Tuesday, July 31, 2007


Toodles, Kason. Hooray for Eric Gagne and his weird goggles!

Trade update

Eek! It appears that things are getting close on a deal for Eric Gagne, which, after some thought, I am more excited about than a trade for Jermaine Dye. Not just because of my personal Dye issues, either... I would just love to have another strong 6th-7th-8th inning guy besides Okajima on board for the post-season. A strong righty like Gagne would perfectly complement southpaw Okajima. Yes. YES. Let's do this, Texas, you sly cats. Texas, sticking to their strategy of trading away big name older players in favor of hot prospects, would acquire Kason Gabbard, who, sure is 4-0 over 7 starts, but is really just a misspelled Jason when you think about it. I'll be obsessively watching MLB.com for the rest of the night to see where this trade goes. Apparently, the Sox are on Gagne's restricted list, since Papelbon's status as The Money Closer would prevent Gagne from getting lots of save opportunities (read: lots of big fat bonus checks). Come on, Eric. Texas blows. Don't you want to at least PLAY in October?

Also, we've traded Joel Piniero to the Cards for an as-yet-unnamed mystery player. Could it be? Could it be?! Could the Cards finally be releasing my beloved from their farm system so he can emerge, phoenix-like, as a power-hitting outfielder for the Red Sox? Sigh... I'm sure it's not. But hey, a girl can dream, can't she?

Happy Birthday Harry Potter!

I'm so bored at work I could cry... so I'm going to take this opportunity to wish a Very Happy Birthday to everyone's favorite wizard. Those of you who are more interested in the fleshly incarnation of this literary figure can read about Daniel Radcliffe in the most disturbing post ever. Happy Birthday, Harry!


I know I just posted a really long, boring post, but this HAS to make it up here today:


This is possibly the most amazing thing ever. I simply must obtain a copy of this comic book. What do I have to do? Do I have to go to a Memphis Redbirds game and pretend to give a shit? I'm there. Oh man. Oh man.

[Note: I'm not actually posting at 7:30 in the morning or whatever it says. Apparently my blog thinks it's in California. Whatever.]

I could get used to this

Who knew blogging could be so rewarding? My very first day as a blogger, not only do I finally discover a cathartic, non-violent outlet for my fantasy baseball rage, but I discover another, much cooler blog, make my first ever blog comment on said blog, and get a shout-out in return. Hooray!

For those of you who didn't make it to the movie theaters this weekend, the text over Magglio (my vote for AL MVP, for obvious reasons) is from the long-awaited "Simpsons Movie," which I (along with 80 gajillion other people) saw this weekend. Now, truthfully, I don't consider my opinion on movies in general to be of any help to other people, since it is a well-documented fact that I like really stupid movies and tend to completely miss the point of movies that everyone else thinks are great. Whatever. The point is: the movie is funny. Very funny. Not really REALLY funny -- not "they said that would happen in health class" funny, maybe not even idiot-falling-off-a-treadmill funny. But very funny nonetheless, not to mention laden with inside references to reward those of us who have spent far, far too many hours watching the show and committing its dialogue to memory. (In other words, my entire family.) So I recommend it... at least until this weekend, when "The Bourne Ultimatum" comes out and I regress to 8th grade at the sight of Matt Damon. OMG MATT 4EVAAAAAAAAAA!!1!

Also, today is a good day to talk about trades, being as how it's the MLB trade deadline and there are some big ones (not necessarily baseball ones, either) in the air.

  • Mark Teixeira. This doesn't directly affect me in any way, but it's exciting for a number of reasons, the primary one being that the NL East is just a lot of fun to follow right now, and this makes it even more interesting. The Mets riding high, the Phillies on a tear despite Utley's injury, and now Atlanta adding Teixeira's sweet bat to their lineup? Should make for an exciting August and September. Second, between this and the Kenny Lofton trade, it looks like the Rangers are actually putting together some fairly exciting prospects for the fall. Amid the flurry of last-minute padding for the post-season, the Rangers seem to be quietly ceding the rest of the season (at 15.5 games out, that's not surprising) and selling off their offensive leaders in favor of pulling together a strong young team for next year. I like it, I really do. It's not even the post-season and I'm already amped for next season. Yay baseball! Third, and I don't think I'm alone in saying this, I'd like to think that this trade means that everyone's favorite Italian boy, catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchialalalalalalala, will finally see some more playing time. Interesting factoid: At 14 letters, Saltalamacchia boasts the longest last name in the history of major league baseball. Beat THAT record, Barry Bonds. And, finally, since Laura, my soon-to-be-roommate, hails from Atlanta, I must say that I'm glad that residents/fans of "the city where the players play" (where they ride on them streets like every day) have something to talk about that doesn't involve, you know, dog electrocution. In this trade, it seems, everyone comes out a winner.
  • Eric Gagne and/or Jermaine Dye. With the trade deadline looming, these appear to be the two trades that the Sox front office has on the table. Hmm... let me think... with an offensively struggling and injury-prone J.D. Drew dragging down the outfield, a team considers making a trade for Jermaine Dye... why does this sound familiar... hmm... OH GOD NO DON'T DO IT! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! *wakes up in a cold sweat* Huh? Where was I? Oh. Right. My personal fantasy league vendettas aside, both of these trades have good potential -- not in terms of providing us with a massive boost in any particular category, but rather by bolstering the Sox in some weaker areas. I like that Dye can play first, so he can provide support for Youkilis as well as the outfield, and as far as Eric Gagne is concerned, WE NEED MIDDLE RELIEF PITCHING. We could do much worse that having to choose between a Cy Young winner and a World Series MVP. Either way, I guess I'll know which direction the Sox decide to go in by the end of the day... and either way, one thing is for sure: I'll spend the rest of the season complaining that the decision they made was the wrong one. Hooray!
  • Bobby Abreu. Nope. Hawkins appears to have gotten cold feet on this one (and to think, a week ago he was offering me Jason Bay for Roy Oswalt!), so The Turtles will remain as they are for now, unless I accept one of Safran's ridiculous 3-mediocre-players-for-one-Alfonso-Soriano trades. Which I won't.
  • The D Line. I'd been taking the C from Cleveland Circle to get downtown because of the stupid shuttle bus on the D Line when it occured to me that I can still just get on the D at Reservoir and get downtown in about half the time -- plus, to make up for the irritating construction, the MBTA is letting people ride inbound from Reservoir for free. It seems that Boston's ridiculous, convoluted, outdated subway system is finally working in my favor. Maybe they figure they owe me since I lived on the B(ullshit) Line all this past year.

