I sincerely hope this is true

Since I know nothing about anything that happens outside of the greater Boston area, I can only assume that New Zealand online tabloids are paragons of journalistic integrity and factual reporting. Thus, I am completely willing to take the following story at absolute face value:

http://www.stuff.co.nz/4214244a1860.html

A Kid Rock and Tommy Lee fight, huh? Does anybody else remember the episode of Drawn Together (please allow me to momentarily entertain the notion that I am not the only person in the universe who watched that show) where Captain Hero had to fight the Justice League, but decided to throw the fight so he could make money off it? But then it turned out the Justice League was also trying to throw the fight, so the fight wound up being a bunch of people standing around posturing and making snarling noises with their shirts off until everyone suddenly collapsed, unprovoked, onto the floor and started twitching? Cause I'm pretty sure that's what this fight would be like. These two guys are pussies. They spend more time on their hair and makeup each day than I do in a month. Plus, they'll both show up drunk. Kid Rock will try to smother Tommy Lee with one of his huge fur coats, and then Tommy Lee will probably hit him with his enormous dong or something, and then they'll both wind up crying and holding eachother while they babble shit like, "No, man, seriously, you and Pam were so good together, I always wanted us to be friends but I was so jealous of you, seriously, dude, there's no need for us to be fighting, let's be friends, man..."

Meanwhile, Pam will be watching on Pay-Per-View from her honeymoon suite with Rick Solomon, which, just to clarify, is the guy she married after she initially whored herself out to him so he would pay her gambling debts. Oh, and the guy who made some sort of videotape, possibly explicit (I don't really recall), with a young woman I believe may have been heiress to some sort of hotel fortune. It's so hard to keep these things straight nowadays.

God, can we have a fight where two huge pissed-off dudes just beat the crap out of Rick Solomon for two hours? I'm pretty sure he doesn't deserve any better.

And yet, despite my disparaging remarks, I sincerely hope that the aforementioned rumor a) is true and b) comes to fruition as soon as possible.

Coming again soon. Maybe.

So there have been some complaints about the fact that I haven't posted in, oh, two months. (By which I mean: sorry, Mom!) But times have been busy. I moved to a new apartment. I started an amazing new job. The Red Sox almost gave me a damn HEART ATTACK down the stretch in September. Oh, and the new season of The Hills started. A girl has to have priorities, people!

But I will try and post more. The NLCS starts tonight, so maybe I'll warm up with that.

One sad bit of news is that, since I moved, I no longer commute with Yellow Shoes Guy in the morning. So now I have to find someone else to obsess over from afar.

The Patriots win the Superbowl

Um. Not to count my chickens or anything. But dear lord did the Pats look good last night. Coming off 2 ugly preseason losses, it was absolutely delightful to see them playing good football and embarrassing the hell out of the Panthers along the way. The offense was a tad wimpy at first, but had a turnaround about halfway through the 1st quarter when Belichick had them run it on a 4th down rather than going for the field goal, as if to say "ENOUGH MESSING AROUND YOU PANSIES." Immediately thereafter, the Pats pulled it together for a string of nice-looking 1st downs and ended up outscoring Carolina 24-7. Despite coming off what was undoubtedly a nerve-wracking couple of days, baby daddy Tom Brady threw some great passes and also let Maroney do that thing he does so well. Oh man, did I enjoy this game. And, despite Samuel continuing to hold out on contract nonsense and Moss' absence, last night really hammered home how many, many reasons there are to be excited about the Patriots this season.

