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It's no secret that I am Matt Groening's bitch. My family has Simpsons quote-offs whenever we're in the car together (my brother and father both do a mean Frink) and I've watched at least part of the Futurama movie pretty much every day since it came out. Thus, I was absolutely thrilled to find my way back to this old post on 82 Sluggo Win. (82 Sluggo Win, incidentally, is a bitchin' blog for Trojans fans like me and Mommy dearest.) It's a guide, and a brilliant, well-researched one at that, to properly invoking the words of The Simpsons during football playoffs -- yes, it's designed for the college bowl season, but I think you'll find it's readily adaptable to the Superbowl. Just replace "Lee Corso" with "Joe Buck," "Jeff Bowden" with "Tom Coughlin," and "Detroit" with "godforsaken desert wasteland."
"Rargh, my groin!"
I don't really understand what TV ratings numbers mean, but apparently a whole lot of people watched the Patriots go 16-0 on Saturday night. Which is great. Let the world fear us. Let them tremble before us. Let them watch in awe as we continue to lay waste to those teams foolish enough to challenge us. Mwah ha ha!
Ahem. Apparently, the game's rating was the highest rating any television program this entire season has obtained. Which makes sense, because there's seriously nothing worth watching on TV right now, especially since "The Office" turned into a boring touchy-feely show about relationships. Guhh. I kind of can't wait for "The Sarah Conner Chronicles," though... is that weird?
Also, according to ESPN.com: Saturday's game was the first three-way simulcast in league history.
Three-way simulcast, eh? Sounds hot. Like the league maybe had always wanted to try it, was kind of curious (who wouldn't be?), but needed to wait for the right opportunity to come along. Oh, the league might be a little self-conscious about having done it for the next couple of days or so, maybe even regret it a bit, but in the long run the league should feel good that it was able to let its inhibitions down and enjoy something like that. It's ok, league, we still respect you and promise not to tell our friends (*snicker*). Incidentally, I get that this whole Saturday Night Football thing is good for ratings, but I always thought that the point of football broadcasting was to legitimize the consumption of beer at times when it might not otherwise be socially acceptable. To me, a game is kind of wasted on a Saturday night. Then again, I did manage to get free drinks the entire night I was out on Saturday simply because I was wearing a Tom Brady jersey and the gentlemen around me were feeling magnanimous due to our victory. So that's always good.
Hurrah for the Denver Broncos. By defeating Vince Young and the Titans on MNF last night, the team improved to 5-5 and is now tied for first place in the cesspit of mediocrity that is the AFC West with the San Diego Chargers, and we all get to enjoy an asinine Tuesday morning lovefest celebrating the Bronco's singular accomplishment of no longer being losers. Still not winners, mind you, but non-losers nonetheless.
After the game, Brandon Marshall was boasting that "It's always been our division. It's time for us to take it back. San Diego, Kansas City, they don't have the talent like us in the locker room. They have star players but can't get it done like us." Uhh... seriously? The Broncos are 5-5. You know who else is 5-5? The Redskins. The Bills. The goddamn Houston Texans. Both AFC wildcards will probably end up with better records than Denver even if Denver does manage to hold onto the division over the Chargers, Chiefs (shudder), and Raiders (double shudder). So, seriously, spare me the congratulatory prose.
In case you're wondering about the gargantuan man whose picture is gracing this post, he's there because a Google image search for "Jay Cutler" turns up not images of the freshfaced former Vanderbilt QB who's currently leading his team to uninspired not-victory-but-not-defeat-either, but rather this other Jay Cutler, who is apparently some sort of famed bodybuilder from Massachusetts (clearly a Masshole. Look at the size of his cranial cavity compared with the rest of his body. Oh I love us). Google Image will, however, politely ask, "Did you mean 'Jay Cutler broncos'?"On another NFL note, are the Eagles seriously going to have to play the Pats without Donovan McNabb this weekend? The Eagles defense is allowing an average of 20.0 points per game this season, which puts them right in the middle of the NFL pack, but an average defense combined with a rookie quarterback (who has no actual season experience) against the Mack Daddy of all football teams, ever? Dear god. The spread on this game is going to have to be like 32.
Ok, the above rant about the Broncos hoopla is kind of mean, so here's this. What I really wanted to post was that South Park clip where they're in church and they all chant "Let's go Broncos," but since YouTube is now some sort of fascist state (In Soviet Russia, YouTube watches YOU!!!), I couldn't find it anywhere. So I'm posting the obvious clip from last week's South Park instead.
Former Atlanta Falcons QB and dogfighting enthusiast Michael "Ookie" "Ron Mexico" Vick surrendered to authorities this afternoon to begin serving jail time as he awaits his December 10th sentencing. Some are speculating that this move is calculated to curry favor with the judge and thus perhaps earn a more lenient sentence. Remember, though, that Vick has already been under house arrest between the hours of 10 pm and 6 am since September after testing positive for marijuana. So, I'm pretty sure he's only turning himself in because watching Nick at Nite without being high got old real fast.