and, finally, obviously, the big one...

  • Kevin Garnett. I know, I know, it hasn't been confirmed yet... I mean, it was confirmed in The Herald, but that POS newspaper is about as reliable as that dental student I met at Clery's a few weeks ago who told me I was the perfect girl for him. Seriously, though, I'm excited about this trade. For several reasons. No, this is not the most exciting thing to happen to Boston sports this year (RANDY MOSS RANDY MOSS RANDY MOSS), but I'd like to think that the addition of K-Garn to my beloved Celtics will make people in Boston start giving a shit about the Celtics again, especially after we got screwed over in the draft pick lottery. It would be nice to go to a Celts game and have it be CROWDED for once, or to go out around the Garden and see people who are out drinking because they just came from a basketball game (instead of because they came to watch the Cavs game at a sports bar). Damn it, I want to be able to wear my glitter-ized Paul Pierce jersey with PRIDE!!! So, Kevin Garnett, I welcome you to Boston with (glittery) open arms. Maybe I'll even start a chicks-only fan club for you, a la Grady's Ladies. I'll call it Garnett's... Pets. Yeesh. Well, I'll get back to you on that. But welcome to Beantown nonetheless.

Happy MLB Trade Deadline Day, everyone. May your favorite team be showered with whatever it is they need showering with, be it relief pitching, solid fielding, good baserunning, or good old fashioned love.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Slow and steady...

Man, fuck that old adage about the tortoise and the hare. Seriously. Fuck it. My fantasy baseball team (the not-at-all-ironic-although-in-retrospect-I-should-have-seen-it-coming-ally named "The Turtles," named for the little league team in white blazers and red shirts that Steve Martin starts in the underappreciated "My Blue Heaven") is doing so awfully that I don't quite know what to do about it. The best thing, I think, would have been to stop playing when I slid clumsily, David Ortiz-like, into last place. Then, at least, I could cry apathy and neglect as the source of my frustrating fantasy demise. Having still been somewhat attentive (granted, that attention has taken the form of continuing to start Bronson Arroyo and making trades for dumbass 0-for-7-ers like Jermaine Dye), however, I must resort to firmly placing the blame for my team's crappiness on the shoulders of my hapless players, a la this guy:


Damn you, Roy Oswalt. I could have had C.C. Sabathia as my ace. Damn the 1-2-3 punch of losing Aramis, Rickie Weeks, and Giambi within a week of eachother to the DL (never mind the fact that said losses occured during a week where I was too busy nightclub-hopping to check my team standings). Damn you, Alfonso Soriano, for failing to elevate the batting stats of my other players by association. And double-damn you, JD Drew, for being the lone member of the Red Sox on my team (I even bought a damn tshirt!) and sucking it up for me so badly that I just HAD to trade you, and am now stuck considering the hated Abreu on the eve of the trade deadline.

Now, are there any dam(n) questions?

(Yeah... where can I get some damn bait?)

Sigh. At least Los Calcetines Rojos are 8 games up. Maybe I've inadvertently created a "Portrait of Dorian Gray"-type situation, and as long as my fantasy team suffers, the Sox will continue to dominate the AL East. Am I suggesting that my own ham-handed management of a terrible fantasy team is directly responsible for the success of the best team in baseball? Of course I am.

[Note #1: in all seriousness, I am aware that my tragic tendency to forget about my team for days on end is most likely responsible for The Turtles' failings. However, let it NEVER be said, as some have insinuated, that the ineptitude of my team is due to my only drafting/trading for players I think are cute. I'd be doing a lot better if I had followed my hormones to Joe Mauer, Grady Sizemore, and Rich Harden.]

[Note #2: this is my first attempt at blogging. Be kind.]

[Note #3: I feel good about Kenny Lofton.]