BREAKING NEWS: Patrice Bergeron cleared for playoffs action!

Hooray!

Just in time for the first-round playoffs series with Montreal, the dashing Bergeron has been cleared by team doctors to return to play. Bergeron has been practicing with his teammates for several weeks, but while wearing the red "no contact" jersey. The return to play will mark the first time Bergeron has taken the ice for the Bruins since October 10, when he suffered a concussion following a nasty hit against the boards in a game with Philadelphia. Although it's still not clear that Bergeron will play in Thursday's series opener, his return will undoubtedly have a significant impact on what would otherwise have been a very lopsided (methinks) series.

More on the B's playoffs outlook when I'm not in bed with a fever/getting acquainted with my On Demand selections. It pains me that "Daddy Day Camp" is the third-most requested movie on Comcast Digital, incidentally. I sincerely hope the overlap between the "Request Movies On Demand" and "Plan To Vote In Upcoming Presidential Election" circles in the Venn diagram of the American public is small, because I'm not convinced that either a wacky soccer-playing cat or a particularly moist Twinkie can successfully unify this country.

Bruins... meh...

Blech. What an icky taste in my mouth after that sudden-death shootout loss to the Devils last night. Like waking up the morning after a tequila bender, except I still know where my pants are. Honestly, even a win eked out in a sudden-death shootout (i.e. what happens when a team fails to win after regulation time, a 5-minute OT period, and a 3-round shootout) is a lukewarm accomplishment at best. By comparison, losing after all that is the hockey equivalent of flirting with someone at a bar for a solid three hours and then having them leave when you duck into the powder room to fix your hair.

Perception bias being what it is, it feels like the Bruins are simply incapable of winning in OT/SO situations. At the Florida game I went to earlier this year, I remember getting all amped up for the OT period only to see it end literally 25 seconds in on a Florida goal. I had just gotten a fresh beer, for chrissake. In reality, though, the B's are 3-5 in overtime games (not great, but not awful) and 6-7 in shootouts, leaving them 9-12 in games that go beyond regulation time on the season. What's frustrating about that, of course, is that it does not bode well for the playoffs, which are all about the fast goal and the clutch play.

A win last night would have clinched a playoffs berth for the B's. Now, it'll be up to the black-and-gold to seal the deal against Ottawa on Friday or Buffalo on Saturday. To speak frankly, though, no possible playoffs scenario looks good at this point. The 7th seed we're currently toying with would have us pitted against 2nd-seed Montreal since the Penguins took over the conference lead; given that we're 0-8 against the Habs on the season, I'm less than optimistic about our chances in this series. Slipping to the 8th seed under the Flyers would mean a first-round series against Pittsburgh and a healthy Sidney Crosby and Marion Hossa. Boston is 2-1-1 on the season against the Penguins, but neither of those wins were against a team with Hossa or Wunderkind (the February 28th win, immediately after Hossa was traded, saw Hossa injured after about 5 minutes of play).

In other words: playoffs berth or no, it's highly unlikely the B's are advancing past the first round. Still, a trip to the playoffs coming off a year that saw no playoffs action whatsoever is an important step forward and blah blah blah. Playoffs appearances are important to a franchise, regardless of the outcome. The Phillies got swept in the first round after getting ridiculously lucky last year, and the way they talk you'd think they'd won the damn pennant or something.

You should care about hockey

This is always, always the worst week of the year for sports. The initial luster of Spring Training has worn off. Selection Sunday hasn't happened yet, so we don't have brackets to obsess over. There's plenty of kind-of-news that could or could not lend itself to mildly amusing posts, be it Felix Pie's twisted nether bits (gross), Billy Crystal suiting up for the Yankees (who gives a crap), or Dwayne Wade being out for the rest of the season (WAHHHHHHHH!). But, truth be told, I'm just not that INTERESTED in any of those stories (except for the D-Wade one, and that just makes me sad).

Instead, I think I'll spend the day practicing my Canadian accent in order to better hurl epithets at my television during the Bruins/Senators (that's Les Sénateurs d'Ottawa for you French speakers) game tonight.




Tonight's game, as with basically every game we have coming down the stretch, is A Big Deal. If we beat Ottawa, our point total will increase to 82; the Senators currently have 83 points on the season, while the division-leading Habs have 85. In other words, we're within striking distance of winning our division, which is probably more than the Leafs or Sabres (sorry, James) can say. However, given the highly competitive nature of the Atlantic division (the Devils have 86, the Penguins have 85, and the Rangers have 83) it could prove more difficult to actually win a 4-8 seed than to win our division. In other words: we need a friggin' win tonight.

Our last matchup against Ottawa on February 26 resulted in a 4-0 victory for us behind Tim Thomas' 22 saves and 2 goals from Zdeno Chara. Hopefully some of that sweet, sweet lovin' coming his way will help Thomas regain his magic in the goal tonight -- if he plays, since Coach Julien is playing his cards awfully close to his chest and not revealing who the starting netminder will be. No word yet on whether Chara, who missed Sunday's shootout loss to the Rangers with an upper torso injury (a broken heart?), will be back in action for tonight. I know many of you are simply dying of suspense, so rest assured: I'll check the updates after the B's morning skate at 11:30.



