomenal pitching talent to run into the ground through overuse? Heh. Nope. The Phillies stomped all over the hapless Reds, as Jamie Moyer hurled 3 scoreless innings and Ryan Howard emphatically demonstrated just how much he deserves his new raise. Any Lou Piniella detractors in the Chicago area should be silent as they ponder just how much worse it could be. The lone ray of light for Cincinnati was that Jeremy Affeldt pitched a fairly decent couple of innings. 8-1, Philadelphia.

Mets v. Tigers: Will Detroit now be ridiculously, mindblowingly good, or just really really good? Cabrera and Willis didn't factor into Detroit's win, but you can bet your sweet ass Magglio Ordóñez did. With Miggy hitting behind Magglio (holy cow that's a lot of G's in one sentence), I'm going to go ahead and say that yeah, Detroit looks scary this year. Neither team appears to have plans to start its new ace any time soon, however, so we'll have to wait and see on that one. 4-2, Detroit.

Rockies v. White Sox: Will Orlando Cabrera's production at the top of the lineup make up for the loss of Jon Garland and his pretty-boy facial hair? Actually, I think it will, but the Other Sox didn't look so hot this afternoon. The Rockies came out swinging (sorry) and put together a strong offensive showing behind Holliday and Tulowitzki. 7-3, Colorado.

Royals v. Rangers: Can two teams with no pitching staff to speak of actually complete a full-length major league baseball game? Apparently so. I've literally never heard of any of the people who pitched for either team today. I've heard of Gil Meche and Kason Gabbard (wahhhhhh Kason I take it all back), who are both pitching in the next games for their respective teams, so I'll be more informed for those. I feel like the only way for a game between two crappy teams to end is with one beating the other significantly, and such was the case here. 6-1, Texas.

Nationals v. Marlins: No questions here: Either way, Jeffrey Loria is delighted at the misery he leaves in his wake. And, as it turns out, there was no actual winner in this game (exhibition games can end in ties), so he's happy. That's one of the great truisms of our times, in fact: when nobody wins, only Jeffrey Loria is happy. And hot damn is he happy. On the plus side for the Marlins, Scott Olsen managed to make it through 2 whole innings without getting tased for anything. 3-3, the rest of the NL East.

Tomorrow's games to come, well, tomorrow.

Does anyone else find those Cheetos "Underground" commercials really creepy? They make me kind of uncomfortable.

Spring Training games, Day 1

2008-02-27T16:35:00.010-05:00

In case you hadn't heard, Spring Training games officially got under way today. At long last, the questions you've been losing sleep over during the offseason will finally be answered:

Reds v. Phillies: Will Dusty Baker actually be a decent manager now that he doesn't have phenomenal pitching talent to run into the ground through overuse?

Mets v. Tigers: Will Detroit now be ridiculously, mindblowingly good, or just really really good?

Rockies v. White Sox: Will Orlando Cabrera's production at the top of the lineup make up for the loss of Jon Garland and his pretty-boy facial hair?

Royals v. Rangers: Can two teams with no pitching staff to speak of actually complete a full-length major league baseball game?

Nationals v. Marlins: No questions here: Either way, Jeffrey Loria is delighted at the misery he leaves in his wake.

Update: One of the guys at Walk Off Walk actually had the mental fortitude to live-blog an XM radio broadcast of the Reds' loss to the Phillies. Apparently Jamie Moyer can still pitch in between getting surgery and making weird old-man noises every time he gets up from the bench. Who knew?

Spring Training picture of the day

2008-02-27T09:34:00.007-05:00

Why this photo and not another, you might ask? Because catchers are hot, that's why. Joe Mauer, Jarrod Saltalamacchia, and now Dusty Brown. Maybe it's all that padding. Who knows. I dig it.

The Boston media is giving an undue amount of attention to the Bartolo Colon deal. This makes no sense to me. I fully expect Colon to get shelled for 8 or 9 runs in 12 2/3 innings over 3 games down in Pawtucket and then ultimately be released when he messily devours Jed Lowrie after mistaking him for a Twinkie with hair. Yes, it's tempting to think that everything Theo Epstein touches turns to gold, but my goodness have we ALREADY forgotten the lesson of Eric Gagne? I get hives just thinking about that trade. Anyhoo, the bottom line is that I'm not going to waste time browsing pictures of Bartolo when I can be drooling over our farm system instead.

Please note how well I'm resisting the urge to make a tasteless joke involving Colon's last name.

On a non-Red Sox note, can I just say how much I love the AP stories that make it into the ESPN.com headlines? They're always reports of someone saying something controversial with no source, location, or byline. Like this little tidbit about Cubs CEO Sam Zell apparently telling someone, somewhere (his barber? his dog? an uninterested Alfonso Soriano?) that he wouldn't care about changing the name of Wrigley Field. Which he shouldn't, because Wrigley is already named after a corporate sponsor, so what on earth difference does it make? In fact, I'd be excited to see a name change at Wrigley, if only because I have to imagine that the ensuing Jay Mariotti columns would be hilarious. I'm not going to lie: I kind of love reading Mariotti, if only because I get a kick out of the obvious seething contempt he has for his media colleagues, Chicago fans, and generally speaking everyone who is not him. He's like the Dick Cheney of sports reporting. Do I think Mariotti would "accidentally" shoot someone in the face on a hunting trip? Absolutely I do. I sincerely hope to see a "Let's Change the Name of Wrigley Field to We Are Purposely Allowing the Brewers to Win the Division Every Year for the Next Ten Years Field, and Chicago Fans Are Stupid Homers For Disagreeing With Me" column in the Sun-Times sometime within the next week.

Something for the ladies

2008-02-26T18:03:00.007-05:00

By which I mean me and Smurphette. Yowza. Look at that strapping Midwestern lad.

Don't worry, Rick. You'll always be my favorite.

Spring Training!

2008-02-26T11:33:00.005-05:00

So it's less than a week until the first preseason games, and the excitement is palpable. At least, it is in my half of the apartment. By which I mean I'm really excited. Noteworthy items this week:

Roger Clemens to work out with Astros' minor leaguers after promising not to throw at his son's head
Miguel Cabrera now 15 pounds lighter, still pretty fat
Hanley Ramirez adorable and media-friendly; will likely be out for the season after attempt to metaphorically saw off his leg to escape the contract that has him chained to Pro Player Stadium until 2012 results in real, non-metaphorical injury
Fans, baseball writers once again expressing excitement over Rickie Weeks even though any fantasy owner can tell you he did them NO FUCKING GOOD last year
Mark DeRosa suffering from irregular heartbeat brought on from entire season of waking up in the middle of the night to see Lou Piniella standing over his bed and breathing heavily
Cardinals still desperately searching to round out their starting rotation; Rick Ankiel (xoxo) backing quietly out of the room whenever the discussion comes up
Kosuke Fukudome still a source of hope, filthy jokes for Cubs fans
Nomar Garciaparra claims this is his "comeback year" for fourth year in a row as Dodgers fans remain jaded, emotionally numb
Red Sox sign Bartolo Colon to minor league deal; McCoy Stadium in Pawtucket to add small grazing pasture behind right field wall

Also: do the Clippers have those weird jugglers at EVERY halftime?

Hooray for basketball

2008-02-25T10:22:00.006-05:00

It was a decent weekend for basketball. First off, my Celtics finally managed to figure out how NOT to get stomped all over by the Western Conference last night (the key, apparently, was for Paul Pierce to start hitting 3-pointers again). Second, the Vols' win over previously undefeated Memphis on Saturday made for some pretty exciting watching. Tennessee basketball is pretty much the only sports allegiance I have in common with my lovely but somewhat contrarian roommate (her because of her dad, me because I think Bruce Pearl is awesome), so we enjoyed cheering on the boys together.

On that theme, here is a link to quite possibly the greatest basketball-related post I have ever seen. I just about fell out of my chair laughing.

Scott Boras: not all the way black?

2008-02-22T11:21:00.007-05:00

It feels a bit like MLB must be desperate to drub up some more baseball news -- the season's kicking into gear with the speedy approach of spring training games, and yet there's surprisingly little controversy or drama to get people's attention. The baseball preseason is always different from the football preseason in that sense, and yet this year seems even more tepid than usual. Ryan Howard wins his arbitration? Makes sense. The Phillies never freaking win anything. The Marlins are getting a new stadium? They'll probably wind up dismembering Hanley Ramirez's body and selling his limbs on eBay to pay for a tank of exotic-looking tropical fish in one of the lobbies. It's seriously not even clear to me that the Marlins even have a team to put on the field come opening day. The only other baseball news is that steroids garbage, and lord knows we're all just as sick of that as can be.

Where, then, are we to turn for a source of fresh, exciting baseball news?

Oh, Gary Sheffield. What on earth would we do without you?

This time, Sheffield got people's attention by coming out and badmouthing Scott Boras to anyone who would listen.

"Total hell," [Sheffield] said. "I shouldn't have ever introduced myself to him. Period. Bad person."

Sheffield and Boras parted ways in 2003, so there legitimately seems to be no reason on earth why Sheffield would bring this up now other than that he's dying for attention. It's like his brain is actually a random controversial phrase generator that periodically spews out sound bites containing the words "black," "Joe Torre," "blame," "steroids," and "Barry Bonds." I'm surprised he doesn't talk in one of those weird computer voices.

The best part of the ESPN story is that Sheffield openly, gleefully admits that he loves the attention he gets by being such a loudmouth.

