Let the haterade flow

Today is the first warm day we've had in Boston. It's a glorious 56 degrees outside (that's officially referred to as "polka-dot dress weather" in Raquel-speak), and it seems only fitting to welcome the spring thaw with another spring tradition. That's right, kids... it's time to dust off my hatred of those pinstripers from the Bronx and bring it back to front and center on my mantle.

Now, I'll admit that the sheer joy of our thrilling journey to World Championship Land last fall was almost enough to sate my baseball bloodlust, rendering me magnanimous in victory and simply unconcerned with those pesky Yanks. However, I can thank the excellent Sports Hernia for reminding me why I should NEVER FORGET what unbelievable chumps who deserve to get their asses handed to them in painful and embarrassing fashion the Bronx Bombers truly are. From the mouth of Hank Steinbrenner:

"Go anywhere in America and you won't see Red Sox hats and jackets, you'll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country. In fact, it reminds me of that great Chevy commercial about how 'this is our country', I feel as though that was written with the New York Yankees in mind. We're going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order."

First of all, [deep breath] GUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Second of all, I thought the Rockies had already claimed to be America's team. Third of all, seriously Hank, SHUT UP. Everything you say is garbage. We know you're trying to step out from under Daddy's shadow, but surely there are ways to accomplish that other than by being an insufferable blowhard. Oh, and it gets worse:

"Now from what I've seen and what my baseball people tell me, they have a fine closer up there in young Papelbon. But I'll be damned if he's the only one doing the Irish jig and running around like Shelley Duncan and my younger Yankees. Let it be known to Red Sox nation that when the Yankees board the Death Star and make their way to Boston for the first time this season in April, you can bet I'll be dancing on their logo as soon as I get there. And if they shave those funny looking socks into the mound area, you can be damn sure I'll be dancing on those too."

Now that's just... like... weird. Is he honestly, deliberately comparing his Yankees to the evil empire of death and destruction in Star Wars? Shouldn't that be the image he's trying NOT to cultivate if they are, in fact, America's team? Will the Yankees actually be riding a gigantic moon-sized space station with the firepower to destroy an entire planet to their first series in Boston? God, I'm so confused!

Ahh... I can feel the Yankees hatred flowing back into my veins, as strong as it ever was. All is right with the world.

It's almost enough to make a girl forget about that embarrassing 10-2 ass-kicking by the Capitals last night. ALMOST. There can't be many players who've managed to score a hat trick within one freaking period of a hockey game...

Oh this is just awesome

Ha! It seems that Topps, maker of baseball cards since back when people actually collected baseball cards, has decided to include a little extra incentive for collectors in the new packs they're releasing next week. 1 in every 70 packs will include a card with former NYC mayor/failed presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani celebrating the Red Sox' 2007 World Series win with the team. (Sorry, that picture quality is kind of crappy, but it's the best I could find.)

Apparently, the card was designed in response to a comment Giuliani made earlier this year: when asked who he was pulling for in the World Series, Giuliani answered that he was supporting the Red Sox because he's "an American League fan." Needless to say, this alienated many Yankees fans (and possibly Mets fans)... and quite frankly confuses the hell out of me. Who gets chauvinistic about their league or conference? I think it's pretty standard practice to root AGAINST whatever team from your conference/league/division/intergalactic space alliance makes it to the playoffs, since their winning a playoffs berth would presumably have excluded your team from doing so at some point along the way. Sure, I pull for the AL during the All-Star game, but only because it may eventually benefit my team for the AL to have won (and because Magglio Ordonez fills me with indescribable joy).

GO EASTERN CONFERENCE! BEAT THOSE WESTERN CONFERENCE SUCKERS!

Nah, it just doesn't get me all that fired up.

I think Rudy is mixing baseball up with politics. In a presidential election, of course, it makes sense that even if the candidate you vote for in the primaries doesn't win the party nomination, you'll still probably vote where your party loyalties lie. Somehow, though, I don't see myself ever cheering the Yankees on in the postseason just because my Red Sox didn't make it there.

Magnanimous in victory! Pfft nah just kidding

Yesterday was awesome.

David Garrard and his Jaguars put up a decent fight, but we prevailed. And thank god, too. It's been painfully obvious since we almost blew it against the Eagles in Week 12 that we have no defense to speak of -- sure, we'll turn a great play every now and again, but we're simply not a physical presence that can shut down a rushing play, and we're practically a nonentity inside the red zone. Our defense looked weak against Jacksonville and got scrappy and desperate as a result. I've never seen so many damn unnecessary roughness calls in my life. Plus, giving away an 88-yard scoring drive followed by a 95-yard one? That shouldn't happen.

Thank god for Moss and Welker. Ben Watson was clutch too. We might not have much of a defense, but holy CRAP no one has an offense like we do. And forget that old saw about the best offense being a good defense, because defense doesn't win Superbowls. Just ask Lovie Smith.

You know who DOES win Superbowls?

TOM FUCKING BRADY.

flkjal;kfnl;kahgtiovyuweoinuois;fjclksfna;lekjbv;toi2u3'p[

My hand in marriage and a dowry consisting of several fine milk cows and a chest of hand-sewn linens to the gentleman (or lady; it's Massachusetts, so we can do that now) who can provide me with tickets to the game next week.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fatty Sabathia wins Cy Young; Boston fans demand recount

Dustin Pedroia won the AL Rookie of the Year, so I suppose it was too much to hope for that one of Boston's own also bring home the Cy Young award. Sigh. Cleveland ace C.C. Sabathia edged out Boston's Josh Beckett, the ONLY pitcher in the majors to win 20 games this year, to win this year's AL Cy Young award. The logic, once I temporarily turn off the Masshole portion of my brain, is actually fairly straightforward: Sabathia pitched 40 more innings than Beckett and posted only one win fewer, all on significantly less run support. So, fine. I've said all season that there are plenty of pitchers in the AL with more raw talent than Beckett (Sabathia, Haren, Santana, Bedard, and even Wang before the post-season), and I guess the voting here bears me out. Given the fact that Ryan Braun won the NL Rookie of the Year over Troy Tulowitzski, Sabathia's win seems consistent with the theme of utterly disregarding the postseason in voting. Also, lefty aces are hot. So there you have it. Look how objective I am.


