The Celtics are headed to the playoffs!

Why do I feel like KG might be singing to the ball in this picture? Perhaps it's a still from the upcoming musical adaptation of the Celtics' 2008 season?

This surely doesn't come as surprising news -- I think everyone's been expecting to see the C's make it to the playoffs since before the season even started. But last night's 90-78 victory over Detroit sealed the deal, making the Celtics the first team in the NBA to earn a berth in this year's playoffs with a month and a half still left to play. Chauncy Billups was on Rajon Rondo like cheese on nachos and still couldn't hold him, as Rondo scored 16; Kevin Garnett contributed a season-high 31 points; Kendrick Perkins had 20 FREAKING BOARDS. It was a close game most of the way until the C's went on a 12-0 tear with around 5 minutes left in the 4th quarter and made it official. Well done, boys. This girl's proud of you.

Yeah, yeah. Western Conference ridiculously competitive stronger defense faster level of play more playoffs experience blah blah. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Slumpbusting!

Holy crap. It's been 17 days since I posted something about baseball.

Well, the dry spell is over, since this story is just TOO absurd to pass up.



According to the New York Times (which means I get to treat this story as credible, even though the tip comes from an anonymous, unverified source), former baseball player/grade-A assmunch Jose Canseco attempted to blackmail AL batting champ Magglio Ordonez (feel free to draw in the little squiggly above the n) by demanding that Magglio invest in an upcoming film venture in exchange for having his name left out of Canseco's new book, "Vindicated."

I love Magglio's response to the whole thing:

“I didn’t want to press charges against him,” Ordóñez said. “I don’t want any problems. He is probably desperate for money. I don’t understand why he is trying to put people down.”

What a heady mix of compassion and disdain. Like a wealthy socialite dropping a $20 in a hobo's cup. Like Matt Lauer interviewing Britney Spears. Like Tom Brady writing his child support checks to Bridget Moynahan.

Canseco also tried to blackmail Magglio's agent, the irrepressible Scott Boras. God, what a moron. Boras might just be the craftiest sonofabitch in America. Bud Selig is afraid of him. Does Canseco really believe that he and his big fat head and his clumsy attempts to tarnish the reputations of other, better athletes are going to pull one over on Boras?

I could hate on Jose Canseco all day.





In other news, I finally went to my first Celtics game of the season last night, only to watch my boys drop a heated contest to the Raptors, 114-112. I've got to admit, though: much as I like to hate on bandwagon fans, it's fun to go to the Garden for a game and have it feel alive again. Good times were had by all. Also, I'll never quite get over the way everyone goes nuts every time Brian Scalabrine sinks a 2-pointer or does something else fairly unremarkable that any professional basketball player should be able to do. I guess The Onion was on to something...

In praise of meaty quarterbacks

I'll admit: I was prepared for a dull weekend of football as my beloved Patriots took a well-deserved bye from whomping on the entire rest of the NFL. But, lo and behold, the gridiron rose to the occasion and offered up enough excitement to carry me through, ensconced as I was on my couch underneath my comforter and a pile of used Kleenex. Colds suck. However, I will say that being sick this weekend and having to spend my entire Saturday indoors enabled me to justify watching something like 9 consecutive hours of college football on Saturday. Hooray!

First came the unbelievable Illinois upset of previously undefeated Ohio State. I love good underdog wins, so I'd be excited, except for the fact that the guy I went on the WORST DATE EVER with this spring went to Illinois and I am now permanently biased against anyone affiliated with said university. Yes, this is the guy who was rude to the waitress in front of me, then snuck away later to give her his number, then asked me to take off my hat "so he could see if I was actually cute or not." Oh, and then told me I had terrible taste in movies because I hadn't seen "The Grudge." Oh, and was responsible for the following exchange, which happened at the very beginning of the date and pretty much set the tone for the rest of the evening:

Him: (orders two beers)
Me: (reaches out to take one) Thanks.
Him: Oh, these are both for me.
Me: (laughs, assuming he's kidding)
Him: (looks at me meaningfully, then sips slowly and deliberately from each of the two beers he's holding)
Me: Uh. Right. I'll just go ahead and order my own, then.

Yikes. Painful memories. Sorry, Illinois... you're on my shit list. Permanently.

Afterwards, I watched Florida State blow it in the 4th to lose to Virginia Tech, 40-21, then switched to BC vs. Maryland, which turned into the Eagles giving up another super-disappointing loss and everybody in Boston remembering why we never bother giving a crap about college sports outside of the Beanpot. Sorry, Matt Ryan.

I have to admit, though, that my attention was not focused on the BC game: on another field, miles away, my beloved Tim Tebow was having a career game in what is already a career season for the U of F sophomore.



The Gators rolled over South Carolina 51-31 as Tebow scored 5 rushing touchdowns (nice themed color emphasis there, eh?) and passed for 2 more for a total of 424 offensive yards. Dear lord in heaven. This kid is a beast. I think there may have been a few other players on the field for Florida, but you wouldn't know it; every time the Gators got within the 10-yard line, they pretty much had only one play in mind: let Tim Tebow run it in. I love this kid. I love watching him play. I love watching him drink from those little Gatorade cups with his big, hammy hands on the sideline. I hope he wins the Heisman for this year and every subsequent year, in perpetuity.


Speaking of quarterbacks I love, and transitioning seamlessly to pro football, HOORAY FOR REX GROSSMAN! It pained me so much to see my favorite (despite the incessant mocking I get) QB benched earlier this season, and nothing was sweeter than his spectacular 59-yard pass to Bernard Berrian with 3:11 left in the 4th to lift the Bears over the Raiders; the Bears would go on to win 17-6. I'm so happy. And so is Rex. Look at him smiling up there. Look how cute he is. Doesn't that make you happy?

Ahem. In other NFL news: the Colts LOST AGAIN, which I'm pretty sure was in some way caused by Randy Moss; Matt Hasselbeck looked decent on MNF; Adrian Peterson got hurt but will probably only miss one game; everyone trying to convince you that Cowboys-Giants would somehow be an interesting contest was proven wrong; Brett Favre remained successful in his season quest to prove he can still be a dominant QB as Packers fans remained completely batshit. (Yes, the story is old, but they're still batshit over there.)

Oh, and the Celts are 5-0 as of Saturday. Does winning 82 games sound like an unreasonable goal to anyone? It shouldn't.

Wow... I got through an entire post without mentioning baseball... wait! Crap! Does that count? Does mentioning that I didn't mention something count as a mention? Does mentioning that I mentioned not mentioning something, but without specifically mentioning it, count as mentioning, or mentioning a non-mention?

If you can explain that last sentence to me, you win half of a curried tuna sandwich. Or a packet of Splenda.