So Alex Rodriguez is staying with the Yankees. Whatever. I'm sure that was his plan all along, and this whole should-I-stay-or-should-I-go nonsense was just him being an attention whore. I'm over it.
In news I actually give a shit about, the Heat are heading to Boston tonight to assist the Celtics in going 8-0. Yes, Dwayne Wade (love... love... love him) is back from surgery, but the Heat still lost the other night with him playing, and I just don't see Shaquille O'Neal as a threat. He weighs like 400 pounds now. He's too busy fighting the earth's gravitational pull to score points. I'm pretty sure he has a small moon that orbits him at this point. In honor of the impending victory, I will be donning my glitter-fied Paul Pierce jersey and heading over to the North End for a celebratory beer or twelve.
Also, Barry Bonds got indicted. Wait, Barry Bonds did steroids?
Yeah, that's all I got. Also, some guy in London is having his leg amputated so he can qualify for the Paralympics, which seems a little extreme to me, but I guess that's why he's an elite athlete and I'm not.
Going out on Thursday night always seems like a better idea on Thursday night than Friday morning.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Congratulations Jake Peavy
This time of year, Major League Baseball reminds me of Tara Reid. In much the same way that Ms. Reid will resort to any number of drunken, titties-askew shenanigans rather than simply accept that her career peaked with Van Wilder and fade gracefully out of the limelight, the MLB drags out the GM meetings, free agent negotiations, and award announcements well into November (Is there only one November, too?) in a desperate bid to keep your attention as you inevitably leave them for the younger, hotter basketball season.
Apparently, their ploy is working on me, as I actually went to MLB.com at exactly 2:01 today to see who won the NL Cy Young award. (I'd make a "Baseball, I can't quit you" joke here, but it just seems inappropriate given the whole Phil Jackson snafu.) Predictably, Jake Peavy won the award in a unanimous vote.
Here's my favorite Peavy-related episode of The Dugout to celebrate.
Eric Wedge received the AL's Best Manager award for overcoming the twin challenges of having a young, inexperienced team and having to play Jhonny Peralta at shortstop (which is arguably worse than not having anybody there at all). Also, I hear he threatened to curse the BBWAA with a plague of flies if he didn't win. The Diamondbacks' Bob Melvin won NL Manager of the Year, presumably for his ability to duck the flying garbage Arizona fans like to chuck when they get pissed off.
I have nothing to say about the A-Rod thing whatsoever. Seriously, I don't care.
Apparently, their ploy is working on me, as I actually went to MLB.com at exactly 2:01 today to see who won the NL Cy Young award. (I'd make a "Baseball, I can't quit you" joke here, but it just seems inappropriate given the whole Phil Jackson snafu.) Predictably, Jake Peavy won the award in a unanimous vote.
Here's my favorite Peavy-related episode of The Dugout to celebrate.
Eric Wedge received the AL's Best Manager award for overcoming the twin challenges of having a young, inexperienced team and having to play Jhonny Peralta at shortstop (which is arguably worse than not having anybody there at all). Also, I hear he threatened to curse the BBWAA with a plague of flies if he didn't win. The Diamondbacks' Bob Melvin won NL Manager of the Year, presumably for his ability to duck the flying garbage Arizona fans like to chuck when they get pissed off.
I have nothing to say about the A-Rod thing whatsoever. Seriously, I don't care.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Lowell, just take the deal already
It shocks me, and yet intrigues me, to share with you this month's second piece of nudity/soccer-related news. A man in Duisburg, Germany, was standing trial for indecently exposing himself at a girls' soccer game. So, naturally, what does this bashful chap do in court? Strip.
The best part of that link is the little feature off to the side where you can read all sorts of different stories about "Weird Nudes." Best yet, this paper (a British tabloid, obviously, and yes I read those at work so don't judge) appears to have a series of stock nude photos that they enjoy trotting out. Good for them.
I am not particularly surprised that the above courtroom de-robing took place in Germany. I studied abroad in Munich, and let me tell you: those people have no qualms whatsoever about letting it all hang out. I used to try and study in the Englischer Garten and men would just wander over from the outdoor beer tents (yes, Germany is a great country) and play Frisbee in their thongs in front of me while I tried to read my Duerrenmatt and not stare at their ass cheeks. Hooray for nudity!
It really seems possible that "Nudity and Soccer" could become a regular feature.
'The court withdrew for deliberations and during the adjournment the man removed his clothes again,' said a spokesman for the court, in the western city of Duisburg.
'It appears he sees it as art, and views himself as a living work of art.'
The best part of that link is the little feature off to the side where you can read all sorts of different stories about "Weird Nudes." Best yet, this paper (a British tabloid, obviously, and yes I read those at work so don't judge) appears to have a series of stock nude photos that they enjoy trotting out. Good for them.
