Monday, July 30, 2007

Slow and steady...

Man, fuck that old adage about the tortoise and the hare. Seriously. Fuck it. My fantasy baseball team (the not-at-all-ironic-although-in-retrospect-I-should-have-seen-it-coming-ally named "The Turtles," named for the little league team in white blazers and red shirts that Steve Martin starts in the underappreciated "My Blue Heaven") is doing so awfully that I don't quite know what to do about it. The best thing, I think, would have been to stop playing when I slid clumsily, David Ortiz-like, into last place. Then, at least, I could cry apathy and neglect as the source of my frustrating fantasy demise. Having still been somewhat attentive (granted, that attention has taken the form of continuing to start Bronson Arroyo and making trades for dumbass 0-for-7-ers like Jermaine Dye), however, I must resort to firmly placing the blame for my team's crappiness on the shoulders of my hapless players, a la this guy:

Damn you, Roy Oswalt. I could have had C.C. Sabathia as my ace. Damn the 1-2-3 punch of losing Aramis, Rickie Weeks, and Giambi within a week of eachother to the DL (never mind the fact that said losses occured during a week where I was too busy nightclub-hopping to check my team standings). Damn you, Alfonso Soriano, for failing to elevate the batting stats of my other players by association. And double-damn you, JD Drew, for being the lone member of the Red Sox on my team (I even bought a damn tshirt!) and sucking it up for me so badly that I just HAD to trade you, and am now stuck considering the hated Abreu on the eve of the trade deadline.

Now, are there any dam(n) questions?

(Yeah... where can I get some damn bait?)

Sigh. At least Los Calcetines Rojos are 8 games up. Maybe I've inadvertently created a "Portrait of Dorian Gray"-type situation, and as long as my fantasy team suffers, the Sox will continue to dominate the AL East. Am I suggesting that my own ham-handed management of a terrible fantasy team is directly responsible for the success of the best team in baseball? Of course I am.

[Note #1: in all seriousness, I am aware that my tragic tendency to forget about my team for days on end is most likely responsible for The Turtles' failings. However, let it NEVER be said, as some have insinuated, that the ineptitude of my team is due to my only drafting/trading for players I think are cute. I'd be doing a lot better if I had followed my hormones to Joe Mauer, Grady Sizemore, and Rich Harden.]

[Note #2: this is my first attempt at blogging. Be kind.]

[Note #3: I feel good about Kenny Lofton.]


Marta said...

The prose is singular.

Nicholas said...

Having drafted Mr. Harden, let me assure you that you are better off without that injury-prone loser.