Trade rumors: Fun for the whole family!

I've resorted to following the GM meetings and associated trade rumors obsessively this week, only because my love life is so very, very stagnant and devoid of activity. (Unless I sneak over to go make out with my neighbor again, which, let's not lie, I will most likely do, but I won't feel good about it.) But, hey, the exciting world of baseball trades is just as fun!


Lots of rumors flying around now that Theo has concluded his meetings, and, surprisingly, A-Rod has drifted to the back burner. There's still the big question of Lowell, of course, and his decision to take or leave what is reportedly a 4-year deal with Boston will affect whether or not Boston decides to go after Miguel Cabrera. Cabrera is a powerful hitter (.320, 34, 119) but drew lots of raised eyebrows when he returned from last year's offseason significantly fatter than before. Maybe he could explore the Curt Schilling route and work weight incentives into his contract? Heh. Hehe. Fat kids are funny. The other, more scintillating, rumor is that the Sox may be considering a trade for either Dan Haren or Johan Santana. Quite frankly, both of those rumors turn me on. Santana deserves to be on a team that will actually give him run support. Dan Haren is a badass. The current Sox rotation is exciting, yes, but very young, and while a trade for either Haren or Santana would surely mean giving up either Jon Lester or Clay Buchholz, the thought of following Beckett with a Haren or a Santana in the #2 is enough to get a girl pretty excited. Phew, is it hot in here?


Blah blah Brad Lidge blah blah. Yeah, the way to escape your demons is to move to the losing-est team in the history of baseball. Good luck with that. And, in other exciting news, rather than attempting to trade for some big names or explore new management possibilities, Tampa Bay has apparently decided to forgo off-season trade maneuvering altogether and simply change their name and brand identity as the surest route to improving their ballclub. They will no longer be called the Devil Rays, but simply the Rays, and will be sporting the spiffy new logo below:

Um, yay, I guess? I mean, clearly SOMETHING needs to change down there. [Note: That's what she said.] Maybe this is the magic bullet the hapless Devil Rays -- oh, excuse me, the RAYS -- need. I was going to suggest something like signing some damn pitching, or at least teaching your players how not to get thrown out of games, but what do I know? At least one Ray is excited about the change:

"It feels like a fresh start," left fielder Carl Crawford said. "It's like that feeling of going to school on the first day. You get to wear the new uniforms. It feels good. You know what they say, 'You play like you feel.' We feel good, we look good, so hopefully, we'll play good."

Crawford has seen his share of losing, but with the team the Rays had at the conclusion of the 2007 season, he has a renewed optimism about the direction of the franchise, and said that he felt the changes reflect that new direction.

"Most definitely, I'm the most optimistic I've been," he said. "I get to play beside B.J. Upton every day, hopefully hitting in front of him, and Delmon [Young], too. If you can't get excited about playing in that outfield every day, then you don't have a pulse. ... I think this is the best potential we've had since the club came into existence."

Bear in mind that this "potential" Crawford is referring to has nothing to do with any actual trades or changes in the front office. This is strictly based on the name and logo change. Maybe this will become like one of those heartwarming family movies, where the Rays will play really well and make it to the playoffs with their new uniforms, but then something terrible will happen to the new uniforms and they'll have to play in Game 7 of the World Series without them, and they'll be terrified that they can't win without the uniforms, but then Wade Boggs or someone will show up and reveal that IT WASN'T THE UNIFORMS, THEY HAD THE POWER INSIDE THEM ALL ALONG and they'll win the Series and everyone will learn a valuable lesson about life and love.


But probably not.

In bed with Scott Boras: Always use protection.

Yes, it's that time of year again: Theo Epstein and Scott Boras are starting negotiations and playing footsie under the table down in Orlando. The big story here, obviously, is the possibility that the Sox might sign A-Rod... they're one of only a handful of teams capable of picking up such a huge contract, and I wouldn't be a bit surprised to see Epstein make the deal. It's no secret that Epstein won't hold on to a championship team simply for the sake of keeping everybody together. The question is what will eventually trump what: Boras' insistence on getting his purple-lipped client a raise, or A-Rod's desire to play for a powerhouse team.