"My family has been trying to get me to walk away for a while now because they don't like the negative stuff that comes my way. I love it," Sheffield acknowledged. "I try to explain it to them, but they think that's some psychotic thing."

Points for honesty, anyway. And how great is that picture of Sheffield? He looks like he's in costume to play a substitute teacher on Saved By The Bell. Baseball would be so boring without people like Gary Sheffield. It'd be all Joe Mauers and Khalil Greenes living clean and exhibiting sportsmanship while high-fiving one another after games and saying things like "aw shucks" when they struck out. In other words: the Colorado Rockies. Guhhh.

Wait what

2008-02-21T12:06:00.003-05:00

For pretty much the first time since he got traded to Boston, Manny Ramirez isn't voicing his desire to be traded to another team. On the contrary: Manny said he's very happy staying just where he is, and in fact wants to retire with Boston.

Well that's just peachy. Here's a picture of Manny arriving at Fort Myers and looking kind of like a shot of Fergie buying groceries or something in the "Stars: They're Just Like Us!" section of a tabloid.

Seriously, I don't get the pants. But as far as I'm concerned, Manny Ramirez can wear whatever the hell he wants as long as he stays in Boston.

Oh yes, here you go.

Spring Training Watch

2008-02-21T11:43:00.007-05:00

Ahh, spring training. Here's fresh-faced shortstop prospect Jed Lowrie. He batted .300 with a .862 OPS in Pawtucket last year while playing decent defense -- he's known for his ability to work pitchers for quality at-bats, and his throwing power from SS. Plus, he was born in 1984, just like me. We have so much in common.

Looking at all those pictures from Fort Myers almost makes me forget that it's approximately 65 degrees below zero outside.

God Save the Fan, indeed

2008-02-21T09:51:00.004-05:00

This is clearly going up a day later than it should -- I was actually so busy yesterday that I went the entire day without checking my email. I think the last time I went a full day without checking my email was when I was in Canada this summer. It's a rarity, indeed... anyway, the point is that I do feel it would be remiss of me not to mention that yes, I'm a huge dork, and yes, I went to hear Will Leitch read from his book on Tuesday night. The reading was funny and engaging, and a bunch of us went for pints at Game On afterwards. Leitch was very gracious, and it was loads of fun meeting so many other sports nerds and putting faces to some of the names I'm so used to seeing on Deadspin. (The best part of the night, of course, was having all those other sports geeks on hand to deconstruct KG's less-than-inspired comeback against Denver.)

And how, you might ask, did Leitch sign my book?

"Ankiel Forever," of course.

More steroids... sorry

2008-02-19T14:58:00.005-05:00

I hate that I've devoted as much thought as I have -- and am likely to continue along this vein for some time -- to the steroids controversy. I really do. I've already said my piece concerning where I stand on the MLB steroids witchhunt, and if being able to enjoy baseball without the rodent-like countenance of Henry Waxman looming in my consciousness means I watch every damn game on mute this season, then that's what I shall do.

My consistent scorn for the Mitchell report and its aftermath notwithstanding, however, I do feel the urge to take issue with Hank Steinbrenner's recent comments that professional football has a far greater steroid problem than MLB. Perhaps (in fact, probably) I'm just hating because he's a Steinbrenner, but I find Hank's assertions to be poorly informed and deliberately, frustratingly shy of the point. Never mind the fact that the NFL has had a steroids policy that is at least consistent, if perhaps not maximally efficient, in place for nearly two decades. The fact is, athletes' bodies are subject to a vastly greater number of x-factors in football than they are in baseball. Taking steroids in the NFL may lead to a few games' worth of inflated performance, and perhaps even an outstanding season that no one will ever know the true cause of. But just as there are plenty of players in the NFL (and in MLB) that accomplish jaw-dropping feats of athleticism without performance enhancers, there are also no doubt dozens of PED abusers whose transgressions never come to light because said abusers are hampered by injury, by being part of a lousy team, or even by the fact that they may play at a position that simply doesn't draw a great deal of attention or scrutiny. The issue in baseball is, and has been for years, that, across the board, it is the truly outstanding players that generally appear to have been guilty of chemically cheating. Mark McGwire. Barry Bonds. Roger Clemens. Sammy Sosa. That's what made the whole Jason Grimsley affair so sad -- that a journeyman pitcher of such modest standing would seemingly deign to place himself in the same category as the other, better players he brought down with him. In football, yes, steroids may make the difference between a Shawn Merriman and an Andre Frazier, but more often than not they are merely going to make the difference between an extra sack or two in a November matchup before the offending player gets injured anyway. In baseball, though, steroid abuse has proven that it can make the difference between the Home Run King and an arrogant, disproportionate mutant topping the charts of our most hallowed records; between people feuding over an asterisk given for a few extra games played in a season and a single-season home run record no one will ever take seriously (and whose owner will never see the inside of Cooperstown as anything other than a visitor). Of course there's steroid abuse in the NFL. There's probably steroid abuse in curling. But sorry, Hank, there's no way you're going to look anybody (other than perhaps your raving, senile father) in the face and tell them that steroids are a bigger problem in football than in baseball.

You know who DIDN'T take steroids? The Devil Toad. He didn't NEED steroids, dammit. You don't mess with the Devil Toad.

In other news: the Patriots sign yet another very old linebacker in Zach Thomas; Dallas gets even better as the crappy-Eastern-conference-team-to-already-ridiculously-good-
Western-conference-team exodus continues with Jason Kidd's trade; tomorrow is the official deadline for position players to report to Spring Training so there are sure to be plenty of Rick pictures for me to post. Yay!

Yum

2008-02-18T13:49:00.001-05:00

The Dwight Howard "It's a dunk if I say it is, bitches" performance was also pretty cool, but for sheer deliciousness it was Gerald Green's slam dunk in the dunk contest on Saturday night that... wait for it... TOOK THE CAKE. Ha!

Big ups to the East for representing and pulling out the win thanks to the superhuman (as always) efforts of LeBron James. I, along with most people, was expecting the West to carry the day, soooo yeah that's exciting.

You know what's NOT exciting? NASCAR on TV. Every year I tell myself I'm going to try and get into watching NASCAR on TV, and every year I am utterly unsuccessful because it is just so freaking boring. There's so much advertising and sponsorship talk and other hoopla that I completely forget that there's any kind of actual sporting competition going on. It's like watching pop-up ads battle to the death or something. "Let's go, free trial month of Netflix! You can take down that wussy Find Your High School Classmates!" It's too bad, too, because the excitement of being at a NASCAR race live is such a freaking rush. It's so LOUD, man. Sadly, no TV coverage ever does it justice... although at least the FOX coverage, unlike ESPN's disastrous attempt at it last year, is actually somewhat watchable.

YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEE!

2008-02-15T09:44:00.010-05:00

It was just another chilly February day up here in Boston... but down in Fort Myers, some very special young lads in red stockings were convening on a muddy field to play a little baseball...

OH MY GOD

SPRING TRAINING IS FINALLY HERE!

Mmmm. Let's look at some of the pictures Boston.com had to offer up this morning:

As always, Papelbon's expression says so much more than my words every could. YAY BASEBALL! Also reporting yesterday was Kevin Youkilis:

Youk looks more like he's gearing up to tailgate the Pocono 500 (most fun sporting event I've ever been to, by the way) than to play baseball, but hey. As long as I'm in giddy, blathering baseball mode, I'm sharing my favorite Youkilis moment of this past season: One of the business school profs I worked for over the summer gave me absolute DREAM seats to a Sox/Blue Jays game: 10 rows up from home plate, smack in the center. That's VIP shit, baby. Schilling was pitching, so I decided to take Mommy dearest since I know she loves him. Bottom of the 1st, Youk steps up to bat and all of Fenway immediately chimes in with "YOOOOOOOOOOOUK!" as he gets ready to hit. My mom turns to me, deeply concerned: "Raquel, why are they booing him?!" Hee hee.

Moving on. Let us all take a moment to bask in the glow of up-and-coming talent and youthful good looks that emanates at all times from Clay Buchholz:

I can't WAIT to see Buchholz pitch this season. Joba Chamberlain, my ass. It would be tragically shortsighted, though, to let Clay distract me from the other fine young pitching prospects gracing the field yesterday:

Yowza. That's Michael Bowden, who has a distinctly Matt Damon-esque quality -- not to mention a 95-mph four-seam fastball that's supposed to be killer. And let's not forget Hunter Jones (hot name, so-so face) and Justin Masterson (sighhhhhh):

Forgive the blatant objectification of this post. Boys, you got the SI Swimsuit Issue this week, so let me indulge.

First spring training game is 2 FREAKING WEEKS AWAY, people.

A Valentine for Roger Clemens

2008-02-14T12:05:00.008-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Dateless though I may be, it's been a pretty great V-day so far in that I finally managed to wake up and get myself to work after 3 days holed up on my sofa killing brain cells with a heady combination of Theraflu and daytime television. The world on the whole looks sunny and sparkly, and I'm sending lots of loverly wishes to everyone out there. In honor of the day, I encourage you to read Jean Teasdale's magnificent Valentine's column from a few years ago and have a nice, cynical laugh. As for my holiday plans, they include eating oranges and going to bed early. Woohoo.