I am not particularly surprised that the above courtroom de-robing took place in Germany. I studied abroad in Munich, and let me tell you: those people have no qualms whatsoever about letting it all hang out. I used to try and study in the Englischer Garten and men would just wander over from the outdoor beer tents (yes, Germany is a great country) and play Frisbee in their thongs in front of me while I tried to read my Duerrenmatt and not stare at their ass cheeks. Hooray for nudity!
It really seems possible that "Nudity and Soccer" could become a regular feature.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Fatty Sabathia wins Cy Young; Boston fans demand recount
Dustin Pedroia won the AL Rookie of the Year, so I suppose it was too much to hope for that one of Boston's own also bring home the Cy Young award. Sigh. Cleveland ace C.C. Sabathia edged out Boston's Josh Beckett, the ONLY pitcher in the majors to win 20 games this year, to win this year's AL Cy Young award. The logic, once I temporarily turn off the Masshole portion of my brain, is actually fairly straightforward: Sabathia pitched 40 more innings than Beckett and posted only one win fewer, all on significantly less run support. So, fine. I've said all season that there are plenty of pitchers in the AL with more raw talent than Beckett (Sabathia, Haren, Santana, Bedard, and even Wang before the post-season), and I guess the voting here bears me out. Given the fact that Ryan Braun won the NL Rookie of the Year over Troy Tulowitzski, Sabathia's win seems consistent with the theme of utterly disregarding the postseason in voting. Also, lefty aces are hot. So there you have it. Look how objective I am.
/slips back into Masshole mode
/reads last like 8 issues of Sports Illustrated
/is vindicated
Also, a fun fact: the last time an Indian won the Cy Young, the year was 1972, and his name was Gaylord Perry. Heh. Hehe.
The NL Cy Young winner will not be announced until Thursday, but I'm assuming it will be San Diego's vaguely potato-like Jake Peavy, who had an incredible season that included a 16-strikeout game and an arrest for disorderly conduct at the airport. Brandon Webb is another candidate, although his numbers (18-10, 3.01, 194 K's) simply don't compare to Peavy's (19-6, 2.54, 24o (!) K's). I guess Brad Penny could also be a contender, assuming that dating TV actresses and being less of a waste of space than Jason Schmidt are voting categories. In which case I should also be on the ballot.
In praise of meaty quarterbacks
I'll admit: I was prepared for a dull weekend of football as my beloved Patriots took a well-deserved bye from whomping on the entire rest of the NFL. But, lo and behold, the gridiron rose to the occasion and offered up enough excitement to carry me through, ensconced as I was on my couch underneath my comforter and a pile of used Kleenex. Colds suck. However, I will say that being sick this weekend and having to spend my entire Saturday indoors enabled me to justify watching something like 9 consecutive hours of college football on Saturday. Hooray!
First came the unbelievable Illinois upset of previously undefeated Ohio State. I love good underdog wins, so I'd be excited, except for the fact that the guy I went on the WORST DATE EVER with this spring went to Illinois and I am now permanently biased against anyone affiliated with said university. Yes, this is the guy who was rude to the waitress in front of me, then snuck away later to give her his number, then asked me to take off my hat "so he could see if I was actually cute or not." Oh, and then told me I had terrible taste in movies because I hadn't seen "The Grudge." Oh, and was responsible for the following exchange, which happened at the very beginning of the date and pretty much set the tone for the rest of the evening:
Him: (orders two beers)
Me: (reaches out to take one) Thanks.
Him: Oh, these are both for me.
Me: (laughs, assuming he's kidding)
Him: (looks at me meaningfully, then sips slowly and deliberately from each of the two beers he's holding)
Me: Uh. Right. I'll just go ahead and order my own, then.
Yikes. Painful memories. Sorry, Illinois... you're on my shit list. Permanently.
Afterwards, I watched Florida State blow it in the 4th to lose to Virginia Tech, 40-21, then switched to BC vs. Maryland, which turned into the Eagles giving up another super-disappointing loss and everybody in Boston remembering why we never bother giving a crap about college sports outside of the Beanpot. Sorry, Matt Ryan.
I have to admit, though, that my attention was not focused on the BC game: on another field, miles away, my beloved Tim Tebow was having a career game in what is already a career season for the U of F sophomore.
The Gators rolled over South Carolina 51-31 as Tebow scored 5 rushing touchdowns (nice themed color emphasis there, eh?) and passed for 2 more for a total of 424 offensive yards. Dear lord in heaven. This kid is a beast. I think there may have been a few other players on the field for Florida, but you wouldn't know it; every time the Gators got within the 10-yard line, they pretty much had only one play in mind: let Tim Tebow run it in. I love this kid. I love watching him play. I love watching him drink from those little Gatorade cups with his big, hammy hands on the sideline. I hope he wins the Heisman for this year and every subsequent year, in perpetuity.