/slips back into Masshole mode
/reads last like 8 issues of Sports Illustrated
/is vindicated



Also, a fun fact: the last time an Indian won the Cy Young, the year was 1972, and his name was Gaylord Perry. Heh. Hehe.



The NL Cy Young winner will not be announced until Thursday, but I'm assuming it will be San Diego's vaguely potato-like Jake Peavy, who had an incredible season that included a 16-strikeout game and an arrest for disorderly conduct at the airport. Brandon Webb is another candidate, although his numbers (18-10, 3.01, 194 K's) simply don't compare to Peavy's (19-6, 2.54, 24o (!) K's). I guess Brad Penny could also be a contender, assuming that dating TV actresses and being less of a waste of space than Jason Schmidt are voting categories. In which case I should also be on the ballot.

Celts now 3-0, Boston fans still enjoy ridiculously inflated senses of self-worth

To be honest, I was kind of hoping the C's game against Denver last night would give me something interesting to comment on, but the Nuggets wound up getting absolutely thrashed and I am left with no choice but to perpetuate the never-ending douchebaggery that being a Boston fan entails these days. In case you missed the game (which you probably did because the only channel even showing it in Boston was Comcast Sports for some reason), here's a quick summary:

1. Boston scores.
2. Denver takes it down the court, shoots, misses.
3. Kevin Garnett rebounds, makes everyone around him look small and helpless.
4. Boston takes it back down, scores.
5. Carmelo Anthony fouls someone.
6. Celtics fans drink more, cheer for Kevin Youkilis.
7. Boston scores again.
8. Bob Cousy makes reference to Togo Palazzi. (Fun fact: Back in the day, when I was railroaded into playing basketball since I was one of those awkward chicks who hit 5'7" by 6th grade, I went to one of Togo's basketball clinics. I'm awesome!)
9. Boston scores again.
10. Eduardo Najera checks reflection in shiny surface of parquet floor to ensure that hair is still properly coiffed.
11. Boston scores.
12. Lather.
13. Rinse.
14. Repeat.

The final score was 119-93, and even that isn't really indicative of how much of an ass-whomping this game was. The Celts led 77-38 at the half and enjoyed a lead of 41 at one point. Whoo baby... BOSTON!

Incidentally, the Bruins lost to Buffalo in overtime last night, so there you go. We too suffer setbacks and face hardships.

Question of the day #1 -- Which is actually more asinine: to be a douchebaggy Boston fan, or to complain about how you really WANT not to be a douchebaggy Boston fan, but can't HELP it because your teams are all just so GOOD? (Obviously, I'm a fan of the latter.)

Question of the day #2 -- Should I buy this? (Correct answer: Yes.)

I had to come down at some point...

No, I actually haven't been able to blog for the past week or so. Not because I've been busy, but because every intelligent post I tried to write still wound up deteriorating within the first 2 minutes or so into something like this:

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG BOSTON WON THE WORLD SERIES I AM HAVING 14,317 OF EACH PLAYER ON THE TEAM'S BABIES WE DID IT AGAIN BOSTON 4EVA

and so on in that fashion. And no one wants to read that. Nor do I particularly want to subject my loyal readers (Hi, Mom! Hi, Mike!) to repeated bludgeoning with the obvious fact of my superiority as a human being by virtue of being associated with a winning athletic organization. So, having given the World Series victory (!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!) a week or so to mature and pass from immediate consciousness to the pantheon of things I can tell my grandchildren about (and for my brain cells to emerge from the beer-soaked haze that was Games 2, 3, and 4), it is time to turn our attention elsewhere in the world of sports.



I finally caught my first Bruins game of the season on Thursday: an exciting 4-3 overtime win over Buffalo. I was disappointed that I didn't get to see Manny Fernandez goaltend... apparently he stepped on a puck at the end of a practice last week and twisted his ankle. Um, really? Tim Thomas made 27 saves and looked great, though, so good for him. Unfortunately, the other two Bruins games this weekend did not go as well, as we lost to Ottawa (wow, I just learned how to spell that) twice, including a loss in a shootout (which we still get points for because the NHL is weird) last night. The B's are now 7-5-1, which should surprise you only inasmuch as I bet you had no idea we were already that deep into the hockey season.



The Celtics, by contrast, are only 2 games into their season, but they've won both of them. Last night's OT victory against Toronto was actually a pretty exciting watch; however, no one in New England cared, since it was going on during "Superbowl XLI 1/2" or whatever ridiculous name you feel like dubbing last night's football showdown. Ray Allen hit a 3-pointer with 2.6 seconds left in overtime to give Boston the win, 98-95. On a somewhat less jubilant note, Doc Rivers was not on hand to coach the game, as his father passed away yesterday. No sarc here whatsoever: I hope the Doc is doing well.

I'm dying to talk about the Pats/Colts game, but dammit I'm supposed to be AVOIDING Masshole-ness. Guhh. In the name of humility, I should mention that BC golden boy Matt Ryan suffered his first loss of the season at the hands of Florida State this weekend. Sigh. Too bad Boston is such a pro sports town that this will barely register as a blip on the radar of the average local fan, sated with victory after sweet, sweet victory as said fan already is. I am never moving.