One advantage to being home yesterday was that I got to watch the Roger Clemens hearing almost in its entirety. Honestly, I thought Roger came off pretty well until the end when Senator Ratface had to gavel him down. McNamee looked like a squirmy little liar to me. And yes, dammit, I'm biased. I've made no bones about the fact that I love Roger, and I am perfectly willing to take his claims of innocence at face value until I am presented with more conclusive evidence to the contrary. To call this whole steroids thing a witchhunt is to label it perfectly, as it seems the accused are left utterly without recourse to clear their names once they've been fingered. I detest a system so lacking in merit, and I refuse to buy into it. At the same time, I respect Andy Pettitte for his candor; the idea, though, that no response other than a full-on admittance of guilt is an acceptable one makes a mockery of our justice system. The purpose of the steroids investigation should be to foster a more honest major league baseball environment in which individuals are held accountable for their actions going forward, not to muddy and disgrace the great games and players of the past without sufficient evidentiary cause for doing so.

Roger Clemens, you get to be my valentine this year. You're my favorite athlete of all time, and even if no one else supports you, I do. I've always loved you, pinstripes or no, and I don't intend to quit now. Last month I stayed up until midnight one night to watch your 20-strikeout game against Seattle on NESN Classic. I knew what was going to happen on every pitch before you threw it, and I still clapped my hands and shrieked like a giddy schoolgirl for every fastball that went whiffing over the plate. You sure as hell weren't on steroids then; you were running on youthful adrenaline and blinding natural talent. You are an asshole, that's for sure, but history will attest to the fact that "men I love" and "assholes" are practically* concentric circles in the Venn diagram of my life. So there you have it, Roger. I choo-choo-choose you. Happy Valentine's Day.

* The exceptions, of course, being my dad and brother. Happy Valentine's Day, boys, and a big one to Mom and the little bug too!

A very half-assed post

2008-02-12T10:16:00.001-05:00

I really don't have anything insightful, illuminating, or entertaining to put up. I've been in bed with a fever of about 102 for the last 36 hours and all I've had the energy to do is eat crackers and dab at my face with a cold washcloth (and I'm not really doing a good job on either of those, since there are cracker crumbs everywhere and I just dropped my washcloth). Here's some video of the controversial last-second foul call from last night's Georgetown-Villanova game. Personally, I think the call was crap. You can go find some people to argue about it with. Feel free to send soup my way.

WHAT

2008-02-09T21:20:00.000-05:00

Explain to me how the Bruins can outshoot the Panthers 36-25 and still lose 6-3.

%^$&*^@*(#^)!*%$(*&@*(&*!%)*&@&(*#^!(

Recommended for your viewing pleasure

2008-02-09T18:53:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow night at 11 pm on IFC is the season premiere of The Whitest Kids U' Know. I highly, HIGHLY recommend that you tune in and get addicted to their bizarre, dorky, oddly hypnotic sketch comedy. There are plenty more clips on YouTube (yes, YouTube and I are temporarily friends again) if the above isn't enough to sway you. I don't know these guys -- you can be assured I would be a full-time groupie if I did -- but they are amazing and hilarious and you should watch them!

Stephon Marbury is a whiny little girl

2008-02-09T17:57:00.000-05:00

I already called shenanigans on Stephon Marbury for taking 2 weeks off earlier this year when his father SUPPOSEDLY died. I guess I feel kind of bad now, since his father really did die. Still, Marbury has gone to great lengths to ensure that any credibility he may have earned would be speedily negated, as he conveniently steps out of the season to have surgery on his ankle. The crux of this little ESPN tidbit lies in the following:

The Knicks -- who have made it clear the surgery was Marbury's choice -- said it was successful.

Wow, even this guy's own hopelessly mismanaged team doesn't buy his garbage any more. This season, Marbury has been averaging a career low of 13.6 points per game (I'm pretty sure that's what I averaged my junior year of high school)... am I really to believe that he genuinely needs this surgery? No way. Opting to have season-ending surgery? No athlete does that. He's just mad because Coach doesn't like him and he doesn't get to score enough, and now he's running away like the whiny brat he is. What a loser. He's one step above the nerdy, asthmatic kid who fakes injuries to get out of gym class. Actually, make that one step below, because we all know that that "nerdy" kid is the one who holds the key to the hot-but-secretly-deep popular girl's heart and will ultimately win her away from her arrogant jock boyfriend (who will most likely end up with tomato sauce or something spilled on him at some point). Advantage: nerd.

I swear I wrote this post because I thought it would be of general interest, and NOT because I feel the need to hate on teams from New York.

Oh this is just awesome

2008-02-07T12:50:00.000-05:00

Ha! It seems that Topps, maker of baseball cards since back when people actually collected baseball cards, has decided to include a little extra incentive for collectors in the new packs they're releasing next week. 1 in every 70 packs will include a card with former NYC mayor/failed presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani celebrating the Red Sox' 2007 World Series win with the team. (Sorry, that picture quality is kind of crappy, but it's the best I could find.)

Apparently, the card was designed in response to a comment Giuliani made earlier this year: when asked who he was pulling for in the World Series, Giuliani answered that he was supporting the Red Sox because he's "an American League fan." Needless to say, this alienated many Yankees fans (and possibly Mets fans)... and quite frankly confuses the hell out of me. Who gets chauvinistic about their league or conference? I think it's pretty standard practice to root AGAINST whatever team from your conference/league/division/intergalactic space alliance makes it to the playoffs, since their winning a playoffs berth would presumably have excluded your team from doing so at some point along the way. Sure, I pull for the AL during the All-Star game, but only because it may eventually benefit my team for the AL to have won (and because Magglio Ordonez fills me with indescribable joy).

GO EASTERN CONFERENCE! BEAT THOSE WESTERN CONFERENCE SUCKERS!

Nah, it just doesn't get me all that fired up.

I think Rudy is mixing baseball up with politics. In a presidential election, of course, it makes sense that even if the candidate you vote for in the primaries doesn't win the party nomination, you'll still probably vote where your party loyalties lie. Somehow, though, I don't see myself ever cheering the Yankees on in the postseason just because my Red Sox didn't make it there.

7 DAYS TILL SPRING TRAINING (kind of) STARTS

2008-02-07T09:47:00.000-05:00

So close I can taste it.

First game of the preseason against a Santana-less Minnesota in less than a month. I cannot wait to see Dice-K pitch this year... I'm predicting that this is the year he comes into his own and OWNS the AL. You read it here first.

A little perspective

2008-02-05T21:34:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been 48 hours, and I've officially passed through the 5 stages of grief in dealing with the New England loss on Sunday.

First, we had denial, which Belichick did a splendid job of embodying for me when he ran out on to the field and demanded that :01 be put back on the clock. Whatever. Anger followed quickly, as I stormed home and locked myself in my room while my Manning-loving roommate watched the post-game celebrations in our living room. I ranted. I raved. I wept angry tears. Anger sucks, but it sure feels good.

Bargaining came next. Please, lord, I promise I'll never say another bad word about Tom Coughlin if you promise that I'll never have to see Frank Caliendo's face on television again. Yeah, ok, there's not much to bargain with when the game's already over. Whatever. Depression was the real bitch. I couldn't turn on ESPN or even the local news. I hurt. It hurts to see your team lose. Blech. Now I'm at the good part. Acceptance. This stage was made easier by how doofy and happy Eli Manning looked in the parade photos... and by the fact that I've come to the realization that

*deep breath*

this is better.

[Disclaimer: Extreme histrionics from here on out. If you don't like it, then for pete's sake go read something else.]

Yup. It's better this way. I didn't want to see my team lose, that's for damn sure, but I think this was what needed to happen. The Boston fan base has become so bloated, so full of itself, so entitled, so Jabba-the-Hutt-like in its own crapulence and demand for adulation that SOMETHING had to give in order to bring things around here back to something approximating normality. It's been a spectacular year to be a Boston fan: the Red Sox parlaying an inspired season into a dominant post-season performance and a world title, the rebirth of the Celtics as a team to be feared, the arrival of Randy Moss, and, of course, the Patriots' perfect season. (The Bruins are boasting some pretty damn impressive goaltending right now, too.) When I think back on it, though, there's one era in memory that this one simply can't compare to. Ready?

The fall of 2001.

Oh god. The Red Sox had spent yet another season squandering the brilliance of Pedro Martinez and then-It Boy Nomar Garciaparra. Our beloved quarterback -- he who had fought through so many injuries in seasons past -- was sidelined for what looked likely to be the entire season. Many loyal Bostonians had spent the hockey season prior secretly cheering for the Avalanche because we wanted so badly to see Ray Bourque win a Stanley Cup before he retired. The Celtics hadn't been to the playoffs for the better part of a decade, and no one was sure if Paul Pierce was ever going to recover fully after his near-fatal stabbing the year before. That year, we had to bring in current events stories that interested us for my world history class every Friday. I got in trouble for always bringing in sports articles. (My response? "But you said to bring an article that we CARED about!") That was the year that I, like many other born-and-raised Boston teens surely did, wrote my college essays about how proud I was to be a Boston fan. Loyalty. Optimism. Faith. Perseverance. As ridiculous and over-the-top as it may sound (cut me some slack, it was a college essay and I was 17), I believed then, as I believe now, that there was something special about choosing to wear my love for my teams on my sleeve. I lived to see Pedro throw strikes. I cheered myself hoarse when I went to games at the Garden (I NEVER called it the Fleet Center).

I'm not proud to be a Boston fan any more.