Speaking of quarterbacks I love, and transitioning seamlessly to pro football, HOORAY FOR REX GROSSMAN! It pained me so much to see my favorite (despite the incessant mocking I get) QB benched earlier this season, and nothing was sweeter than his spectacular 59-yard pass to Bernard Berrian with 3:11 left in the 4th to lift the Bears over the Raiders; the Bears would go on to win 17-6. I'm so happy. And so is Rex. Look at him smiling up there. Look how cute he is. Doesn't that make you happy?
Ahem. In other NFL news: the Colts LOST AGAIN, which I'm pretty sure was in some way caused by Randy Moss; Matt Hasselbeck looked decent on MNF; Adrian Peterson got hurt but will probably only miss one game; everyone trying to convince you that Cowboys-Giants would somehow be an interesting contest was proven wrong; Brett Favre remained successful in his season quest to prove he can still be a dominant QB as Packers fans remained completely batshit. (Yes, the story is old, but they're still batshit over there.)
Oh, and the Celts are 5-0 as of Saturday. Does winning 82 games sound like an unreasonable goal to anyone? It shouldn't.
Wow... I got through an entire post without mentioning baseball... wait! Crap! Does that count? Does mentioning that I didn't mention something count as a mention? Does mentioning that I mentioned not mentioning something, but without specifically mentioning it, count as mentioning, or mentioning a non-mention?
If you can explain that last sentence to me, you win half of a curried tuna sandwich. Or a packet of Splenda.
First came the unbelievable Illinois upset of previously undefeated Ohio State. I love good underdog wins, so I'd be excited, except for the fact that the guy I went on the WORST DATE EVER with this spring went to Illinois and I am now permanently biased against anyone affiliated with said university. Yes, this is the guy who was rude to the waitress in front of me, then snuck away later to give her his number, then asked me to take off my hat "so he could see if I was actually cute or not." Oh, and then told me I had terrible taste in movies because I hadn't seen "The Grudge." Oh, and was responsible for the following exchange, which happened at the very beginning of the date and pretty much set the tone for the rest of the evening:
Him: (orders two beers)
Me: (reaches out to take one) Thanks.
Him: Oh, these are both for me.
Me: (laughs, assuming he's kidding)
Him: (looks at me meaningfully, then sips slowly and deliberately from each of the two beers he's holding)
Me: Uh. Right. I'll just go ahead and order my own, then.
Yikes. Painful memories. Sorry, Illinois... you're on my shit list. Permanently.
Afterwards, I watched Florida State blow it in the 4th to lose to Virginia Tech, 40-21, then switched to BC vs. Maryland, which turned into the Eagles giving up another super-disappointing loss and everybody in Boston remembering why we never bother giving a crap about college sports outside of the Beanpot. Sorry, Matt Ryan.
I have to admit, though, that my attention was not focused on the BC game: on another field, miles away, my beloved Tim Tebow was having a career game in what is already a career season for the U of F sophomore.
The Gators rolled over South Carolina 51-31 as Tebow scored 5 rushing touchdowns (nice themed color emphasis there, eh?) and passed for 2 more for a total of 424 offensive yards. Dear lord in heaven. This kid is a beast. I think there may have been a few other players on the field for Florida, but you wouldn't know it; every time the Gators got within the 10-yard line, they pretty much had only one play in mind: let Tim Tebow run it in. I love this kid. I love watching him play. I love watching him drink from those little Gatorade cups with his big, hammy hands on the sideline. I hope he wins the Heisman for this year and every subsequent year, in perpetuity.
Speaking of quarterbacks I love, and transitioning seamlessly to pro football, HOORAY FOR REX GROSSMAN! It pained me so much to see my favorite (despite the incessant mocking I get) QB benched earlier this season, and nothing was sweeter than his spectacular 59-yard pass to Bernard Berrian with 3:11 left in the 4th to lift the Bears over the Raiders; the Bears would go on to win 17-6. I'm so happy. And so is Rex. Look at him smiling up there. Look how cute he is. Doesn't that make you happy?
Ahem. In other NFL news: the Colts LOST AGAIN, which I'm pretty sure was in some way caused by Randy Moss; Matt Hasselbeck looked decent on MNF; Adrian Peterson got hurt but will probably only miss one game; everyone trying to convince you that Cowboys-Giants would somehow be an interesting contest was proven wrong; Brett Favre remained successful in his season quest to prove he can still be a dominant QB as Packers fans remained completely batshit. (Yes, the story is old, but they're still batshit over there.)
Oh, and the Celts are 5-0 as of Saturday. Does winning 82 games sound like an unreasonable goal to anyone? It shouldn't.
Wow... I got through an entire post without mentioning baseball... wait! Crap! Does that count? Does mentioning that I didn't mention something count as a mention? Does mentioning that I mentioned not mentioning something, but without specifically mentioning it, count as mentioning, or mentioning a non-mention?
If you can explain that last sentence to me, you win half of a curried tuna sandwich. Or a packet of Splenda.
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