Update: Zdeno Chara will NOT be playing tonight. Marc Savard plans to score 7 first-period goals to make up for it. Alex Auld will be starting in goal.

Some straight-up Tim Thomas lovin'

That's right. 'Cause lord knows my boy needs it. Just days after being named NHL Second Star of the Week coming off 3 straight wins (including that glorious performance against the Thrashers), Thomas melted down in the net against the onslaught of Ovechkin and the Capitals; he actually got pulled TWICE from that game. Tonight was another rough night for Thomas, as my boy let up 5 goals in an 8-2 loss to the Maple Leafs (insert joke about Canadians not being able to spell here). Wahh!

This is truly sad -- not only for the Bruins' playoffs chase, but because Thomas has been such a joy to watch goaltend this season. His unconventional, highly aggressive style is nothing short of dazzling at times, and he always displays a charming, boyish giddiness in press conferences after games where he knows he's done well. I'm laying it all on the table, as I am wont to do: I love me some Tim Thomas. Now, some have suggested that the best thing for me to do as a pro-active Bruins fan would be for me to provide Thomas with, er, some womanly attention. To which I say: nay. My love for Tim Thomas exists on a far more transcendent level than that. Thus, Tim Thomas, I send you my undying love and devotion via this series of tubes that we call the Internet. I believe in your ability to lead us into the postseason in a blaze of glory. I BELIEVE IN YOU, Tim Thomas.

Now, all we need is a little more of this:


and a little less of this:

Everybody's a winner!

So, there's been a bit of a debate going on in the comments below about the proper definition of a "Natural Hat Trick" in hockey. Fortunately, we have with us today one of hockey's all-time greats to clear things up:



(clears throat) Ahem. A natural hat trick is when a player scores either a) a goal in each of the three periods, b) three goals in one period, or c) three of his team's goals in succession in one game.

Thanks, Bobby!

In other words, we were ALL right. Isn't that special?



(here's the source if you're curious)

Fight!

Here's the Milan Lucic vs. Jarkko Ruutu (my goodness there are a great deal of superfluous letters there) fight from the Bruins-Penguins game tonight. What a great game. Bruins won 5-1 behind the stellar goaltending of Tim Thomas; this is the B's 5th straight win. What I really want to post, actually, is a video of this incredible goal P.J. Axelsson scored in the 2nd, but I can't find it anywhere. So we have fighting instead. Man I love hockey.

Also, it bears mentioning that Marian Hossa injured his knee last night and sat out the entire third period. No word on what his condition will be after today. It's been a rough season for the Penguins injury-wise, no question. At least the Pirates thrashed the Phillies 11-6 in the preseason game yesterday. This will undoubtedly be the only time this year that Pittsburgh types can actually look to the Pirates as a source of cheer and optimism, so I'd say go ahead and cherish this moment.

WHAT

Explain to me how the Bruins can outshoot the Panthers 36-25 and still lose 6-3.

%^$&*^@*(#^)!*%$(*&@*(&*!%)*&@&(*#^!(

A sight for sore eyes

Mmm. There we go. All better now.

Here's my beloved signing autographs and flashing his sexiest smile at the Cardinals' Winter Warm-up... and reminding me not to despair, because (as the lovely Smurphette also pointed out) pitchers and catchers report for spring training in exactly 10 days, 13 hours, 18 minutes, and 34 seconds. (33... 32... 31...) The long, bleak stretch between the NFL and MLB seasons is upon us, but at least sexy Rick's smile will help pull me through.

Also, the Beanpot is on. BC and BU are tied 3-3 with 2:28 left in the third period... what a game! (Harvard beat Northeastern earlier, but both of those teams are significantly less dominant, so whoever wins this BC/BU game will most likely take the tournament in the finals next Monday.) Not gonna lie, I love me some BU hockey, so go Terriers! True story: my brother and I went to the first game at the new Agannis Arena when it opened (BU/UNH), and Mike FREAKING Eruzione was in front of me in line to get food. Pretty sweet.

Thank god for good, local college hockey right now, because I absolutely can't flip to any national sports channels. NESN pretty much makes a business of ignoring the football season entirely, so I'm safe as long as I stay here (and keep browsing the MLB.com photo galleries. Chris Carpenter's new facial hair? Dig it).

Update: BC wound up winning 4-3 in overtime. This is the first time in 14 years that BU hasn't appeared in the Beanpot finals, and will also be the first time this BC senior class has been to the Beanpot, so that's fun for them.

I had to come down at some point...

No, I actually haven't been able to blog for the past week or so. Not because I've been busy, but because every intelligent post I tried to write still wound up deteriorating within the first 2 minutes or so into something like this:

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG BOSTON WON THE WORLD SERIES I AM HAVING 14,317 OF EACH PLAYER ON THE TEAM'S BABIES WE DID IT AGAIN BOSTON 4EVA

and so on in that fashion. And no one wants to read that. Nor do I particularly want to subject my loyal readers (Hi, Mom! Hi, Mike!) to repeated bludgeoning with the obvious fact of my superiority as a human being by virtue of being associated with a winning athletic organization. So, having given the World Series victory (!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!) a week or so to mature and pass from immediate consciousness to the pantheon of things I can tell my grandchildren about (and for my brain cells to emerge from the beer-soaked haze that was Games 2, 3, and 4), it is time to turn our attention elsewhere in the world of sports.



