I got your 2008 NL Central prediction... RIGHT HERE

I'm not generally a huge fan of the "Let's make fun of sports fans we don't consider as intelligent as us" meme from Deadspin (although I occasionally chime in when I'm feeling that perfect combination of bitchy and clever). However, I simply had to share this picture from the profile of today's Featured ESPN commentor of the day, a gentleman who bills himself as die_hard_stlfan:




Now that, my friends, is how painted, pasty man-back-fat should look.

Incidentally, as long as we're talking about the Cards, I'd like to point out that they're currently beating Santana and the Mets 4-3. Pujols hit a home run, because that is what he does. Good for them. The Braves are shelling the Dodgers 10-2, and the Orioles and Marlins are deadlocked at 5-5 in another grapple for the title of Marginally Less Crappy Eastern Seaboard Team.

Spring Training games, Day 2: Update!

Nah, this picture's not from yesterday, but I don't care. And neither should you.

It's Day 3 of the Spring Training games! Here's a look at yesterday's games:

• Braves v. Dodgers: Given the opportunity, would you kick Jason Schmidt in the nuts? In a recent survey, a whopping 85% of Dodgers fans replied that yes, yes they would. The remaining 15% also expressed a desire to kick Jason Schmidt in the nuts, but added that they would like to be screaming "Give us back our money you chubby hack!" while doing so. Well, the answer to that question surely hasn't changed, as Schmidt apparently threw 53 pitches in a workout and spent the rest of the afternoon whining about it. Maybe Alyssa Milano can cheer him up. This game played out just as you would expect a dull game between two mediocre NL teams to. Dodgers won, and Andruw Jones scored even though he is fat. 5-4, Los Angeles.

• Marlins v. Orioles: Which of these two supposed "youth movements" is less likely to result in gross humiliation this season? Uh, I'm going to have to go with Florida on that one, as the Orioles got completely shelled yesterday. Hanley Ramirez stole two bases because he is amazing. Could it be that Tampa Bay might actually NOT finish dead last in the AL East this year? Eh, who cares. At least the Orioles' bullpen only gave up 16 runs, and not 30. 16-3, Florida.

• Astros v. Indians: I mean, I guess we could ask whether or not the Indians look as primed for success as they did last season. But I think the question everyone's REALLY concerned with is this: Are Grady Sizemore's features still as boyishly handsome as ever? The Tribe was mostly concerned with giving their prospects a chance to demonstrate what they can do offensively yesterday, and the up-and-comers delivered in stellar fashion. Grady still looks great, though. Today's game should actually be more exciting, as Paul Byrd and Roy Oswalt square off. 12-2, Cleveland.

• Mets v. Cardinals: Can the underdog Cards rally to hold off the Mets in the wake of the Scott Spiezio scandal? (And does Spiezio really need all those vowels in his name?) Will the Cards actually have someone to put on the mound come opening day? Will Tony LaRussa's plan to bat the pitcher 8th be in any way effective? How many home runs will Rick Ankiel hit and then subsequently dedicate to me? SO MANY QUESTIONS! Well slap me silly, 'cause the Cards' pitching actually looked pretty decent yesterday as they shut out the Mets. David Wright almost ruined the shutout with a run-scoring double in the 2nd, but my darling Rick was there to rob him of the hit and save the day. 7-0, St. Louis. From the Post-Dispatch:

JUPITER, Fla. -- The words Cards outfielder Chris Duncan settled on as the best way to describe it were: "pretty sick."

In the first inning of Thursday's spring opener, Rick Ankiel sprinted to catch a deep fly ball to left-center hit by Mets third baseman David Wright.

Ankiel dove and snared the ball with a shoestring catch. When he thudded on the warning track, the ball popped out of his glove and he snatched it again to secure the out.

"Might have changed the game," manager Tony La Russa said.

• Pirates v. Phillies: Um, how much does it suck being from Pennsylvania? Unless you're Amish, of course. They get away with everything. The Phillies irritate me for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, so I enjoyed reading that the hapless Pirates were able to stomp all over their Eastern Pennsylvania counterparts. Ryan Howard homered, but so did Adam LaRoche (the sleeper pick in every fantasy draft; a truly underrated player). 11-6, Pittsburgh.

• Blue Jays v. Tigers: Roy Halladay: miraculous granter of childhood wishes, or bucket-defouling jerk? Once again, my boy Magglio, along with Curtis Granderson, was the star of the game. Of the Jays' pitchers, Chacin looked the best. I know it's early, but it already seems pretty clear that Detroit is the team to beat in the AL this year. No word on Halladay... yet. 4-1, Detroit.