The other issues on the table are (a) Mike Lowell, whose coming or going is most likely dependent on the A-Rod deal (the Sox have reportedly expressed interest in a 3-year deal for Lowell); (b) Jason Varitek, another Boras client who may be looking for a contract extension; and (c) Eric Gagne, also a Boras client, who the Sox would have to be blind, deaf, and suffering from some sort of debilitating mental affliction to re-sign.

Epstein said in the afternoon that he was going to meet with Boras "to talk about [Eric] Gagné and his whole list of free agents. He's not a great fit for our bullpen right now, but I wouldn't rule anything out."

Not a great fit for our bullpen in the same way that chlamydia isn't a great fit for my lifestyle right now. Oh, Gagne, Gagne. I supported the Sox dealing for you over Jermaine Dye. I heralded your arrival in Boston. I even defended you when you immediately started eating it on the mound. You've just put me through too much. I can't do this anymore. Take your greasy hair and your stupid goggles and beat it.



Oh, and Scott Boras? You're still creepy.

Celts now 3-0, Boston fans still enjoy ridiculously inflated senses of self-worth

To be honest, I was kind of hoping the C's game against Denver last night would give me something interesting to comment on, but the Nuggets wound up getting absolutely thrashed and I am left with no choice but to perpetuate the never-ending douchebaggery that being a Boston fan entails these days. In case you missed the game (which you probably did because the only channel even showing it in Boston was Comcast Sports for some reason), here's a quick summary:

1. Boston scores.
2. Denver takes it down the court, shoots, misses.
3. Kevin Garnett rebounds, makes everyone around him look small and helpless.
4. Boston takes it back down, scores.
5. Carmelo Anthony fouls someone.
6. Celtics fans drink more, cheer for Kevin Youkilis.
7. Boston scores again.
8. Bob Cousy makes reference to Togo Palazzi. (Fun fact: Back in the day, when I was railroaded into playing basketball since I was one of those awkward chicks who hit 5'7" by 6th grade, I went to one of Togo's basketball clinics. I'm awesome!)
9. Boston scores again.
10. Eduardo Najera checks reflection in shiny surface of parquet floor to ensure that hair is still properly coiffed.
11. Boston scores.
12. Lather.
13. Rinse.
14. Repeat.

The final score was 119-93, and even that isn't really indicative of how much of an ass-whomping this game was. The Celts led 77-38 at the half and enjoyed a lead of 41 at one point. Whoo baby... BOSTON!

Incidentally, the Bruins lost to Buffalo in overtime last night, so there you go. We too suffer setbacks and face hardships.

Question of the day #1 -- Which is actually more asinine: to be a douchebaggy Boston fan, or to complain about how you really WANT not to be a douchebaggy Boston fan, but can't HELP it because your teams are all just so GOOD? (Obviously, I'm a fan of the latter.)

Question of the day #2 -- Should I buy this? (Correct answer: Yes.)

The passing of an icon

A moment of silence, if you will, for the passing of the great Lillian "The Fabulous Moolah" Ellison, a female wrestler who was the first woman ever to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. Ellison, who passed away yesterday, was 84. She started wrestling at age 25 (this is during the 40's, now, so she was bucking more than a few gender stereotypes along the way) and won her most recent title at the age of 76. Originally billed in the ring as "Slave Girl Moolah," Ellison eventually rose above those humble beginnings and changed her name to "The Fabulous Moolah." Yes, she was a true pioneer who paved the way for today's superstar female wrestlers like Chyna and, um, Chyna.

