Please don't read my blog if you are this dumb

To quote an email I received in response to my admittedly (and deliberately) over-the-top Patriots lovefest post from Sunday:

Videogate? ... Antonio Gates?... hmm actually I prefer Mangenius!!!

Guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (slams self in head repeatedly with stapler)

The ham-handed juxtaposition of "-gate" and "Gates"... the terrible pun on Mangini's name (like there's not already a better and more accurate pun to be made there)... the triple exclamation point... the sheer and utter ignorance involved in asserting the superiority of the Jets... this literally hurts my face to look at. Yeah, sure, I'll take the 4-12 Jets over the Patriots or the Chargers. And "Mangenius"? I think not. I don't know who you are, dude, but seriously... please don't email me ever again.

Fun with ESPN headlines

So, the sad part of the story first: Back in November, former Oakland A's pitcher Joe Kennedy died unexpectedly -- and tragically -- when he collapsed at his in-laws' home. It came out today that he apparently suffered from hypertensive heart disease, a condition in which the walls of the heart harden and thus slow or even stop the heart. Kennedy was only 28, and left behind a 1-year-old son. Yeah, there's nothing funny about that.

There is, however, something funny about the ESPN.com front-page headline regarding this story:

Ex-pitcher Kennedy died of heart disease

Maybe it's just that I have a macabre sense of humor, but... referring to a dead pitcher as an "ex-pitcher"? I couldn't help but think of that Monty Python sketch where the guy tries to return a dead parrot to a pet store to no avail, and ends by screeching out "THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!" And, upon reflection, I'm pretty sure this is the mental connection I was supposed to make.

My first thought was that they referred to Kennedy that way because he was done pitching, but Toronto apparently had plans to include him on the roster for the 2008 season (which is still so very, very far away). So now I'm pretty sure that some nerdy, copy-writing intern at ESPN was just being a smart-ass and thought he could sneak this by everyone. Well, junior, you've got to get up pretty early in the morning to sneak one by this girl.

'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory!

The Celtics need a boost

Obviously, our record is still out-of-this-world good. (30-6? Yeah, I'll take it. The only team even close to that is the red-hot Pistons, who are 28-10.) Still, dropping two in a row to the Gilbert Arenas-less Wizards? I don't like it. Antawn Jamison put together a neat little double-double last night, and the Big Three just didn't have any backup from the rest of their team. Boo.

In order to show my support for the home team (incidentally, I've been a Celtics fan my whole life. Before this year. Before we got good. Back when Antoine Walker was a big deal around these parts.), I decided to invest in this:





8-game win streak, here we come.

On another note, I'd be worried if I were Agent Zero right now. Washington is on a tear without him... rumor has it team chemistry is actually better without his showboating personality and locker-room antics. Too bad.

Magnanimous in victory! Pfft nah just kidding

Yesterday was awesome.

David Garrard and his Jaguars put up a decent fight, but we prevailed. And thank god, too. It's been painfully obvious since we almost blew it against the Eagles in Week 12 that we have no defense to speak of -- sure, we'll turn a great play every now and again, but we're simply not a physical presence that can shut down a rushing play, and we're practically a nonentity inside the red zone. Our defense looked weak against Jacksonville and got scrappy and desperate as a result. I've never seen so many damn unnecessary roughness calls in my life. Plus, giving away an 88-yard scoring drive followed by a 95-yard one? That shouldn't happen.

Thank god for Moss and Welker. Ben Watson was clutch too. We might not have much of a defense, but holy CRAP no one has an offense like we do. And forget that old saw about the best offense being a good defense, because defense doesn't win Superbowls. Just ask Lovie Smith.

You know who DOES win Superbowls?

TOM FUCKING BRADY.

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My hand in marriage and a dowry consisting of several fine milk cows and a chest of hand-sewn linens to the gentleman (or lady; it's Massachusetts, so we can do that now) who can provide me with tickets to the game next week.

GO PATRIOTS

Welp, it's Friday afternoon. Time to go bowling, have a beer, and count down the hours until my Patriots take the field. Until then:

GO PATS
MAKE ME PROUD
AND THEREBY GIVE ME LICENSE TO BE EVEN MORE OBNOXIOUS THAN I ALREADY AM

love,
Raquel

Farewell to a true badass

Sir Edmund Hillary, lifelong adventurer and conquerer of Mount Everest, died today.

Born the son of a humble family in New Zealand, Hillary loved mountains his whole life. He was notoriously aggressive when climbing, determined to outshine his companions while also pushing himself to the absolute limits of his physical capability.

Mankind as a whole has accomplished incredible things in the decades since Hillary's historic climb, and generations of sports fans have been privileged to witness some truly phenomenal accomplishments on the fields of the myriad games that captivate us. But when it comes right down to it, there's nothing quite so impressive as a man with a pickax and some biscuits (god it took me like 5 tries to get that word spelled right) in his pocket pitting himself against the world's highest and deadliest peak for the sheer thrill of it. RIP, Sir Edmund.

I just don't get it

Ok, enough proselytizing for the day. Time for something funny/stupid... and, as always, one need look no further than insane college sports fans to provide that something. A graduate of the University of Washington school of law has apparently pledged to donate $200,000 to the school -- if, and only if, football coach Ty Willingham and AD Todd Turner are fired.

Among the many e-mails and letters received by the University of Washington regarding the football program and coach Ty Willingham, there are the usual: words of praise, derision, encouragement, urgency.

And then there was this: an offer by a Huskies alum to donate $100,000 to a Washington law school scholarship if Willingham were fired, and another $100,000 if Todd Turner were fired as athletic director.

The Huskies went 4-9 this year in a season when the Pac-10 was pretty much anyone's conference, so I guess I can understand being upset... but, seriously, dude? Denying some aspiring young lawyer the opportunity to earn a scholarship just because you're pissed off about your football team sucking? What planet does that make sense on? Is that even legal? (See, maybe if that scholarship fund were there, I could go to law school and figure out the answer to that question. But now I'll never have that opportunity. Damn you, Ed Hansen, wherever you are!)

I'm sure that I would understand this more if I had gone to a real sports school as opposed to a bucolic Ivy League institution where more people showed up to hear Don DeLillo read from his new book than attended every single football game combined. (Note: I'm not actually sure this is true, but I can tell you that I went to see DeLillo, and only attended one football game the entire 4 years I was at Princeton -- and tickets were FREE.) I just can never quite fathom the mentality of fanatical NCAA fandom.

(said the girl with a Red Sox bellybutton ring)

Also, I hate the Huskies for one reason alone: my ex-boyfriend had this Huskies hat that he always wore for no reason whatsoever. So I hate them. Stupid Huskies.