A full day of preseason action today. Hooray! Here's a rundown of the burning questions today's games will hopefully answer:
- Braves v. Dodgers: Given the opportunity, would you kick Jason Schmidt in the nuts? In a recent survey, a whopping 85% of Dodgers fans replied that yes, yes they would. The remaining 15% also expressed a desire to kick Jason Schmidt in the nuts, but added that they would like to be screaming "Give us back our money you chubby hack!" while doing so.
- Marlins v. Orioles: Which of these two supposed "youth movements" is less likely to result in gross humiliation this season?
- Astros v. Indians: I mean, I guess we could ask whether or not the Indians look as primed for success as they did last season. But I think the question everyone's REALLY concerned with is this: Are Grady Sizemore's features still as boyishly handsome as ever?
- Mets v. Cardinals: Can the underdog Cards rally to hold off the Mets in the wake of the Scott Spiezio scandal? (And does Spiezio really need all those vowels in his name?) Will the Cards actually have someone to put on the mound come opening day? Will Tony LaRussa's plan to bat the pitcher 8th be in any way effective? How many home runs will Rick Ankiel hit and then subsequently dedicate to me? SO MANY QUESTIONS!
- Pirates v. Phillies: Um, how much does it suck being from Pennsylvania? Unless you're Amish, of course. They get away with everything.
- Blue Jays v. Tigers: Roy Halladay: miraculous granter of childhood wishes, or bucket-defouling jerk?
- White Sox v. Rockies: Do Clint Hurdle and Ozzie Guillen hate one another? I feel like they must.
- Cubs v. Giants: If the Giants play a baseball game without Barry Bonds, does the media even bother to show up?
- Rockies v. Diamondbacks: Why does this sound familiar?
- Athletics v. Brewers: Will Billy Beane's offseason fire sale pay off despite the fact that the A's are officially 65% less entertaining without Nick Swisher?
- Rangers v. Angels: Seriously, how nasty is Vlad?
Note: The Red Sox are also playing two exhibition games against BC and Northeastern today, but I've been sticking to the major-league matchups.
Happy watching/listening today!