Things changed when we won that Superbowl in 2002. It was a phenomenal feeling, to be sure, but it heralded the arrival of a whole new culture of Pats fandom. Almost 3 years later, when we won the Series, I distinctly remember what it felt like to wake up the next day. I felt different. I knew there was something different about being a Boston fan. It didn't feel like I was carrying my hope inside me like a sputtering little flame it was my job never to let die. I didn't need to hope any more. I had what I'd been waiting for my whole life. I was thrilled, but something was gone.

Sometime amid the orgy of this year -- of a giddying second World Series win followed immediately by the arrival of the greatest regular season in the history of football -- it started sucking to be a Pats fan. When I used to tell people that I was a Boston fan, it was accompanied by a shrug, a "what are you gonna do" roll of the eyes, a little flicker of pride inside me that I was asserting my love for a big bunch of losers despite their loserdom. This year, it was always immediately followed by some sort of apologia: I'm not one of THOSE fans. I liked them BEFORE they started winning. I actually KNOW sports. I can NAME a player other than Papelbon. Oh, you don't want to hear me talk about my team? Well, that sucks, because I freaking LOVE talking Boston sports, but honestly, buddy, I don't blame you. Hey, uh, how about that crazy Britney Spears, huh?

It's a natural part of the life of a fan base to swell and decline with victories, losses, exciting trades, idiotic front office decisions, and all of the other things that professional sports franchises undergo. But it's not natural for a fan base to keep building and growing, tumor-like, fueled by victory after exhilarating victory until it forgets what it's like to experience sports for the sake of sports rather than for the sake of winning. The shouting hooligans that turned a truck over on the street outside my apartment the night the Red Sox won the Series this year were not the fans I grew up with. As it turned out, they were the same fans who erupted in terrifying violence against the few Giants fans in the bar I was out this past Sunday -- cursing, screaming, smashing bottles, and throwing punches while they chanted "YANKEES SUCK!" at the top of their drunken lungs. I don't LIKE having to be escorted out by policemen in riot gear. That's not football. That's BULLSHIT.

Remember what it was like a few years ago when the Yankees won all those titles? God, Yankees fans were obnoxious. They cropped up everywhere -- half of them probably wouldn't know a ground-rule double if it bit them in the ass -- chanting "1918" and annoying the everloving hell out of everyone around them. The Yankees were an incredible team under the leadership of an incredible skipper, and it was simply impossible to respect them because their fans acted so gloatingly ENTITLED to every victory their team earned them. Like they, not Aaron Boone, had hit that damn home run. And, as much as I hate a) any comparison with New York and b) pointless comparisons between different teams *cough BILL SIMMONS cough*, it's pretty obvious what the parallel (it's a slim one, but bear with me) is here: Yes, my beloved Patriots were one Superbowl victory away from cementing their status as the Yankees of the NFL. The team everyone loves to hate. The team that simply became too synonymous with its leering fans. A fate I never want to befall one of MY teams.

And I'm glad we're not there. I'm not glad we lost the Superbowl. But I hope this means the end of this particular epoch in Boston fandom, and a return to an atmosphere in which I can talk sports with anyone and not have to apologize for my loyalties. Because dammit, I love sports, and I love my teams, and I don't like assholes.

I don't want to have to go another 86 years without a World Series, though.

A sight for sore eyes

2008-02-04T22:40:00.000-05:00

Mmm. There we go. All better now.

Here's my beloved signing autographs and flashing his sexiest smile at the Cardinals' Winter Warm-up... and reminding me not to despair, because (as the lovely Smurphette also pointed out) pitchers and catchers report for spring training in exactly 10 days, 13 hours, 18 minutes, and 34 seconds. (33... 32... 31...) The long, bleak stretch between the NFL and MLB seasons is upon us, but at least sexy Rick's smile will help pull me through.

Also, the Beanpot is on. BC and BU are tied 3-3 with 2:28 left in the third period... what a game! (Harvard beat Northeastern earlier, but both of those teams are significantly less dominant, so whoever wins this BC/BU game will most likely take the tournament in the finals next Monday.) Not gonna lie, I love me some BU hockey, so go Terriers! True story: my brother and I went to the first game at the new Agannis Arena when it opened (BU/UNH), and Mike FREAKING Eruzione was in front of me in line to get food. Pretty sweet.

Thank god for good, local college hockey right now, because I absolutely can't flip to any national sports channels. NESN pretty much makes a business of ignoring the football season entirely, so I'm safe as long as I stay here (and keep browsing the MLB.com photo galleries. Chris Carpenter's new facial hair? Dig it).

Update: BC wound up winning 4-3 in overtime. This is the first time in 14 years that BU hasn't appeared in the Beanpot finals, and will also be the first time this BC senior class has been to the Beanpot, so that's fun for them.

Can someone fill me in?

2008-02-04T07:52:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I ran out to do some errands and missed the end of the game last night. What happened, exactly? The Pats won, right?

Jerramy Stevens: Asshole -- or, Jerramy Stevens' Asshole

2008-02-01T22:33:00.000-05:00

I've been reading the unbelievably sordid tale of the 2000 Washington Huskies (I've noted elsewhere that I hate the Huskies, but that has nothing to do with this) from the Seattle Times. It's a great piece of journalism: comprehensive, thorough, well-researched, and an absolutely devastating indictment of the way NCAA sports delirium can subvert all common notions of decency.

One of the more brutal tales is that of Jerramy Stevens (who, let's not lie, everyone already knew was a complete piece of garbage). In the article, we are given the story of Marie, a 19-year-old who was drugged, raped, and sodomized by Stevens in the dirt outside a frat house. Stevens later assured her he had only walked her home and kissed her goodnight... it took a trip to the emergency room for Marie to learn the truth.

It was deeply gratifying, after reading this, to click my way over to Stevens' Wikipedia entry and find that some clever wiki guerilla had amended Stevens' bio thus:

Jerramy Stevens (born November 13, 1979 in Boise, Idaho) is a National Football League tight end playing for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He was signed April 29th as a free agent with the Buccaneers. Stevens played college football at the University of Washington. He currently lives in Bellevue, Washington and loves receiving anal sex.

I'm sure that will be taken down soon, but, thankfully, it now has a permanent home here. Read it. Savor it. And to you, Anonymous Wreaker of Poetic Wikipedia Justice: I salute you.

The Superbowl is here!

2008-02-01T18:07:00.001-05:00

And here you thought you had to wait until Sunday.

This series of videos portrays the Vikings/Patriots Superbowl that might have been. It was put together by two little kids (big Vikes fans, clearly), and I've got to hand it to them: this is a nicely-done piece of cinematography. They have a coin toss, sponsorship (in the form of an Aquafina bottle and a Starbucks mug flanking the stadium), commentary that is surely more riveting than any of the drivel Fox Sports will serve up, and, of course, a game-winning TD by the one and only Adrian Peterson. There are eight clips, but they aren't labeled very clearly, so I took the liberty of neatly hyperlinking them in order (clip #1 is above). Enjoy.

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

and the thrilling conclusion...

Part 8

While you're enjoying that, I'm curled up on my couch eating organic cookies and watching D2 on demand. God, I'm a sucker for that scene when Joshua Jackson goes out on his rollerblades with the duck whistle and rounds up all the Ducks. Chills up the spine. Every damn time. THE QUACK ATTACK IS BACK, JACK!

Seriously now?

2008-01-31T16:14:00.000-05:00

Nope, this has absolutely nothing to do with sports. Call it "found art:" an object of incredible beauty I was fortunate enough to stumble upon in the course of my daily cyber-meanderings.

The back story: I ordered a pair of totally amazing boots that are both cute AND practical (and make julienned fries) from Zappos and was all set to receive them today. Sadly, when I went to track my package (heh), I discovered that UPS' attempt at delivery had been fruitless, as no one was at my apartment to sign for the package (heh). Determined to get a hold of said boots before soul/funk night tonight, I called UPS and asked if there was any way I could come pick up my boots this evening. (UPS was very nice, by the way.) I was informed that, yes, should I desire, I was welcome to come by the Watertown UPS office after work. Lovely.

Here's where a totally innocent web query turned insane.

I typed "watertown ups" into my search engine and turned up a relatively innocuous-looking site with directions, maps, and reviews of local merchants. I jotted down the address... then, suddenly, the "reviews" of this particular UPS facility caught my eye.

The first was a scathing indictment of UPS' apparently questionable business practices:

Horrendous service and cheats

This store overcharges and cheats. They quote one price and then charge more when the work is done. UPS Store on Main St in Watertown MA is one I would recommend folks to stay away from.

December 23, 2007 by Why

Yikes! Given that I had only moments before had a very pleasant experience with UPS, I took this review with a grain of salt. Moreover, I'm fairly certain that UPS pricing and service charges are set by the corporate office, making it unlikely that "UPS Store on Main St in Watertown MA" should be accounted the culprit for this particular customer's shipping-related quarrel.

It got weirder:

LONELY

I need to come clean about a review I recently send to this site.I need to apologize for comments I made about a UPS driver. U see, I'm a woman that was DUMPED by my husband for this girl and I felt the only thing Ican do was try to distroy her any way I could to get him back. I HAVE FAILED. I HAVE LOST AGAIN

September 15, 2007 by anonimous

Ok, I'm sorry... is this a review for a UPS store, or an errant "missed connection" posting from Craigslist? Am I to understand that this woman, this "anonimous," chose to take revenge on her ex-husband's new lover by "anonimously" sabotaging said lover's burgeoning career as a UPS driver?