Seriously though? This broad sounds like the coolest woman ever. I can only aspire to one day be cool enough to pull off the nickname "The Fabulous Moolah." Not even just "Fabulous Moolah." THE Fabulous Moolah, bitches. Now that's a woman I can look up to. Sorry, Hillary and Sandra Day... I've found my new role model.

God, I feel so inspired.

Time for something funny

I'm really struggling to come up with anything funny to say. Blame it on the rain.

This is... kind of ridiculous, if not ACTUALLY funny. Apparently the coach of some high school girls' soccer team go so pissed off at his opponents that he could think of no other way to express his rage than to moon them.

A youth soccer coach has been suspended for allegedly going to the middle of a sports field in Windsor after a contentious match, pulling down his pants and exposing his buttocks to his opponents - a team of 14- and 15-year-old girls, authorities said Sunday.

I appreciate the story simply because -- and I think I'm not alone in saying this -- I have always looked forward to the day when sports coaches seek to resolve their disputes not by throwing out the challenge flag or thoughtlessly chucking pieces of the field at officials, but rather by baring parts of their bodies for all to look upon. I'm sure the refs would have stopped making all those damn pass interference calls on Sunday if they had been subjected for even one moment to the sight of Belichick's sweating, linty backside.





And a CURT SCHILLING UPDATE: Schilling has been offered a 1-year, $8 million deal that includes $2 million in "weight incentives." In other words, he gets extra money for not being a fattie. Will the promise of all that extra money be enough to pry the Triple Dip Strips out of Schilling's hand and get him onto a treadmill? Only time will tell...

Schilling back in 2008?

So the story to follow today is whether or not Curt Schilling will be back for another season with the Red Sox in 2008. Personally, I'm surprised that the Red Sox front office is even considering a deal with Schilling. Not that I don't support it, because I do, but because Epstein & Co. have established themselves as firmly opposed to keeping players on just because of their popularity when they become less of an athletic asset to the team. Pedro Martinez is the primary example of this, followed by Johnny Damon and Derek Lowe. (And soon, probably, Coco Crisp.)

I mean, Schilling does still have a 3.46 career ERA, and his career post-season ERA over 5 appearances is 2.23. I guess if you're a GM with his eye on Yankees-like Series domination over the next few years, that stat is going to grab your eye. The other thing is, of course, that to re-sign Curt Schilling right now is not to re-sign an aging fastballer whose dwindling velocity makes him a liability on the mound (see Clemens, Roger). After losing a month and half to a shoulder injury in the middle of this season, Schilling has very much reinvented the way he pitches, relying on creativity and reading the batter much more heavily than he has done in the past. He can still shred the strike zone with fastballs for a couple of innings a game, but it's his ability to move the ball and draw swinging strikes, particularly with his changeup, that has become his signature in later months. Consider the rest of the Boston rotation for next year: Beckett, Lester, Buchholz, and Matsuzaka, all speedy young throwers who, with the exception of Beckett, have a great deal of maturing to do if they want to become 20-game winners. Suddenly, it makes a lot of sense to bring a shrewd, grizzled veteran who is less reliant on his fastball like Schilling in for the #3 or even the #2 spot.

Like I said, I'm for it. I guess the trade will be announced at some point today.

/tries to come up with witty commentary

/fails

Danny Ainge, second baseman

Fun fact of the day: Did you know that, prior to joining the Boston Celtics organization in 1981, Danny Ainge had been a promising second baseman in the Toronto Blue Jays farm system for four seasons? Red Auerbach bought out the remainder of Ainge's contract in order to bring him to Boston.

Wow, that's a lucky break. Rescued from obscurity in the farm system of a crappy Canadian baseball team (I hear Canada actually had TWO baseball teams back then) to become part of what is still the most revered sports dynasty in the history of, well, sports. Well done, Danny Ainge.

Now you know!

Back to preventing foreclosure. By which I mean looking at videos of hurling on YouTube, because Irish people hitting one another just isn't something you see every day.