Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Let the haterade flow

Today is the first warm day we've had in Boston. It's a glorious 56 degrees outside (that's officially referred to as "polka-dot dress weather" in Raquel-speak), and it seems only fitting to welcome the spring thaw with another spring tradition. That's right, kids... it's time to dust off my hatred of those pinstripers from the Bronx and bring it back to front and center on my mantle.

Now, I'll admit that the sheer joy of our thrilling journey to World Championship Land last fall was almost enough to sate my baseball bloodlust, rendering me magnanimous in victory and simply unconcerned with those pesky Yanks. However, I can thank the excellent Sports Hernia for reminding me why I should NEVER FORGET what unbelievable chumps who deserve to get their asses handed to them in painful and embarrassing fashion the Bronx Bombers truly are. From the mouth of Hank Steinbrenner:

"Go anywhere in America and you won't see Red Sox hats and jackets, you'll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country. In fact, it reminds me of that great Chevy commercial about how 'this is our country', I feel as though that was written with the New York Yankees in mind. We're going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order."

First of all, [deep breath] GUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Second of all, I thought the Rockies had already claimed to be America's team. Third of all, seriously Hank, SHUT UP. Everything you say is garbage. We know you're trying to step out from under Daddy's shadow, but surely there are ways to accomplish that other than by being an insufferable blowhard. Oh, and it gets worse:

"Now from what I've seen and what my baseball people tell me, they have a fine closer up there in young Papelbon. But I'll be damned if he's the only one doing the Irish jig and running around like Shelley Duncan and my younger Yankees. Let it be known to Red Sox nation that when the Yankees board the Death Star and make their way to Boston for the first time this season in April, you can bet I'll be dancing on their logo as soon as I get there. And if they shave those funny looking socks into the mound area, you can be damn sure I'll be dancing on those too."

Now that's just... like... weird. Is he honestly, deliberately comparing his Yankees to the evil empire of death and destruction in Star Wars? Shouldn't that be the image he's trying NOT to cultivate if they are, in fact, America's team? Will the Yankees actually be riding a gigantic moon-sized space station with the firepower to destroy an entire planet to their first series in Boston? God, I'm so confused!

Ahh... I can feel the Yankees hatred flowing back into my veins, as strong as it ever was. All is right with the world.

It's almost enough to make a girl forget about that embarrassing 10-2 ass-kicking by the Capitals last night. ALMOST. There can't be many players who've managed to score a hat trick within one freaking period of a hockey game...


The Hockey Bunny said...

hockey lingo tip of the day: 3 goals in one period is called a natural hat trick. true story.

Comicbook Guy said...

"Go anywhere in America and you won't see Red Sox hats and jackets, you'll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country.
Jackass, Go down south, see how much they lovessss them Yankeeees. Better yet, South Boston.
Hank Steinbrenner, you suck!

Time to hate away!!!!!!!!!!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Darling, I love you, but I'm pretty sure that a natural hat trick also requires that the goals be scored back-to-back, which was not the case with Ovechkin the other night.


yournamehere said...

The only people outside of New York City (and NYC's retirement hubs of South Florida, Nevada, and Arizona) who are Yankee fans are the kind of soulless front runners who don't really care about sports.

Grimey said...

I do believe the Superstation TBS told us all that the Atlanta Braves are America's Team.

They also showed reruns of the Andy Griffith Show. Often.

Marta said...

As a Catholic Memorial fan, I must concur that a natural hat trick calls for the goals to be consecutive.

Besos ;)

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Also a natural hat trick does not need to occur in a single period, but it must be 3 consecutive goals with out being interrupted by a teammate or the opposing team(obvious).