1. Our linebacker crew. Holy crap. Teddy Bruschi, Mike Vrabel, Rosevelt Colvin, and Adalius Thomas. Just writing those names all together gets me excited. These men are an unbreakable wall of defense. Just try and run one of your pretty little plays against us, Peyton.
2. Laurence Maroney's running game. Watching Maroney last night, it was clear that he is still getting used to his increased role due to the departure of Corey Dillon, the seasoned Pats veteran who taught Maroney much of what he knows. Over and over in the first quarter, we saw Maroney getting taken down at the line of scrimmage as he struggled to plow through Carolina's defense. But he did have some great runs earning a total of 58 yards, and it was thrilling to see how obviously he relishes being Tom Brady's go-to man on running plays. After several weeks of no-contact practice, he was ready to take the hits and run his game. He is going to have a spectacular season, no question.
3. All those options. Dante Stalworth caught some great passes last night, as did Reche Caldwell and Marcellus Rivers. Even Heath Evans mysteriously turned wide receiver on a play last night, running the ball a good 20 yards before he suddenly appeared to remember "hey, I'm a fullback" and decided to put his shoulder into a couple of players on his way down. Oh, and let's not forget Wes Welker, a recent acquisition from Miami, whose sure hands are a nice compliment to speedy WR Stalworth. When Brady finally decided to pick his head up and throw the ball, he had a plethora of options to connect with for some great plays. You'd expect there to be less of a passing game without Moss, and there was, but it was still clear that Moss will be only one more part of a controlled and efficient offense.
4. Still waiting to see what Brandon Meriweather can do. The Pats' first-round pick did an effective job of shutting down Carolina's corners last night, but he's yet to be in a situation where we can see why he earned that first-round status. And I'm sure we will.
5. Um, our quarterback is REALLY GOOD. Like, it's almost to obvious to be worth pointing out, but hot DAMN. Sometimes you forget that one of the things that has made New England the team of the decade is that we have such a clearheaded and accurate man running our offense. Brady's still got it, kids, and I am looking forward to see what he does with the Patriots this season, given the aforementioned awesomely good offense that he has to work with.

Other highlights of the game included: 22 New England first downs to the Panthers' 13; two sacks on Carolina, one from Vrabel and one from rookie Justin Rogers; Jake Delhomme looking like that guy at a bar who has really attractive friends, but is himself kind of awkward, so you get stuck wingmanning on him while your friends chat up his cute blond cohorts, but he buys you a drink so you feel obligated to let him think he has a chance with you; Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf's huge man-crush on Laurence Maroney; half a quarter's worth of solid play from backup QB Matt Cassel, who somehow manages to have even more impossibly chiseled features than Brady (and who played backup to both Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart at USC, making him officially "that guy"); repeated use of the word "Sackmeister." There's one more preseason game against the Giants left, and then the Pats take on the Jets at home on September 9 for the season kickoff. Yeah, that should go pretty well.

And there you have it: my completely unbiased critique of the 2007 Patriots. I'm already ordering my custom napkins for the Superbowl party.

Oh yeah!

So, it appears that Laurence Maroney (of Koolaid fame) will being seeing his first pre-season action tomorrow as the Pats head to Carolina (South? North? Who gives a crap?). In a little news item in the Patriots' website, Maroney chats about how this season will be different from his rookie season, and how it felt to finally take off his red no-hit jersey and start getting down and dirty in practice. Sigh... a guy nicknamed Koolaid... headline is "Maroney isn't seeing red anymore"... there's a joke there, I guess, but it's not that funny and I'm kind of lethargic right now. Disappointed, to, to learn that neither Asante Samuel nor Randy Moss has been at practice yet. But I'll be looking forward to seeing the always-entertaining Maroney play tomorrow. I'll be spending my time until then deciding whether or not I want to buy a Laurence Maroney bobblehead. (What? No rhinestone Koolaid pendant? Wtf is this?!)

Two Laurence Maroney-referencing posts in one day. Incredible.

I love college football

Every Day Should Be Saturday has a simply amazing entry up from yesterday: The Facebook entry of Marques "Grand Marques" (as billed by his own Facebook page) Slocum, defensive tackle for Michigan. Oh, this is even better than Laurence "Koolaid" Maroney's cryptic assertions that it's "bout time we got some construda in dis mothafucka." Some highlights off a quiz that Marques filled out:

Do you have any pets, and if so what do you have?

i got a fuck lion now come fuck with me

When do you plan on getting married?

it don't matta cuz i hope my wife know ima be a playa 4 life

Get the number or give the number?

i would have 2 say bof

Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?

what da fuck! i needs bof of my muthafuckin body parts

Do you eat cold cereal at night?

what da fuck is cold cereal


and my own personal favorite:


Where is Waldo?

i killed dat punk muthafucka he owed me money



I really don't even need to add any commentary to this. This guy sounds amazing. Please, please read the whole quiz over at EDSBS, because it's just too incredible for words. In fact, I'm going to Facebook friend him right now. Let's see if he accepts. And, now I'm more excited than ever for college football season to start. Michigan's season kicks off in just a little over a week against Appalachian State, and I literally cannot wait to see Mr. Slocum sack the everloving hell out of their unsuspecting quarterback. Oh, you can bet he'll be using his arms. Bof of them.