• White Sox v. Rockies: Do Clint Hurdle and Ozzie Guillen hate one another? I feel like they must. Heh. The Rockies' pitching got shelled last night. Nick Swisher and Jose Contreras both looked great. I actually think the White Sox are going to be a decent team this year -- too bad they're stuck in a division with the Tigers. 12-3, Chicago.

• Cubs v. Giants: If the Giants play a baseball game without Barry Bonds, does the media even bother to show up? Yes, but that sure doesn't guarantee anything else for the Giants. Kosuke got plunked on his first plate appearance of the preseason and reached base on both of his other at-bats as well, so this looks pretty promising for the Cubs. Ryan Dempster was also in decent form last night. I'd say it was a good day to be from Chicago, regardless of who your baseball team is; maybe this will help you forget about your dismal QB situation. 12-6, Chicago.

• Rockies v. Diamondbacks: Why does this sound familiar? Yup, this game was just as dull as its October predecessor, ending in a tie. The Rockies sure aren't looking much like the team everyone was waxing poetic about last fall. Maybe they can whine about how they had too much downtime, and that's affecting their performance or something. 5-5, nobody.

• Athletics v. Brewers: Will Billy Beane's offseason fire sale pay off despite the fact that the A's are officially 65% less entertaining without Nick Swisher? I mean... you can't really expect a gutted AL West team to look too good against the likes of Prince Fielder and Ryan Braun. For the record, I like the Brewers to win the NL Central this year. Maybe Eric Gagne will even help a little. 7-1, Brewers.

• Rangers v. Angels: Seriously, how nasty is Vlad? Torii Hunter and Gary Matthews Jr. were actually the offensive leaders yesterday, but I'm pretty sure Vlad is still nasty. Kason Gabbard struck out 3 over 2 innings for Texas. The game ended in a tie. 3-3, nobody.

Note: I inadvertently left off the Reds-Twins game yesterday. Two crappy central-division teams. Eh. Cincinnati won, 6-1. I have at least one reader whom this will make happy.



RED SOX SPRING TRAINING OPENER VS. THE TWINS TODAY. I'm not sure I'll have time to do my little preview of all the games today, but Johan Santana is pitching for the Mets for the first time today. That should be exciting. As for me, I'll be glued to my TV from 7 pm onwards. GO SOX!

Spring Training games, Day 2

Not pictured: wads and wads of money being flushed down the toilet.

A full day of preseason action today. Hooray! Here's a rundown of the burning questions today's games will hopefully answer:

• Braves v. Dodgers: Given the opportunity, would you kick Jason Schmidt in the nuts? In a recent survey, a whopping 85% of Dodgers fans replied that yes, yes they would. The remaining 15% also expressed a desire to kick Jason Schmidt in the nuts, but added that they would like to be screaming "Give us back our money you chubby hack!" while doing so.

• Marlins v. Orioles: Which of these two supposed "youth movements" is less likely to result in gross humiliation this season?

• Astros v. Indians: I mean, I guess we could ask whether or not the Indians look as primed for success as they did last season. But I think the question everyone's REALLY concerned with is this: Are Grady Sizemore's features still as boyishly handsome as ever?

• Mets v. Cardinals: Can the underdog Cards rally to hold off the Mets in the wake of the Scott Spiezio scandal? (And does Spiezio really need all those vowels in his name?) Will the Cards actually have someone to put on the mound come opening day? Will Tony LaRussa's plan to bat the pitcher 8th be in any way effective? How many home runs will Rick Ankiel hit and then subsequently dedicate to me? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

• Pirates v. Phillies: Um, how much does it suck being from Pennsylvania? Unless you're Amish, of course. They get away with everything.

• Blue Jays v. Tigers: Roy Halladay: miraculous granter of childhood wishes, or bucket-defouling jerk?

• White Sox v. Rockies: Do Clint Hurdle and Ozzie Guillen hate one another? I feel like they must.

• Cubs v. Giants: If the Giants play a baseball game without Barry Bonds, does the media even bother to show up?

• Rockies v. Diamondbacks: Why does this sound familiar?

• Athletics v. Brewers: Will Billy Beane's offseason fire sale pay off despite the fact that the A's are officially 65% less entertaining without Nick Swisher?

• Rangers v. Angels: Seriously, how nasty is Vlad?

Note: The Red Sox are also playing two exhibition games against BC and Northeastern today, but I've been sticking to the major-league matchups.

Happy watching/listening today!

Spring Training games, Day 1: Update!

Magglio Ordóñez' smile could melt the polar ice caps. If global warming were a joke, that is. Which it's not. Anyway, this might be my favorite picture of him ever.