It's the final sentences -- those chilling, bitter, all-caps cries of loss and failure -- that really touched my heart.

And finally, we move from the poignant to the bizarre:

I Basically Have a Complaint

Your office quite a few years ago hired a driver by the name of Maria Benitez who said she had a GED with out verifying that the GED was in fact a fake GED. Maria Benitez is in fact a dropp out of Madison Park High School and if nothing is done out of this, I will take this matter further than what you can imagine. These documents should be verified for accuracy and this one was not.

February 07, 2007 by Unnonimous

First, the title: a punchy, declamatory statement of the author's intent (basically). Succinct and lovely. From this opening confrontation we move, at breathtaking speed, into the vicious accusation: A high school dropout! From Madison Park, no less -- just blocks away from my office in Roxbury. The horror! We are not yet done, however, as we then encounter the THREAT: Further. Than. What. You. Can. Imagine. I see those words flying towards me in the preview for a summer blockbuster. Perhaps "The Fantastic Four 3: The Rogue Delivery Woman." Tagline: "What can Brown do for YOU, bitch?"

Is it possible that this posting constitutes the "comments" that our friend "anonimous" is now regretting she so hastily made? Perhaps not, as this "Unnonimous" appears to have taken a different approach to misspelling that blanketer of online offenses, "anonymous." To be honest, I think I prefer "unnonimous" to "anonimous," as the former implies not merely a lack of nomenclature (as does the wimpier prefix "a-"), but rather a deliberate shunning, DEFIANCE even, of names per se. "Unnonimous" is a strong, cunning woman, determined to bring down this interloping wench and destroy her chances at happiness. "anonimous," lacking even the gumption to capitalize her own name, is but a broken shell of that first woman, drowning in her feelings of remorse and desperate, desperate loneliness.

In conclusion: hooray for my new boots!

P.S. Here's a sports tip to keep your appetite whetted for Sunday: Try saying R.W. McQuarters' name with a thick Irish brogue. Make it as jaunty as possible. This amuses my brother and me for hours.

Jeff Feagles has a nice ass

2008-01-30T23:05:00.001-05:00

Heh. This video is humorous because it could potentially lead one to infer that one man has a homosexual crush on another, as evidenced by his clear familiarity with/admiration of the other man's gluteal region.

Funnier by far, however, are the comments on the actual YouTube page. God, and I thought the mouth-breathing troglodytes that comment on the FanHouse blogs were bad? I forgot that YouTube is the ultimate common denominator of websites. Some highlights:

take plaxico buress, ammani toomer, and micheal stratain out o fthe giants and u have a whole different team

Funny. I would have assumed that a legitimate football fan would actually know how to spell the names of the players they were talking about. Not nailing Umenyiora or Houshmandzadeh on the first try is one thing... but failing to spell Michael correctly? That makes baby jesus cry. Then, of course, there's:

do you actually whatch football?? the ravens stoped them on 4th down but the dumb ass coach called a time out.they had the game won.learn your facts first

Learn your spelling first, sir. Then concern yourself with the facts. And finally, we have my favorite:

drakebellrocks12345 (3 days ago)
uhh..... fuckhead, he is hes going to wine when he gets his ass kicked by the patoriots ohh and drake bell is my brother. thats why my accounts name is drake bell you fucker. and about that game bing unfair watch that game at least 2-3 times and you will see that the refs were unfair. i hate saying this but go pats

A quick Google search would suggest that this young man is claiming to be the brother of this Drake Bell, some sort of manufactured Hannah Montana-type entertainer about whom I might know/care if I were 12 years old and still thought body glitter was the ultimate in sophisticated fashion statements . Somehow, I'm not convinced that being a member of the immediate family of some such underage hack entitles one to dole out poorly-spelled and ill-researched football prognostications. The Patriots do not need or want your support, Mr. Bell. Go watch "10 Items or Less" or whatever it is people as dumb as you do in your free time.

All this being said, I'll clearly morph into a complete dipshit the minute I pull on my Brady jersey and hit the streets this Sunday. Perhaps I should withhold judgment.

Getting ready for the game, Simpsons-style

2008-01-29T12:29:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that I am Matt Groening's bitch. My family has Simpsons quote-offs whenever we're in the car together (my brother and father both do a mean Frink) and I've watched at least part of the Futurama movie pretty much every day since it came out. Thus, I was absolutely thrilled to find my way back to this old post on 82 Sluggo Win. (82 Sluggo Win, incidentally, is a bitchin' blog for Trojans fans like me and Mommy dearest.) It's a guide, and a brilliant, well-researched one at that, to properly invoking the words of The Simpsons during football playoffs -- yes, it's designed for the college bowl season, but I think you'll find it's readily adaptable to the Superbowl. Just replace "Lee Corso" with "Joe Buck," "Jeff Bowden" with "Tom Coughlin," and "Detroit" with "godforsaken desert wasteland."

"Rargh, my groin!"

There are no words

2008-01-27T19:32:00.001-05:00

If you can make it all the way through this video without collapsing on the floor as you choke from trying to hold back the bile rising in your throat, congratulations. Some weirdo Giants fan (a dude, no less) made this Eli Manning video, which is eerily reminiscent of the kind of thing you'd expect to see when a high schooler dies and they play a tribute to them at graduation or something. Seriously, who the hell puts together a football video to the tune of "Time After Time"? You'd expect "Eye of the Tiger" or "Welcome to the Jungle" or something, I don't know, MANLY. Not an end-of-the-wedding-reception slow dance number. If you can manage to sift through the treacly, simpering affection for Manning and the overload of video special effects -- it's like watching the opening graphics for Sunday Night Football for 4 minutes straight -- there's a particularly hilarious shirtless photo of Eli at around 2:19. He seriously looks like a 12-year-old kid.

What's so funny is that, as stupid as this video is, the overall aesthetic of it seems perfectly suited to Eli Manning. I wouldn't be surprised if he commissioned it himself. "Oh, dude, can you use that Cindy Lauper song? The one they dance to in Napoleon Dynamite? Man, I love that movie. It really reminds me of my own life experience as an awkward, skinny high-schooler. Plus, remember that part when the guy says "quesadilla," but he says it funny? Haha. I love that part."

Slumpbusting!

2008-01-24T13:34:00.000-05:00

Holy crap. It's been 17 days since I posted something about baseball.

Well, the dry spell is over, since this story is just TOO absurd to pass up.

According to the New York Times (which means I get to treat this story as credible, even though the tip comes from an anonymous, unverified source), former baseball player/grade-A assmunch Jose Canseco attempted to blackmail AL batting champ Magglio Ordonez (feel free to draw in the little squiggly above the n) by demanding that Magglio invest in an upcoming film venture in exchange for having his name left out of Canseco's new book, "Vindicated."

I love Magglio's response to the whole thing:

“I didn’t want to press charges against him,” Ordóñez said. “I don’t want any problems. He is probably desperate for money. I don’t understand why he is trying to put people down.”

What a heady mix of compassion and disdain. Like a wealthy socialite dropping a $20 in a hobo's cup. Like Matt Lauer interviewing Britney Spears. Like Tom Brady writing his child support checks to Bridget Moynahan.

Canseco also tried to blackmail Magglio's agent, the irrepressible Scott Boras. God, what a moron. Boras might just be the craftiest sonofabitch in America. Bud Selig is afraid of him. Does Canseco really believe that he and his big fat head and his clumsy attempts to tarnish the reputations of other, better athletes are going to pull one over on Boras?

I could hate on Jose Canseco all day.

In other news, I finally went to my first Celtics game of the season last night, only to watch my boys drop a heated contest to the Raptors, 114-112. I've got to admit, though: much as I like to hate on bandwagon fans, it's fun to go to the Garden for a game and have it feel alive again. Good times were had by all. Also, I'll never quite get over the way everyone goes nuts every time Brian Scalabrine sinks a 2-pointer or does something else fairly unremarkable that any professional basketball player should be able to do. I guess The Onion was on to something...

New York, I love you, but you're bringing me down

2008-01-23T16:59:00.001-05:00

Yes! I love when I get to make hipster music references and talk about sports in the same breath (note the title of this blog).

Some New York radio station is marketing these as a sure-fire way to ensure that the Patriots fold to the Giants in the Superbowl:

That creepy visage is none other than Brady baby mama/goalie-puller extraordinaire Bridget Moynahan. Wow. I guess we might as well call the game off at this point... clearly a bunch of clumsily-fashioned paper masks (I have visions of Giants fans somehow managing to cut themselves with those Crayola safety-blade scissors that preschoolers use) are the ticket to stopping the undefeated offensive juggernaut that is the 2007 New England Patriots. We have a winner, folks.

Didn't someone already try this with Jessica Simpson masks to bring down Babyface Romo? (Ah, crap... maybe there is something to this after all...)

Just kidding. If you'll excuse me, I have to go order the kegs for my Superbowl party -- one for during the game, one for the celebration afterwards.

A few matters of business

2008-01-23T00:09:00.000-05:00

List of things to do tomorrow:

1. Find and kill everyone responsible for "Meet the Spartans."

That is all.