I'll admit: I was prepared for a dull weekend of football as my beloved Patriots took a well-deserved bye from whomping on the entire rest of the NFL. But, lo and behold, the gridiron rose to the occasion and offered up enough excitement to carry me through, ensconced as I was on my couch underneath my comforter and a pile of used Kleenex. Colds suck. However, I will say that being sick this weekend and having to spend my entire Saturday indoors enabled me to justify watching something like 9 consecutive hours of college football on Saturday. Hooray!
First came the unbelievable Illinois upset of previously undefeated Ohio State. I love good underdog wins, so I'd be excited, except for the fact that the guy I went on the WORST DATE EVER with this spring went to Illinois and I am now permanently biased against anyone affiliated with said university. Yes, this is the guy who was rude to the waitress in front of me, then snuck away later to give her his number, then asked me to take off my hat "so he could see if I was actually cute or not." Oh, and then told me I had terrible taste in movies because I hadn't seen "The Grudge." Oh, and was responsible for the following exchange, which happened at the very beginning of the date and pretty much set the tone for the rest of the evening:
Him: (orders two beers)
Me: (reaches out to take one) Thanks.
Him: Oh, these are both for me.
Me: (laughs, assuming he's kidding)
Him: (looks at me meaningfully, then sips slowly and deliberately from each of the two beers he's holding)
Me: Uh. Right. I'll just go ahead and order my own, then.
Yikes. Painful memories. Sorry, Illinois... you're on my shit list. Permanently.
Afterwards, I watched Florida State blow it in the 4th to lose to Virginia Tech, 40-21, then switched to BC vs. Maryland, which turned into the Eagles giving up another super-disappointing loss and everybody in Boston remembering why we never bother giving a crap about college sports outside of the Beanpot. Sorry, Matt Ryan.
I have to admit, though, that my attention was not focused on the BC game: on another field, miles away, my beloved Tim Tebow was having a career game in what is already a career season for the U of F sophomore.
The Gators rolled over South Carolina 51-31 as Tebow scored 5 rushing touchdowns (nice themed color emphasis there, eh?) and passed for 2 more for a total of 424 offensive yards. Dear lord in heaven. This kid is a beast. I think there may have been a few other players on the field for Florida, but you wouldn't know it; every time the Gators got within the 10-yard line, they pretty much had only one play in mind: let Tim Tebow run it in. I love this kid. I love watching him play. I love watching him drink from those little Gatorade cups with his big, hammy hands on the sideline. I hope he wins the Heisman for this year and every subsequent year, in perpetuity.
Speaking of quarterbacks I love, and transitioning seamlessly to pro football, HOORAY FOR REX GROSSMAN! It pained me so much to see my favorite (despite the incessant mocking I get) QB benched earlier this season, and nothing was sweeter than his spectacular 59-yard pass to Bernard Berrian with 3:11 left in the 4th to lift the Bears over the Raiders; the Bears would go on to win 17-6. I'm so happy. And so is Rex. Look at him smiling up there. Look how cute he is. Doesn't that make you happy?Ahem. In other NFL news: the Colts LOST AGAIN, which I'm pretty sure was in some way caused by Randy Moss; Matt Hasselbeck looked decent on MNF; Adrian Peterson got hurt but will probably only miss one game; everyone trying to convince you that Cowboys-Giants would somehow be an interesting contest was proven wrong; Brett Favre remained successful in his season quest to prove he can still be a dominant QB as Packers fans remained completely batshit. (Yes, the story is old, but they're still batshit over there.)
Oh, and the Celts are 5-0 as of Saturday. Does winning 82 games sound like an unreasonable goal to anyone? It shouldn't.
Wow... I got through an entire post without mentioning baseball... wait! Crap! Does that count? Does mentioning that I didn't mention something count as a mention? Does mentioning that I mentioned not mentioning something, but without specifically mentioning it, count as mentioning, or mentioning a non-mention?
If you can explain that last sentence to me, you win half of a curried tuna sandwich. Or a packet of Splenda.
Sometimes, you can have too much of a good thing. Like baseball, which I am overdosing on right now. To offset the NL-lovefest I posted earlier, please enjoy the following, from the oh-so-fantastic LolJocks:http://loljocks.blogspot.com/2007/10/tom-bradys-stetson-commercial.htmlOn a completely unrelated note the new ads for Halo 3 feature a clip from the middle section of Chopin's "Raindrops Prelude," which was one of my signature performance pieces at the conservatory during high school. It's always nice when little fragments of your dorkdom come back to haunt you in mysterious, gun-toting ways. Having lived through one semester of being a Halo widow in college, I am skeptical of the new game... but this commerical kind of gives me chills, in a good way. If I wasn't going to be so busy playing Robo during the Sox game tonight, perhaps I'd give it a try...
