Tampa Bay is the new Boston

I know, I know, I'm as surprised to hear it as you are. But if recent flare-ups during Spring Training games between the Devil Rays and the Yankees are any indication, the AL East could have a sexy new rivalry on its hands come Opening Day.

The brouhaha started yesterday, when Yankees catching prospect Francisco Cervelli's wrist was shattered during a home plate collision with Rays infielder Elliot Johnson. (Note that, just days before, Carl Crawford had plowed into Astros catcher Humberto Quintero at the plate in another game. It seems that the Rays' plan for domination this year consists of taking out members of every other team one by one. That may be their only chance at a playoffs run, anyway.) New Yanks skipper Joe Girardi called the hit "uncalled for," but insisted that retaliation would not be in his next game plan. Rays manager Joe Maddon, however, appeared nothing short of gleeful at the crash, saying, "I loved the hardball." [Ed. note: Didn't we all?]

Today's matchup between the two teams, however, saw the tension escalate to a new level, as a high inside pitch thrown by pinstriped pitching prospect (whee!) Heath Phillips at red-hot Tampa Bay outfield prospect Evan Longoria resulted in Phillips' ejection. Later, Yankee Shelley Duncan (god, I feel like I'm a high-schooler filling my BFFs in on the hot gossip from the weekend!!1! omg 4eva) made an over-aggressive slide into second base [Ed. note: a technique I'm all too familiar with] -- and that was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. The result: A bench-clearing brawl that ultimately saw 5 players tossed from the game.

Man, I'm exhausted just from typing and hyperlinking that. Here's hoping these two lame-ass teams wear one another out by fighting all season, leaving my Red Sox to cruise effortlessly to another division title.

Next week: will Nick Markakis' secret finally be revealed? Will Vernon Wells' evil twin show up in time to stop the wedding? Tune in to find out... this is All My AL East Children.

Oh, and one final note: Evan Longoria (see below) has officially been added to my List Of Athletes I Love. Any other Yankees bitches trying to take him out this season will have ME to answer to. Seriously, this kid is hot (although some disagree with me). He'll be the future of Tampa Bay, as long as we can keep him from starting some half-assed and honestly kind of creepy charity...

Gawd, he's so FRESHFACED and FULL OF PROMISE. Yowza!