The Giants/Packers Drinking Game

2008-01-20T19:57:00.000-05:00

So in the off-chance that you're glancing at this during the Giants/Packers halftime, here's a suggestion to liven up the second half: The NFC Championship Drinking Game. The rules are fairly simple. All you have to do is take a sip of your libation of choice -- be it a delicious Harpoon Winter (mmm), a cup of hot chocolate (for the younger folks), your cosmo with a twist (Jeff Garcia), or the bitter tears of your own failure and shame (Peyton Manning) -- every time:

Troy Aikman reminds you how cold it is in Green Bay.
FOX shows footage from old Packers games.
you find yourself applauding Eli Manning for executing a play that any professional quarterback should be able to... somehow it's more impressive when you don't expect it.
Tom Coughlin's face looks even more purple than it did 5 seconds ago.
Eli gets caught in the the pocket, yet still manages to avoid the sack.
Plaxico Burress and Al Harris get in a fight.
you inadvertently laugh when one of the announcers says "Hedgecock" (ah crap, I just laughed typing that).
Brandon Jacobs gets taken down at the line of scrimmage.
Eli Manning's chinstrap looks uncomfortably tight to you.
Brett Favre shows grit and hustle, and you irrationally detest him for doing so.

That's what I got for now. Savor this day... there's only one more football game to watch after this, and then it's a long cold couple of months until baseball season (FINALLY) starts.

Oh yeah, there was another game today too, right? Who won that again?

Ok, now the fun stuff

2008-01-17T16:35:00.001-05:00

Right. I hate to be rant-y without providing a little something to make it go down easier. This guy is (facking) hilarious -- he's been posting these "Fitzy's Wicked Pissah" webcasts all season, and while I'm pretty sure he's not actually from Boston, he pretty much nails the way most of my male acquaintances round these parts talk about football. Enjoy.

Climbing back on the soapbox... just for a minute

2008-01-17T15:59:00.000-05:00

So I've already stated where I stand on Kelly Tilghman's comment about lynching Tiger Woods (not that anybody cares what I think, nor should they). No, she did not intend harm with her comment -- in fact, it was made in the context of complimenting Tiger on his dominance of modern golf. Nevertheless, her comment displayed an ignorance and insensitivity that simply does not belong on a national news forum (I know, I know, no one actually watches the Golf Network... I'm making a point here, sir). I think the consequences she faced were necessary and appropriate, and I think it's very important for media outlets (even stuffy, boring ones like the Golf Network) to adopt a no-tolerance policy towards offensive comments and behavior.

Apparently, Golfweek disagrees with me -- or, at the very least, they're missing the point. Here is the cover of the January 19th issue of Golfweek:

Ah yes. Let us fail to internalize the fundamental message behind the Tilghman affair, which is simply this: the language and symbolism of nooses and hanging are loaded with bitter memories and linked to decades of hatred, and thus should be treated with extreme caution. Moreover, let us refuse to let an issue be resolved and let a chastened reporter get on with her life and her career. Let us, instead, put an image of a noose on our front cover; let us continue to drag this story out; let us display a deliberate callousness towards those who have been hurt by this unfortunate incident (most directly, Kelly Tilghman and Tiger Woods).

(At least, that's how I imagine the editors of a magazine like Golfweek must sound.)

This, however, is what really caught my attention:

In the magazine's news story, noted sociologist Harry Edwards, said the public should accept Tilghman's apology.
"If we stopped the train every time somebody made a dumb remark that is potentially offensive," he is quoted as saying, "we'd never progress as a society."

Really? Because to be perfectly honest, I actually think that what keeps us from progressing as a society is that people continue to tolerate "borderline" remarks and attitudes that seem innocuous enough that people fail to realize that their existence is actually symptomatic of the much uglier truth that real racism and sexism exists in pure, unadulterated form in many regions of the country. Like the guy who tried to strike up a conversation with me while we were waiting for the T in East Boston the other day about how many "fucking Spanish people" there were around us. (I'm Latina, dude.)

So, while I certainly feel for Kelly Tilghman and agree with Edwards' assertion that she should be forgiven, I also think it's very important that the "train be stopped" in situations like this so that we can all take a moment to reassess our own values and acknowledge that the battle against prejudice is never truly won.

Would you convict this man?

2008-01-17T11:40:00.000-05:00

It's always fun to hop on over to the other side of the pond for a look at what batshit things the hooligans associated with soccer (or "football," as I believe they call it over there) are doing. This little gem in the Daily Mail was just what I needed to cleanse my palette of that ugly Randy-Moss-restraining-order aftertaste. A couple of weeks ago, footballer Bob Malcolm parked his Range Rover smack in the middle of a British highway -- perpendicular to traffic, mind you, so he was across both the middle and the fast lines -- and decided to take a nap. Naturally, he was arrested and taken to court (or "the loo," as I believe they call it over there). His excuse?

Malcolm, who has played three times for Scotland, added: "I would also like to stress that at the time of the incident, I was not driving my car... I had pulled over to the side of the road and was sleeping."

Oh, right, ok. As long as you weren't doing something crazy like DRIVING on the highway, I guess we're good. Thank heaven we cleared that up.

Oh, but it doesn't stop there:

Writing on QPR's website the day after his arrest, he confessed: "I want to apologise to all the supporters and in particular the young fans.
"I recognise that footballers are role models and that, as such, they should set a positive example. On this occasion, I have failed to do that.
"But I must say that I was very upset and frustrated with the poor performance of the referee in our match at Plymouth the evening before."

Well then. As with the Celtics loss to the Bobcats the other night; as with the Patriots almost losing to the Colts earlier this year; as with the Padres being eliminated from playoff contention: blame it on crappy officiating. It seems that we Americans have something in common with our British counterparts after all. Yes, Virginia, it's always the referee's fault.

LeBron James: Atomic Superman

2008-01-16T09:53:00.001-05:00

It's not exactly news that LeBron James is really, really, nasty good at basketball. But holy crap, the man scored 51 points in an overtime win against Memphis last night. The game, which marks the 4th time in his already-illustrious career that LeBron has scored 50 or more in a game, included a 25-POINT 4TH QUARTER. Um, that's ridiculous.

He's really showing us what a man with a cannon in his chest can do!

Incidentally, over those 4 times that LeBron has scored 50 or more, Cleveland's record is only 2-2. What a freaking waste. It's got to be a frustrating feeling to score 50-something points in a game knowing that the rest of your lame team can't even get it together to help you win. Kind of like how Erik Bedard feels every time he pitches, I'll bet.

(sorry, John... I try to keep the Cleveland-hating to a minimum)

Please don't read my blog if you are this dumb

2008-01-15T14:48:00.001-05:00

To quote an email I received in response to my admittedly (and deliberately) over-the-top Patriots lovefest post from Sunday:

Videogate? ... Antonio Gates?... hmm actually I prefer Mangenius!!!

Guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (slams self in head repeatedly with stapler)

The ham-handed juxtaposition of "-gate" and "Gates"... the terrible pun on Mangini's name (like there's not already a better and more accurate pun to be made there)... the triple exclamation point... the sheer and utter ignorance involved in asserting the superiority of the Jets... this literally hurts my face to look at. Yeah, sure, I'll take the 4-12 Jets over the Patriots or the Chargers. And "Mangenius"? I think not. I don't know who you are, dude, but seriously... please don't email me ever again.

Fun with ESPN headlines

2008-01-15T13:49:00.001-05:00

So, the sad part of the story first: Back in November, former Oakland A's pitcher Joe Kennedy died unexpectedly -- and tragically -- when he collapsed at his in-laws' home. It came out today that he apparently suffered from hypertensive heart disease, a condition in which the walls of the heart harden and thus slow or even stop the heart. Kennedy was only 28, and left behind a 1-year-old son. Yeah, there's nothing funny about that.

There is, however, something funny about the ESPN.com front-page headline regarding this story:

Ex-pitcher Kennedy died of heart disease

Maybe it's just that I have a macabre sense of humor, but... referring to a dead pitcher as an "ex-pitcher"? I couldn't help but think of that Monty Python sketch where the guy tries to return a dead parrot to a pet store to no avail, and ends by screeching out "THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!" And, upon reflection, I'm pretty sure this is the mental connection I was supposed to make.

My first thought was that they referred to Kennedy that way because he was done pitching, but Toronto apparently had plans to include him on the roster for the 2008 season (which is still so very, very far away). So now I'm pretty sure that some nerdy, copy-writing intern at ESPN was just being a smart-ass and thought he could sneak this by everyone. Well, junior, you've got to get up pretty early in the morning to sneak one by this girl.

'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory!

The Celtics need a boost

2008-01-15T12:11:00.001-05:00

Obviously, our record is still out-of-this-world good. (30-6? Yeah, I'll take it. The only team even close to that is the red-hot Pistons, who are 28-10.) Still, dropping two in a row to the Gilbert Arenas-less Wizards? I don't like it. Antawn Jamison put together a neat little double-double last night, and the Big Three just didn't have any backup from the rest of their team. Boo.

In order to show my support for the home team (incidentally, I've been a Celtics fan my whole life. Before this year. Before we got good. Back when Antoine Walker was a big deal around these parts.), I decided to invest in this:

8-game win streak, here we come.

On another note, I'd be worried if I were Agent Zero right now. Washington is on a tear without him... rumor has it team chemistry is actually better without his showboating personality and locker-room antics. Too bad.

Magnanimous in victory! Pfft nah just kidding

2008-01-13T18:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was awesome.