Um. Not to count my chickens or anything. But dear lord did the Pats look good last night. Coming off 2 ugly preseason losses, it was absolutely delightful to see them playing good football and embarrassing the hell out of the Panthers along the way. The offense was a tad wimpy at first, but had a turnaround about halfway through the 1st quarter when Belichick had them run it on a 4th down rather than going for the field goal, as if to say "ENOUGH MESSING AROUND YOU PANSIES." Immediately thereafter, the Pats pulled it together for a string of nice-looking 1st downs and ended up outscoring Carolina 24-7. Despite coming off what was undoubtedly a nerve-wracking couple of days, baby daddy Tom Brady threw some great passes and also let Maroney do that thing he does so well. Oh man, did I enjoy this game. And, despite Samuel continuing to hold out on contract nonsense and Moss' absence, last night really hammered home how many, many reasons there are to be excited about the Patriots this season. - Our linebacker crew. Holy crap. Teddy Bruschi, Mike Vrabel, Rosevelt Colvin, and Adalius Thomas. Just writing those names all together gets me excited. These men are an unbreakable wall of defense. Just try and run one of your pretty little plays against us, Peyton.
- Laurence Maroney's running game. Watching Maroney last night, it was clear that he is still getting used to his increased role due to the departure of Corey Dillon, the seasoned Pats veteran who taught Maroney much of what he knows. Over and over in the first quarter, we saw Maroney getting taken down at the line of scrimmage as he struggled to plow through Carolina's defense. But he did have some great runs earning a total of 58 yards, and it was thrilling to see how obviously he relishes being Tom Brady's go-to man on running plays. After several weeks of no-contact practice, he was ready to take the hits and run his game. He is going to have a spectacular season, no question.
- All those options. Dante Stalworth caught some great passes last night, as did Reche Caldwell and Marcellus Rivers. Even Heath Evans mysteriously turned wide receiver on a play last night, running the ball a good 20 yards before he suddenly appeared to remember "hey, I'm a fullback" and decided to put his shoulder into a couple of players on his way down. Oh, and let's not forget Wes Welker, a recent acquisition from Miami, whose sure hands are a nice compliment to speedy WR Stalworth. When Brady finally decided to pick his head up and throw the ball, he had a plethora of options to connect with for some great plays. You'd expect there to be less of a passing game without Moss, and there was, but it was still clear that Moss will be only one more part of a controlled and efficient offense.
- Still waiting to see what Brandon Meriweather can do. The Pats' first-round pick did an effective job of shutting down Carolina's corners last night, but he's yet to be in a situation where we can see why he earned that first-round status. And I'm sure we will.
- Um, our quarterback is REALLY GOOD. Like, it's almost to obvious to be worth pointing out, but hot DAMN. Sometimes you forget that one of the things that has made New England the team of the decade is that we have such a clearheaded and accurate man running our offense. Brady's still got it, kids, and I am looking forward to see what he does with the Patriots this season, given the aforementioned awesomely good offense that he has to work with.
Other highlights of the game included: 22 New England first downs to the Panthers' 13; two sacks on Carolina, one from Vrabel and one from rookie Justin Rogers; Jake Delhomme looking like that guy at a bar who has really attractive friends, but is himself kind of awkward, so you get stuck wingmanning on him while your friends chat up his cute blond cohorts, but he buys you a drink so you feel obligated to let him think he has a chance with you; Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf's huge man-crush on Laurence Maroney; half a quarter's worth of solid play from backup QB Matt Cassel, who somehow manages to have even more impossibly chiseled features than Brady (and who played backup to both Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart at USC, making him officially "that guy"); repeated use of the word "Sackmeister." There's one more preseason game against the Giants left, and then the Pats take on the Jets at home on September 9 for the season kickoff. Yeah, that should go pretty well.
And there you have it: my completely unbiased critique of the 2007 Patriots. I'm already ordering my custom napkins for the Superbowl party.
So, it appears that Laurence Maroney (of Koolaid fame) will being seeing his first pre-season action tomorrow as the Pats head to Carolina (South? North? Who gives a crap?). In a little news item in the Patriots' website, Maroney chats about how this season will be different from his rookie season, and how it felt to finally take off his red no-hit jersey and start getting down and dirty in practice. Sigh... a guy nicknamed Koolaid... headline is "Maroney isn't seeing red anymore"... there's a joke there, I guess, but it's not that funny and I'm kind of lethargic right now. Disappointed, to, to learn that neither Asante Samuel nor Randy Moss has been at practice yet. But I'll be looking forward to seeing the always-entertaining Maroney play tomorrow. I'll be spending my time until then deciding whether or not I want to buy a Laurence Maroney bobblehead. (What? No rhinestone Koolaid pendant? Wtf is this?!)Two Laurence Maroney-referencing posts in one day. Incredible.