I finally caught my first Bruins game of the season on Thursday: an exciting 4-3 overtime win over Buffalo. I was disappointed that I didn't get to see Manny Fernandez goaltend... apparently he stepped on a puck at the end of a practice last week and twisted his ankle. Um, really? Tim Thomas made 27 saves and looked great, though, so good for him. Unfortunately, the other two Bruins games this weekend did not go as well, as we lost to Ottawa (wow, I just learned how to spell that) twice, including a loss in a shootout (which we still get points for because the NHL is weird) last night. The B's are now 7-5-1, which should surprise you only inasmuch as I bet you had no idea we were already that deep into the hockey season.



The Celtics, by contrast, are only 2 games into their season, but they've won both of them. Last night's OT victory against Toronto was actually a pretty exciting watch; however, no one in New England cared, since it was going on during "Superbowl XLI 1/2" or whatever ridiculous name you feel like dubbing last night's football showdown. Ray Allen hit a 3-pointer with 2.6 seconds left in overtime to give Boston the win, 98-95. On a somewhat less jubilant note, Doc Rivers was not on hand to coach the game, as his father passed away yesterday. No sarc here whatsoever: I hope the Doc is doing well.

I'm dying to talk about the Pats/Colts game, but dammit I'm supposed to be AVOIDING Masshole-ness. Guhh. In the name of humility, I should mention that BC golden boy Matt Ryan suffered his first loss of the season at the hands of Florida State this weekend. Sigh. Too bad Boston is such a pro sports town that this will barely register as a blip on the radar of the average local fan, sated with victory after sweet, sweet victory as said fan already is. I am never moving.

Pirates vs. Ninjas: Finally, an answer!

This is a bit long-winded, but totally worth it.





http://www.wellingtongrey.net/miscellanea/archive/2007-07-25--pirates-vs-ninjas/pages/2007-07-25--pirates-vs-ninjas-03.html




For the record, given the choice, I would definitely rather be a pirate than a ninja. But that's just me.











Also, last night I finally caught up on this week's episode of "Bret Michaels' Rock of Love," a.k.a. The Greatest Reality Show Ever. There have only been 3 episodes of this VH1 gem so far, and I still have no qualms whatsover about giving it that label. Those of you who aren't watching this show yet: WHY NOT?! [insert baffled look on face of bouncer at The Burren here] There's something for everyone here, whether your interests swing to music, romance, football, motocross, or gigantic fake tits. Highlights of the show so far this season include:

• Bret Michaels making out with anything that isn't nailed down (and a few things that are)
• Heather and Tiffany, drunk, arguing over the "proper" way to execute a pole dance
• Bret having all the girls compete for who could give him the best phone sex, WHILE HE WAS HOOKED UP TO A PENIS READING MACHINE
• Two girls getting in a fight over whose enormous, fake, circus-looking boobs were less fake and circus-looking
• A big muscle-bound chick (Rodeo) putting another girl (Lacey) in a half-Nelson
• My favorite line from any TV show, ever: "Don't threaten me with a good time"
• Bret yelling "John, get my insulin!" every time the girls give him a lap dance or something and he starts getting worked up
• Repeated use of the whole rose/thorns metaphor

And, while I am not happy about how this week's elimination went, I am still 100% on board for the rest of the season.





[Just like eeeeeeeeeeeeeevery cowboy sings a sad, sad song]

Also, here's a little feel-good news to offset that tragic Minneapolis story this morning: Shawn Thornton making an appearance at a kids' hockey camp in Franklin. While Thornton's arrival in Boston is not quite as exciting as some of the other athlete landings we've had over the past couple of days, it does remind me of one thing: I fucking love hockey. It's definitely my favorite thing to watch in the baseball off-season (sigh), for one reason: nothing beats watching athletes who love their game. The thing that sets hockey players apart from any other breed of professional athlete is that they would play hockey no matter what. They would play it for free. If something crazy (like pineapple) happened to the Earth and we all had to relocate to the sun, hockey players would find a way to keep ice solid at 9,600 degrees (Thanks, Wikipedia!) so that they could keep playing. Hockey players are OBSESSED with hockey. Anyone who's ever attempted to date an amateur or semi-pro hockey player knows this. (Tip: if you do attempt this, DO NOT under any circumstances let drop that you like the movie "Slapshot" unless you want the damn thing quoted at you non-stop for the rest of the night. Sheesh.) And that's what makes hockey so damn fun to watch. That, and the fights. Ha. I'll be going to a pre-season game or two and then most likely amusing myself with a pre-season Bruins writeup, so if you want to learn more about hockey (particularly Bruins and BU hockey), hooray!

I miss Wayne Primeau, so here he is (I especially love this photo because of the skeptical-looking fat dude in the Joe Thornton jersey behind him... this photo must come from right after The Trade. Awkward!):