David Garrard and his Jaguars put up a decent fight, but we prevailed. And thank god, too. It's been painfully obvious since we almost blew it against the Eagles in Week 12 that we have no defense to speak of -- sure, we'll turn a great play every now and again, but we're simply not a physical presence that can shut down a rushing play, and we're practically a nonentity inside the red zone. Our defense looked weak against Jacksonville and got scrappy and desperate as a result. I've never seen so many damn unnecessary roughness calls in my life. Plus, giving away an 88-yard scoring drive followed by a 95-yard one? That shouldn't happen.

Thank god for Moss and Welker. Ben Watson was clutch too. We might not have much of a defense, but holy CRAP no one has an offense like we do. And forget that old saw about the best offense being a good defense, because defense doesn't win Superbowls. Just ask Lovie Smith.

You know who DOES win Superbowls?

TOM FUCKING BRADY.

flkjal;kfnl;kahgtiovyuweoinuois;fjclksfna;lekjbv;toi2u3'p[

My hand in marriage and a dowry consisting of several fine milk cows and a chest of hand-sewn linens to the gentleman (or lady; it's Massachusetts, so we can do that now) who can provide me with tickets to the game next week.

GO PATRIOTS

2008-01-11T17:06:00.000-05:00

Welp, it's Friday afternoon. Time to go bowling, have a beer, and count down the hours until my Patriots take the field. Until then:

GO PATS
MAKE ME PROUD
AND THEREBY GIVE ME LICENSE TO BE EVEN MORE OBNOXIOUS THAN I ALREADY AM

love,
Raquel

Farewell to a true badass

2008-01-10T22:09:00.000-05:00

Sir Edmund Hillary, lifelong adventurer and conquerer of Mount Everest, died today.

Born the son of a humble family in New Zealand, Hillary loved mountains his whole life. He was notoriously aggressive when climbing, determined to outshine his companions while also pushing himself to the absolute limits of his physical capability.

Mankind as a whole has accomplished incredible things in the decades since Hillary's historic climb, and generations of sports fans have been privileged to witness some truly phenomenal accomplishments on the fields of the myriad games that captivate us. But when it comes right down to it, there's nothing quite so impressive as a man with a pickax and some biscuits (god it took me like 5 tries to get that word spelled right) in his pocket pitting himself against the world's highest and deadliest peak for the sheer thrill of it. RIP, Sir Edmund.

I just don't get it

2008-01-10T15:43:00.000-05:00

Ok, enough proselytizing for the day. Time for something funny/stupid... and, as always, one need look no further than insane college sports fans to provide that something. A graduate of the University of Washington school of law has apparently pledged to donate $200,000 to the school -- if, and only if, football coach Ty Willingham and AD Todd Turner are fired.

Among the many e-mails and letters received by the University of Washington regarding the football program and coach Ty Willingham, there are the usual: words of praise, derision, encouragement, urgency.

And then there was this: an offer by a Huskies alum to donate $100,000 to a Washington law school scholarship if Willingham were fired, and another $100,000 if Todd Turner were fired as athletic director.

The Huskies went 4-9 this year in a season when the Pac-10 was pretty much anyone's conference, so I guess I can understand being upset... but, seriously, dude? Denying some aspiring young lawyer the opportunity to earn a scholarship just because you're pissed off about your football team sucking? What planet does that make sense on? Is that even legal? (See, maybe if that scholarship fund were there, I could go to law school and figure out the answer to that question. But now I'll never have that opportunity. Damn you, Ed Hansen, wherever you are!)

I'm sure that I would understand this more if I had gone to a real sports school as opposed to a bucolic Ivy League institution where more people showed up to hear Don DeLillo read from his new book than attended every single football game combined. (Note: I'm not actually sure this is true, but I can tell you that I went to see DeLillo, and only attended one football game the entire 4 years I was at Princeton -- and tickets were FREE.) I just can never quite fathom the mentality of fanatical NCAA fandom.

(said the girl with a Red Sox bellybutton ring)

Also, I hate the Huskies for one reason alone: my ex-boyfriend had this Huskies hat that he always wore for no reason whatsoever. So I hate them. Stupid Huskies.

Sports are boring

2008-01-09T21:56:00.000-05:00

See, this is why I hate the baseball offseason. Every once in a while, there's just NOTHING going on in sports for me to care about. Seriously, I could have written a sports digest for the day without even turning on the TV. The stories are just so predictable: Roger Clemens is dragging his feet on testifying about his steroid use. Paul Spicer said some boneheaded things and the Patriots are mad. People are mad about the BCS system and demanding that it be changed. T. O. is a huge bitch. Blah blah blah.

You can tell even ESPN is bored:

You know what the numbers mean even without the names attached: 100, .406, 2,003, 1.12.
Now we can add Tom Brady's 50 touchdown passes. Athletes talk about playing in a zone -- Brady was there for an entire season, which is why we add his name to our list of 25 greatest individual seasons in sports history:

Yeah, this is what sportswriters do when there's nothing else going on. They make lists and give them ridiculous titles like "The 25 Greatest Individual Seasons Ever" to lend them a sense of portent when the bottom line is that they're just subjective lists that don't make a hoot of difference to anyone or anything. If I wanted senseless, retroactive list-making, I'd watch me some gat damn VH1 (Top 10 Celebrity Meltdowns! The 50 Hottest Bodies -- Part 2!) Come on, sports. I want drama. I want hockey outside. I want intern scandals. I WANT DONTRELLE WILLIS.

Ok, fine, maybe I'm just ornery because Jason Richardson just freaking TORE UP the Celtics. The officiating sucked, and we didn't have Ray Allen to do this, and it's just not fair, and I don't WANT to have to wait until Saturday to watch the Patriots crush Jacksonville like leetle ants (it's more fun if you say those last 7 words with a thick Russian accent).

K I'm done now.

Also: do NOT Google Image-search "bored" without your SafeSearch on. You've been warned.

Who says true love doesn't exist?

2008-01-08T16:35:00.000-05:00

Just look how happy Tigers QB Matt Flynn is with the BCS trophy. The passionate kiss... the confetti raining down on the happy couple... this could be the ending scene from a crappy teen romance.

OSU, of course, played the part of the bitchy girlfriend who the hot-but-secretly-sensitive jock-type dumps when he realizes that he actually loves the quirky-but-beautiful heroine. Honestly, this game felt about as scripted as your typical rom-com anyway.

Hall of Fame voting is in... nope, you didn't make it.

2008-01-08T14:19:00.001-05:00

Unless, that is, you happen to be Rich "Goose" Gossage (if you do happen to be him: congrats). The journeyman fastballer finally managed to secure a spot in Cooperstown after 9 years on the ballot -- he'll be the only player inducted into the HOF this year. Good for him.

Predictably, Mark McGwire did NOT make the cut... in the wake of the Mitchell report brouhaha, he should probably be thankful that he actually still managed to weasel his way to 23.6% of the vote. Don Mattingly scored even lower in the voting. It still surprises me that Mattingly never makes the cut, to be honest. Lord knows I hate the Yankees as much as any red-blooded Sox fan should, but he's Donnie Baseball, for Pete's sake. I understand the arguments about how short his career was, but surely the fact that he was one of the most popular pinstripers of all time while racking up incredible numbers for 5 years (along with a batting title and an AL MVP award) should be taken into account, no?

My favorite part of this year's ballot is the handful of kind-of-good Yankees players who really just got lucky by virtue of playing for a dynastic team at the height of its power languishing down at the bottom with 1 or 2 votes. David Justice. Chuck FREAKING Knoblauch. The only thing Knoblauch was ever good at was having a name that conveniently rhymed with Brian Daubach (remember those days?) and looking kind of like a life-sized Rock 'Em-Sock 'Em Robot.

Oh, Rod Beck is still on the ballot too. Haha. I mean... RIP, dude. I hope they have Amber Bock and deep-fried Oreos in Heaven.

Here ya go.

Why on earth should I care about this?

2008-01-07T14:47:00.001-05:00

So I don't really have any kind of vested interest in the BCS Championship game tonight. I'm watching, yes, and kind of lukewarmly pulling for Ohio because I have a bunch of friends who are Buckeyes fans and none who are Tigers fans.* Also, it's an understatement to call OSU the underdogs here, and I always like upset victories. It seems to me that the only appropriate finale to this bizarre and unpredictable college football season would be for Ohio to beat an SEC team for the championship. So Go Buckeyes! (I guess.)

I did, however, have my less-than-overwhelming desire to see LSU beaten somewhat whetted by this ridiculous fluff piece (double entendre definitely intended) about how much Tigers running back Jacob Hester apparently loves Elvis in the Globe today.

Hester has been to Graceland eight times and gave serious thought to making it nine over the Christmas break.
His favorite thing?
"I guess I'd have to say the cars," reports the senior fullback. "I love 'em all, from the pink Cadillac to the golf cart."
Hester says his wife has indulged him to the point of allowing an entire Elvis room in his house. Hester has all sorts of memorabilia, his favorite a 2-foot bust of The King.
The movies?
He's seen 'em all, his favorite, "Viva Las Vegas," which co-stars the fetching Ann-Margret, and whose title song is one of Elvis's most underrated efforts. "I agree with you," Hester says. "And there are at least five great songs in that movie."

Yes, Jacob Hester is a terrific RB, but do we really need to hear about how much he loves Elvis? (And yes, Hester is 22 and married. With an entire room devoted to Elvis memorabilia in his house. Dear lord I'm glad I don't live in the South.) No one in Boston follows college football to begin with (I personally went to the Princeton-Harvard tailgate this year, but didn't even bother getting a ticket to the game), so why on earth would you use up valuable newspaper space that could be much better expended on yet another "Do you think the Pats will win it all?" or "Should the Sox trade Jacoby Ellsbury?" survey?