The first day of exhibition games is officially under our belt. This morning, the air was filled with questions. Let us assess what we have learned since then:

• Reds v. Phillies: Will Dusty Baker actually be a decent manager now that he doesn't have phenomenal pitching talent to run into the ground through overuse? Heh. Nope. The Phillies stomped all over the hapless Reds, as Jamie Moyer hurled 3 scoreless innings and Ryan Howard emphatically demonstrated just how much he deserves his new raise. Any Lou Piniella detractors in the Chicago area should be silent as they ponder just how much worse it could be. The lone ray of light for Cincinnati was that Jeremy Affeldt pitched a fairly decent couple of innings. 8-1, Philadelphia.

• Mets v. Tigers: Will Detroit now be ridiculously, mindblowingly good, or just really really good? Cabrera and Willis didn't factor into Detroit's win, but you can bet your sweet ass Magglio Ordóñez did. With Miggy hitting behind Magglio (holy cow that's a lot of G's in one sentence), I'm going to go ahead and say that yeah, Detroit looks scary this year. Neither team appears to have plans to start its new ace any time soon, however, so we'll have to wait and see on that one. 4-2, Detroit.

• Rockies v. White Sox: Will Orlando Cabrera's production at the top of the lineup make up for the loss of Jon Garland and his pretty-boy facial hair? Actually, I think it will, but the Other Sox didn't look so hot this afternoon. The Rockies came out swinging (sorry) and put together a strong offensive showing behind Holliday and Tulowitzki. 7-3, Colorado.

• Royals v. Rangers: Can two teams with no pitching staff to speak of actually complete a full-length major league baseball game? Apparently so. I've literally never heard of any of the people who pitched for either team today. I've heard of Gil Meche and Kason Gabbard (wahhhhhh Kason I take it all back), who are both pitching in the next games for their respective teams, so I'll be more informed for those. I feel like the only way for a game between two crappy teams to end is with one beating the other significantly, and such was the case here. 6-1, Texas.

• Nationals v. Marlins: No questions here: Either way, Jeffrey Loria is delighted at the misery he leaves in his wake. And, as it turns out, there was no actual winner in this game (exhibition games can end in ties), so he's happy. That's one of the great truisms of our times, in fact: when nobody wins, only Jeffrey Loria is happy. And hot damn is he happy. On the plus side for the Marlins, Scott Olsen managed to make it through 2 whole innings without getting tased for anything. 3-3, the rest of the NL East.

Tomorrow's games to come, well, tomorrow.

Does anyone else find those Cheetos "Underground" commercials really creepy? They make me kind of uncomfortable.

Spring Training games, Day 1

In case you hadn't heard, Spring Training games officially got under way today. At long last, the questions you've been losing sleep over during the offseason will finally be answered:

Reds v. Phillies: Will Dusty Baker actually be a decent manager now that he doesn't have phenomenal pitching talent to run into the ground through overuse?

Mets v. Tigers: Will Detroit now be ridiculously, mindblowingly good, or just really really good?

Rockies v. White Sox: Will Orlando Cabrera's production at the top of the lineup make up for the loss of Jon Garland and his pretty-boy facial hair?

Royals v. Rangers: Can two teams with no pitching staff to speak of actually complete a full-length major league baseball game?

Nationals v. Marlins: No questions here: Either way, Jeffrey Loria is delighted at the misery he leaves in his wake.

Update: One of the guys at Walk Off Walk actually had the mental fortitude to live-blog an XM radio broadcast of the Reds' loss to the Phillies. Apparently Jamie Moyer can still pitch in between getting surgery and making weird old-man noises every time he gets up from the bench. Who knew?

Spring Training!

So it's less than a week until the first preseason games, and the excitement is palpable. At least, it is in my half of the apartment. By which I mean I'm really excited. Noteworthy items this week:

• Roger Clemens to work out with Astros' minor leaguers after promising not to throw at his son's head
• Miguel Cabrera now 15 pounds lighter, still pretty fat
• Hanley Ramirez adorable and media-friendly; will likely be out for the season after attempt to metaphorically saw off his leg to escape the contract that has him chained to Pro Player Stadium until 2012 results in real, non-metaphorical injury
• Fans, baseball writers once again expressing excitement over Rickie Weeks even though any fantasy owner can tell you he did them NO FUCKING GOOD last year
• Mark DeRosa suffering from irregular heartbeat brought on from entire season of waking up in the middle of the night to see Lou Piniella standing over his bed and breathing heavily
• Cardinals still desperately searching to round out their starting rotation; Rick Ankiel (xoxo) backing quietly out of the room whenever the discussion comes up
• Kosuke Fukudome still a source of hope, filthy jokes for Cubs fans
• Nomar Garciaparra claims this is his "comeback year" for fourth year in a row as Dodgers fans remain jaded, emotionally numb
• Red Sox sign Bartolo Colon to minor league deal; McCoy Stadium in Pawtucket to add small grazing pasture behind right field wall

Also: do the Clippers have those weird jugglers at EVERY halftime?