Thursday, January 3, 2008

Jose Canseco is a douchebag

Talk about pleonastic headlines.

This story is about a week old at this point, but I had to say something about it. Apparently, Jose Canseco is planning a sequel to his book "Juiced," in which he revealed the shocking truths that a) sometimes baseball players take steroids, and b) he is a pathetic washed-up ballplayer desperate for one more shot at the limelight. God, there are so many things about this story that piss me off. For one, the idea that Canseco, a man who should have absolutely no credibility in the world of baseball whatsoever, is somehow being led to believe that his word alone is enough to indict other players and call their accomplishments into question. For another thing:

Disappointed by the Mitchell report, Canseco hopes to publish "an unjaundiced view, without the rose-colored glasses" of steroid use in baseball, Saunooke told The Post.

The mangled attempt at figurative language here is slaying me. Are we talking jaundice (condition in which your eyes turn yellow) or rose-colored glasses (presumably pink)? What does this even mean? Moreover:

"The book is basically going to be -- I don't want to say an attack -- but it will be a clarification of why certain names should have been mentioned [in the Mitchell report] that were not mentioned," Saunooke said of the new book. "We had hoped that the Mitchell report would have been more revealing. It basically ended up being nothing more than [Mitchell saying], 'I talked to a lot of people, some people wouldn't talk to me and it's up to the commissioner,'" Saunooke told The Daily News.

So, I'm sorry... Canseco's issue with the Mitchell Report is that it's too honest and doesn't grossly overstep the bounds of its credibility? How dare you create a report in which you merely summarize the facts and cede authority to the acting commissioner of baseball, George Mitchell? Good steroid reports should clearly be a series of exaggerations, accusations, and half-assed attempts to drag others down into the reeking cesspit of failure and self-aggrandizement your own career has become. Conducting objective research is for bitches.

Yep, this story actually has me defending the Mitchell Report. That's how mad it makes me.

It's funny. Ordinarily, I'd feel bad for a guy who went from Rookie of the Year to laughingstock after he blew out his arm PITCHING (of all things) to playing for crappy minor league teams. But seriously, Jose? I hope you die.

1 comment:

Big Tex said...

where would we be without jose? so many missed jokes. such as creating a sexual maneuver known as "the canseco knuckleball".