Every Day Should Be Saturday has a simply amazing entry up from yesterday: The Facebook entry of Marques "Grand Marques" (as billed by his own Facebook page) Slocum, defensive tackle for Michigan. Oh, this is even better than Laurence "Koolaid" Maroney's cryptic assertions that it's "bout time we got some construda in dis mothafucka." Some highlights off a quiz that Marques filled out:
Do you have any pets, and if so what do you have?i got a fuck lion now come fuck with meWhen do you plan on getting married?it don't matta cuz i hope my wife know ima be a playa 4 lifeGet the number or give the number?i would have 2 say bof
Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?
what da fuck! i needs bof of my muthafuckin body parts
Do you eat cold cereal at night?what da fuck is cold cerealand my own personal favorite:Where is Waldo?i killed dat punk muthafucka he owed me moneyI really don't even need to add any commentary to this. This guy sounds amazing. Please, please read the whole quiz over at EDSBS, because it's just too incredible for words. In fact, I'm going to Facebook friend him right now. Let's see if he accepts. And, now I'm more excited than ever for college football season to start. Michigan's season kicks off in just a little over a week against Appalachian State, and I literally cannot wait to see Mr. Slocum sack the everloving hell out of their unsuspecting quarterback. Oh, you can bet he'll be using his arms. Bof of them.
In one of the more anticipated (inasmuch as a preseason game can be anticipated, which is not very much) preseason matchups so far, Indianapolis squared off against Chicago in a rematch of last season's SuperBowl last night, with surprising results. Oh, wait: Nope, they weren't surprising at all. 3 fumbles (two of which were on snaps), an interception, and a sack? Yep, that's Rex Grossman, alright. Fortunately for the Bears (you know what I just realized? Cubs are baby Bears. How cute for Chicago!), the other Adrian Peterson scored on a 1-yard run in the 3rd quarter to give Chicago a 24-17 advantage, which Nick Novak followed up with a field goal shortly afterwards. Final score: Bears 27, Colts 24.
After the game, Grossman was his usual humble self, blaming the fumble snaps on the noisy stadium crowds (shh, dammit! I'm trying to play football here) and assuring Chicago fans, "I promise you it won't be a problem. It won't happen again." Sure thang, Rexy. Whatever you say. According to my handy-dandy QB rating calculator, his 9-for-11 pass completion coupled with those stats above result in a dismal 51.53 rating for this game. Really, when you think about it, there's nowhere to go but up from here.
I should be honest here, though: I actually like Rex Grossman quite a bit. He's entertaining as hell to watch, since he can always be counted on to a) throw a spectacular long pass for a TD or b) do something outlandishly boneheaded that results in a turnover, both of which are fun to see as long as you're not a Bears fan. Plus, I am endlessly amused by his cockiness. As a New England fan, I obviously adore Tom Brady, but he's just so damn likeable that I sometimes think it would be fun to have a QB that I could love to hate, rather than one who cuddles goats and has an infuriatingly adorable butt-chin.
And because no Rex Grossman-related post would be complete without a link to the greatest sports blog entry ever, here it is.
What's that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That's gay.
God, football season is so close I can taste it. Pats/Panthers on Friday? Bring it. SuperBowl 2004, beeyotches. [Somewhat tangential note: WHEN are they going to stop naming SuperBowls with Roman numerals? It takes me like 15 minutes to figure out what game they're talking about. (Rocky II + Rocky V = ... Rocky VII, Adrian's Revenge!) And I'm a freaking Ivy League grad. Surely a switch to Arabic numerals is in order... plus, the not-so-far-down-the-road SuperBowl L is just a really anticlimactic name for the 50th anniversary of The Greatest Single Sporting Event In The World. Let's let it go already.]
Fun football fact: As I was writing this, I got an email about season tickets to Princeton football. The cost: $25 for the season. Ha. Aha. Ahahahahahaha.
In breaking news today: Michael Vick has pleaded guilty to any and all dogfighting-related charges, in perpetuity. This comes after three of Vick's co-defendants had already decided to turn stool pigeon and agreed to testify against Vick in court. The plea, which is scheduled for a hearing on August 27 (Happy birthday, Dad!), could result in a prison sentence and/or a fine of up to $250,000. Not yet clear what kind of punishment Roger Goodell will be handing down, but one thing is for sure: this is Bad Newz (ha! see what I did there?) for Ron Mexico.
Also, seeing as how we're already in the thick of preseason shenanigans, I find it kind of sad that this is my first (and, thus far, only) football-related post. I'll get on that ASAP.
