Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Sports are boring

See, this is why I hate the baseball offseason. Every once in a while, there's just NOTHING going on in sports for me to care about. Seriously, I could have written a sports digest for the day without even turning on the TV. The stories are just so predictable: Roger Clemens is dragging his feet on testifying about his steroid use. Paul Spicer said some boneheaded things and the Patriots are mad. People are mad about the BCS system and demanding that it be changed. T. O. is a huge bitch. Blah blah blah.

You can tell even ESPN is bored:

You know what the numbers mean even without the names attached: 100, .406, 2,003, 1.12.

Now we can add Tom Brady's 50 touchdown passes. Athletes talk about playing in a zone -- Brady was there for an entire season, which is why we add his name to our list of 25 greatest individual seasons in sports history:

Yeah, this is what sportswriters do when there's nothing else going on. They make lists and give them ridiculous titles like "The 25 Greatest Individual Seasons Ever" to lend them a sense of portent when the bottom line is that they're just subjective lists that don't make a hoot of difference to anyone or anything. If I wanted senseless, retroactive list-making, I'd watch me some gat damn VH1 (Top 10 Celebrity Meltdowns! The 50 Hottest Bodies -- Part 2!) Come on, sports. I want drama. I want hockey outside. I want intern scandals. I WANT DONTRELLE WILLIS.

Ok, fine, maybe I'm just ornery because Jason Richardson just freaking TORE UP the Celtics. The officiating sucked, and we didn't have Ray Allen to do this, and it's just not fair, and I don't WANT to have to wait until Saturday to watch the Patriots crush Jacksonville like leetle ants (it's more fun if you say those last 7 words with a thick Russian accent).

K I'm done now.

Also: do NOT Google Image-search "bored" without your SafeSearch on. You've been warned.

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