It's so sad, yet true: during the baseball offseason, sportswriters in Boston legitimately have no idea what to write about. I have visions of them all locked in a room somewhere in Quincy, drawing hatch marks on the wall and tossing baseballs aimlessly back and forth. At some point today, someone will bust in excitedly, yelling, "Guys! Guys! Something's coming in on the baseball wire!" and everyone will bolt up in anticipation only to have their hopes dashed when it turns out to be something about Ben Broussard.

I feel your pain, guys. Really, I do. But please spare me articles like this. At least give me another photo montage making fun of the Lakers' short-shorts from the other night, or perhaps an attempt to explain why anyone would want to hire Cam Cameron after this season.

* Correction for the sake of factual accuracy: I don't really have any friends.

Hideo Nomo still plays baseball

2008-01-04T15:41:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, I didn't believe it either, but it's true. The 39-year-old righty and former-Asian-sensation-turned-punchline (kind of like Jackie Chan) has signed a minor league deal with the Kansas City Royals (I'm assuming that the Royals themselves qualify as a minor league team) that includes an option to join spring training.

Back in the day, of course, Nomo was brilliant; besides Ichiro, he is really the player responsible for the currently burgeoning trade in young Japanese stars. He's still the only pitcher ever to have tossed a no-hitter at Coors Field, and I think that was before MLB figured out that they needed to humidify the balls (heh) to make the park less hitter-friendly. I still remember his no-hitter against Baltimore for the Sox in 2001... gather round, children, and I will tell you a tale of the Dark Ages, before the 2004 World Series changed everything, when being a Red Sox fan meant grasping at fleeting moments of glory throughout the season with the knowledge that you would ultimately be doomed to yet another agonizing postseason collapse. It was a different time back then, and that no-hitter was the exhilarating kickoff of one of the more painful baseball seasons I can recall. (Sorry to mix sports metaphors.) In some ways, that 2001 season provides the perfect analogy for Nomo's own career: starting out with such promise, but ending in humiliation and defeat. Nomo currently holds the #1 AND #2 spots for Worst Season ERA among pitchers with more than 80 innings pitched in a season since 2004 (8.25 and 7.24 respectively). Brutal.

So good luck, Hideo!

In other news: The Oakland As' fire sale continues, as Nick Swisher gets shipped to the White Sox for 3 minor leaguers. Billy Beane is a smart man and is clearly laying the foundation for a strong team in the years to come, but he better cross his fingers that his entire pitching staff doesn't get injured again this season. True story: I love the A's because I sat behind their bullpen at the first Fenway game I went to this past season, and after the bullpen catcher (a sexy redhead) finished warming up Chad Gaudin, he walked over and handed me the ball. I was as giddy as a 12-year-old. Here's hoping their trades work out for them.

So do we get Santana, or what?

Jose Canseco is a douchebag

2008-01-03T11:22:00.000-05:00

Talk about pleonastic headlines.

This story is about a week old at this point, but I had to say something about it. Apparently, Jose Canseco is planning a sequel to his book "Juiced," in which he revealed the shocking truths that a) sometimes baseball players take steroids, and b) he is a pathetic washed-up ballplayer desperate for one more shot at the limelight. God, there are so many things about this story that piss me off. For one, the idea that Canseco, a man who should have absolutely no credibility in the world of baseball whatsoever, is somehow being led to believe that his word alone is enough to indict other players and call their accomplishments into question. For another thing:

Disappointed by the Mitchell report, Canseco hopes to publish "an unjaundiced view, without the rose-colored glasses" of steroid use in baseball, Saunooke told The Post.

The mangled attempt at figurative language here is slaying me. Are we talking jaundice (condition in which your eyes turn yellow) or rose-colored glasses (presumably pink)? What does this even mean? Moreover:

"The book is basically going to be -- I don't want to say an attack -- but it will be a clarification of why certain names should have been mentioned [in the Mitchell report] that were not mentioned," Saunooke said of the new book. "We had hoped that the Mitchell report would have been more revealing. It basically ended up being nothing more than [Mitchell saying], 'I talked to a lot of people, some people wouldn't talk to me and it's up to the commissioner,'" Saunooke told The Daily News.

So, I'm sorry... Canseco's issue with the Mitchell Report is that it's too honest and doesn't grossly overstep the bounds of its credibility? How dare you create a report in which you merely summarize the facts and cede authority to the acting commissioner of baseball, George Mitchell? Good steroid reports should clearly be a series of exaggerations, accusations, and half-assed attempts to drag others down into the reeking cesspit of failure and self-aggrandizement your own career has become. Conducting objective research is for bitches.

Yep, this story actually has me defending the Mitchell Report. That's how mad it makes me.

It's funny. Ordinarily, I'd feel bad for a guy who went from Rookie of the Year to laughingstock after he blew out his arm PITCHING (of all things) to playing for crappy minor league teams. But seriously, Jose? I hope you die.

Everybody watched the Patriots game

2007-12-31T09:09:00.000-05:00

I don't really understand what TV ratings numbers mean, but apparently a whole lot of people watched the Patriots go 16-0 on Saturday night. Which is great. Let the world fear us. Let them tremble before us. Let them watch in awe as we continue to lay waste to those teams foolish enough to challenge us. Mwah ha ha!

Ahem. Apparently, the game's rating was the highest rating any television program this entire season has obtained. Which makes sense, because there's seriously nothing worth watching on TV right now, especially since "The Office" turned into a boring touchy-feely show about relationships. Guhh. I kind of can't wait for "The Sarah Conner Chronicles," though... is that weird?

Also, according to ESPN.com:

Saturday's game was the first three-way simulcast in league history.

Three-way simulcast, eh? Sounds hot. Like the league maybe had always wanted to try it, was kind of curious (who wouldn't be?), but needed to wait for the right opportunity to come along. Oh, the league might be a little self-conscious about having done it for the next couple of days or so, maybe even regret it a bit, but in the long run the league should feel good that it was able to let its inhibitions down and enjoy something like that. It's ok, league, we still respect you and promise not to tell our friends (*snicker*).

Incidentally, I get that this whole Saturday Night Football thing is good for ratings, but I always thought that the point of football broadcasting was to legitimize the consumption of beer at times when it might not otherwise be socially acceptable. To me, a game is kind of wasted on a Saturday night. Then again, I did manage to get free drinks the entire night I was out on Saturday simply because I was wearing a Tom Brady jersey and the gentlemen around me were feeling magnanimous due to our victory. So that's always good.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-12-30T14:02:00.000-05:00

Mad Libs, the Gabe Kapler way

2007-12-28T14:46:00.000-05:00

I really don't find it all that interesting that Gabe Kapler has decided to return to the majors. Of course, he will always have a special place in my heart along with all the members of that magical 2004 Red Sox team (except for you, Doug Mientkiewicz*), but this story really just doesn't have anything particularly compelling about it. So a journeyman outfielder whose career was steeped in mediocrity (.270 average, 64 homers over 850 games) gets bored after a year of coaching Class A ball in Hicksville, SC and decides to restart his career with a team coming off a season of blown potential and continued squandering of Prince Fielder's obscene talent. Yawn. Have fun hitting 9 home runs next season, Gabe.

What did catch my attention, however, was this little gem of a grammatical construction in a Boston.com post about Kapler's return:

"As far as the question about burning bridges, it could not be further from the truth," he said. "My relationship with [Sox] baseball [operations] is stronger than ever."

That looks to me like some pretty serious liberty being taken with brackets in the second sentence there. By those rules, Kapler's sentence could be mutilated to say any number of things. Observe:

"My relationship with [furry] baseball [mascots] is stronger than ever."

"My relationship with [footed] baseball [pajamas] is stronger than ever."

"My relationship with [eating] baseball [shaped cereal] is stronger than ever."

"My relationship with [crapping out] baseball [sized lumps of glass] is stronger than ever."

"My relationship with [bald, somewhat reminiscent of a storm trooper in a purple-and-black vest, and yet undeniably attractive with his bulging forearms and chiseled features that remind me so much of my own] baseball [player Matt Holliday] is stronger than ever."

and George Mitchell's personal favorite,
"My relationship with [taking] baseball [steroids] is stronger than ever."

That last one really calls the value of Kapler's legacy of competent fielding and lazy fly outs to center field into question.

And he and Matt Holliday would make a cute couple, if only the right-wing fascists of the Rockies management would allow them to express their love. Curse you and your god-fearing ways, Clint Hurdle!

*Yeah, I spelled that right on the first try. You wish you were me.

Football on ice

2007-12-28T11:53:00.001-05:00

So the above video is kind of impressive in and of itself, what with the running around on the ice and somehow not wiping out in spectacular fashion as I would most likely do. But the story behind how I found this video is actually much funnier. I went on to YouTube to look for more Australian football videos (I'm becoming obsessed), and started to type "football in Australia" in the search box. But then, Firefox did that little thing where the drop-down menu of past searches you've done that begin with the same letters as what you're typing appears, and the strangest thing popped up:

"football on ice"

Yes, that's correct. At some point in the recent past, I actually searched YouTube for "football on ice." I can't for the life of me remember doing this. What on earth was I thinking? What was I hoping to find? Did I find it?

Obviously, I had to perform the search again, and this is one of the videos I found. Nothing really that cool, though. Disappointing.