Apparently baseball is NOT on the list of things that Maryland does

Ouch. It's one thing to blow a 3-0 lead. It's another thing entirely to blow that lead and wind up surrendering 30 runs to the Texas Rangers in the highest-scoring game since 1897, when the Chicago Colts (who?) beat the Louisville Colonels (what?) 36-7. [Side note: I didn't even realize they PLAYED baseball in 1897. I thought all they did was twirl their enormous moustaches while saying things like "Consarn it" and voting for Grover Cleveland.*] But that, in fact, is what the hapless Orioles did at Camden Yards last night. Highlights included a 9-run 6th inning and a 10-run 8th in front of a stadium so empty you could hear the grass growing. This was only part 1 of a double-header, too. You'd think the Orioles would play like they had something to prove in Game 2, at least, but they still wound up dropping that one 9-7. Texas had a grand total of 92 at-bats last night. Dear god. If I played for the Orioles, I don't think I would be able to get out of bed today.


That smiling hottie, of course, is Jarrod Saltalamacchia, who went 4-6 in the clobbering last night, with 2 homers and 7 RBIs.

As for the Red Sox, apparently Dice-K didn't get the let's-give-this-one-to-the-Rays-just-to-be-nice memo that everyone else did, as the starter pitched a gem while his offense refused to give him any run support. What a waste. The Yanks finally figured out how to beat the Angels last night, so Boston's lead in the AL East slipped to 5 games. The Cards continued to stay in the fight for the NL Central title as Albert Pujols hit his 30th homer of the year in an 8-2 win over the Marlins.

Good lord. I still can't get over the box score in that Orioles game.







*Correction for the sake of historical accuracy: William McKinley was actually president in 1897. (Thanks, Google!) But Grover Cleveland sounds funnier. Because his name is Grover. He. Hehe.

Something to take Atlanta's mind off that nasty dog-fighting business

Mark Teixeira banged out two home runs last night in the Braves' 14-4 victory over the Reds. In the 18 games Teixeira has played in since he arrived in Atlanta on the eve of the non-waiver trade deadline, he has hit 9 homers (according to my awesome powers of mathematical reasoning, that's a homer every 2 games. Holy crap. That's also just two home runs fewer than Coco Crisp and J.D. Drew have hit COMBINED, THIS ENTIRE SEASON. Hooray for the Boston outfield... and thank god for Manny Ramirez.) and 25 RBIs. Well done on that trade, Braves. Well done, indeed.

Tim Wakefield continued his dominance of the Devil Rays last night, tossing 7 shutout innings as the Red Sox cruised to a 6-0 victory at Tropicana Field. It's rare that I would describe a knuckleballer as "dominant," but I guess a 9-0 season record against a franchise merits that term. Plus, if any team is going to be dominated by a knuckleball, it's going to be Tampa Bay. They'd be dominated by a drunk baby throwing a tennis ball. (Which, now that I think about it, sounds awesome. Let get some toddlers sauced up and see what they can do.*) So there you have it... and in his quiet, unassuming way, Wakefield scooped up his 15 victory of the season to put him in a tie for most wins in the league with the Braves' Tim Hudson (also a winner last night), the Angels' John Lackey, and, OF COURSE, Boston's beloved Josh Beckett. Booyah.

While all this was going on, some jackoff in pinstripes hit his league-leading 40th home run of the season, but still didn't manage to help his team beat the Angels; Milwaukee's (Best) Prince Fielder answered with his 39th homer as the Brewers took command of the hotly contested #1 spot in the NL Central. And, for now, Jim Barr's 1972 record of 41 consecutive retired batters remains unbroken, as Bobby Jenks gave up a single to Kansas City's Joey Gathright in the 9th. Jenks still managed to get the save, however, and the White Sox eked out a win. Only 13.5 games out of first, guys! And finally (/most excitingly), Rick Ankiel cranked out his 4th homer since his triumphant return to the Cardinals to help his team beat the Cubbies 6-4. In another game highlight, Ankiel threw a bullet from left field to keep Ryan Theriot from scoring a triple. Damn, what an arm that kid has... maybe he should be a pitcher! Wait... OH GOD NO... *starts foaming at the mouth* WHAT HAVE I SAID!

(where are my babies, where did I put my babies)

A little football, a little baseball. Something for everyone today.






*Disclaimer: I do not actually endorse babies getting drunk. Babies make mean drunks. Take it from someone who knows.